Out of the shadowland.

Niels Christian Hvidt is a 29-year-old Danish PhD-student of theology at the Pontifical Gregorian University in Rome, and writes a weekly column in the Danish national press. He communicated with For A Change from an internet cafe in Paris.

Hvidt knows what it is like to feel very much in God's presence at one stage and very confused at another. It was his longing for God--combined with his search for truth and a passionate interest in the subject--which led him to study theology.

`I was not exactly thinking of a career,' he says. `In all humility I probably felt that it was the direction in which God was guiding me. It felt natural.

`The course in Orthodox and Catholic theology was very inspiring, but many people lose the little faith they have when studying theology. It probably would have become quite difficult for me too, if I hadn't combined my studies with periods in different Greek Orthodox monasteries and with reading books by the mystic Vassula Ryden. Through these inspiring places and people I experienced God's love in a more direct way than I could possibly have done through my own limited prayer.'

After he had studied for five years and worked on his dissertation for almost two years, Hvidt found himself beset by doubts. `I was so tired of living in what felt like a glass case without real contact with the outside world,' he says. `I began to feel very unsure whether the topic of prophecy and revelation, that I'd worked on, would ever interest other people.

`Had I been too idealistic? Not thought enough about a career? I so longed for something concrete, and resolved to study medicine while I finished my dissertation.'

It was during such a time of feeling desperately confused and depressed that Hvidt sat down to think about what exactly had led him into theology. `I felt it was Christ who had led me, and therefore I resolved to make a plan of action for getting back on track--a prayer-plan, consisting of set times of prayers, double the limited time I had invested for quite a while. I believe that is how I began to find clarity again.'

A few months later he received a gold medal for his dissertation. As the first Catholic in Denmark to graduate in divinity since the Reformation, he generated considerable interest in the media. He now writes a weekly column in Denmark's second largest daily newspaper, Berlingske Tidende. To his delight he realized that his fears had been unwarranted--people were interested in the topics he had been working on. What, I ask him, did he pray about when his choices became so complicated?

`To begin with it was the Rosary, a meditative prayer you can pray without feeling anything,' he replies. `I believe prayer can be more than asking and listening. It is first and foremost a relationship with the living God, a belief that God is there and in his love wants to bless the person who comes to him in prayer.

`In spirituality the aim of prayer is never to receive concrete answers on how to act, or to ensure that certain events take place. The aim is unity with God. When Jesus says, "I know my sheep and they know me", the Greek word for "know" means being involved with that person. It is possible to believe in God's existence without knowing God.

`One of St Francis's most important prayers was simply: "My God, my all". This aspect of enjoying just being in God's presence is often overlooked in our modern world, where we have so many projects, which we want to involve God in. God probably doesn't mind that, but I believe there is more to prayer. It is this deeper relationship that eventually prompts you to act in a natural and compassionate way. I deeply wish that this would become part of the church again.'

Hvidt says he doesn't know why he had to pass through so many months of `shadowland'. `But I think you can grow through such times. For most people who seek God in prayer, there will be times of desert or night. In spiritual theology this is described as God pruning the branches, so that the roots may become stronger and the whole tree be strengthened.'