Only skip deep: imagine if you weren't allowed to talk about your feelings. Ever. You could gossip, joke, discuss mundane things, like school assignments, but no feelings allowed! You'd probably explode, right? That's exactly how Chloe * felt ... before she began cutting herself.

All kids get stressed, but many get to talk it out. For me, that didn't seem like an option. My relationship with my parents wasn't good, and although I had a lot of friends and a brother and sister, I've never felt comfortable telling anyone my problems. I hated the thought of people feeling bad for me or thinking, I was a complainer. And my parents didn't like to hear it, so I pretty much put on a happy face. That's probably why I started cutting myself.

In seventh grade, when I was 13, I had my first boyfriend--whom I'm still seeing. At the time, my parents forbade me to go out with him, partly because I was too young but also because they didn't like him. That was the beginning of a downhill slide in my relationship with them. Since I was not going to stop seeing my boyfriend, I lied to them all the time, and whenever I was caught--which was often--I got grounded. I tried so many times to talk things out with my parents, but they just would not listen, so I basically shut down, I'd come home from school and go to my room and hide out.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

My parents surely mean well, but they were extremely controlling, making all my decisions for me. They also pressured me about grades, friends and basically everything I did. They wanted me to be perfect. It seemed they definitely expected more of me than they did of my siblings. They thought I didn't push myself enough. I'd look at my friends who were close with their parents and wish I had what they had.

THE LAST STRAW, THE FIRST CUT

In eighth grade, everything imploded. I was overwhelmed with school and my parents, so without thinking. I went into my kitchen, got the scissors out of a drawer, and cut myself on my wrist. The weird thing is, I wasn't scared. I didn't even consider that I could have killed myself. It bled and stung, but for some odd reason, it felt good. I pushed on the cuts to continue feeling the sting. I felt a sense of release ... and calm. Strange, but it felt good to punish myself.

I knew it was horrible, but I couldn't stop. From then on, I always used the scissors to cut myself. I never showed anyone my cuts, because I was ashamed, buy my boyfriend noticed and asked me what had happened. For the first time, I lied to him and said I'd scraped myself. I felt terrible about being dishonest with him. He was worried, though, so he went to my best friend and told her about it. She was so upset that she nagged me until I finally admitted I had been cutting myself. She told me I had to stop, but once again, I lied, promising never to do it again.

My cuts were on my arms, so I could hide them, and on my ankles, so they would look like sports injuries. I also started cutting my hips since nobody but me ever saw them. I was clumsy anyway, so it was easy for others to believe I'd had an accident. Still, I felt really embarrassed. Because I knew the truth.

HURTS SO GOOD

There was no pattern or regularity to my cutting, but my self-esteem was so low that whenever I was totally upset, I'd pull out the scissors. My cuts were never life-threatening, so I never had to go to the hospital. I'd try to control myself, but that was extremely difficult. The cutting had actually become addictive.

If people were to look at me, they'd never imagine I was a girl who would intentionally hurt herself. But I did. Knowing that made me feel worse--so I'd cut myself more! I felt I wasn't strong enough to handle things most other people could; I hated myself for that.

Oddly enough, other that the self-mutilation, my life was normal. I got great grades, I played soccer and field hockey, and I had a lot of friends. I was like I had two lives. Around my friends, I always acted like I was happy. But when I was by myself, I felt extremely lonely and angry, like an outsider looking in. And even though I was cutting myself in my own house, my parents had no idea what was going on.

I kind of resented the fact that my friends and family didn't just magically know about my problem and offer to help me. That was so unfair of me to expect, though, because I never let anyone get that close to me.

Whenever I felt the need to cut myself, I felt frustrated, angry, stressed depressed, confused and anxious all at once, and that was too much for me to handle alone. Cutting myself was my only sense of control over my life since I had absolutely none at home.

TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES

When I was a sophomore, my boyfriend had had enough. He was the only one who knew I was still doing it, and he said, "You have to stop. If you don't, I can't be with you." He hated seeing me hurt myself and threatened to tell someone if I didn't get help immediately.

I was devastated. I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to see a therapist. I didn't tell my parents about my cutting, but they were very supportive about getting me counseling. I didn't tell her about my cutting right away, but it came up pretty quickly. She focused on the fact that I always kept everything inside and helped me understand the impact of letting those feelings build up

I finally told my mom. We were having a huge fight, and I blurted, "I used to cut myself, and it was all your fault!" My mom cried, but she really didn't say anything. I'd hoped it would somehow make her realize how hard they had been on me, but that didn't happen.

Even though my problems with my parents haven't been resolved, I know cutting is not the answer. Therapy is now my release. I have a place where I can express myself and be heard.

I've had one relapse. It was in 11th grade, and I was having a really bad day. I'd done poorly on a test and was scared of how my parents would react. It sent me over the edge. I cut my arm deeply, and that scar is my worst. Afterward, I felt terrible about what I'd done, so I promised myself I'd never do it again--and I haven't for over a year now.

HER "LIFE SUPPORT"

I still see my therapist, which makes all the difference. I also have a peer support group at school. We meet weekly to talk about everything that stresses us.

I also volunteer at Teen Line (1-800-852-8336), a helpline where I answer phones and talk to kids about their problems--which actually helps me with mine, too. I know that one day I will get a call from a teen who self-harms, and I'll have so much to offer. What I've gone through has taught me to be more understanding of other people's problems. I used to think, "What kind of weirdo cuts herself?" But now I know it's not about cutting or anorexia of doing drugs--it's about emotional problem that need to be dealt with.

When I look at the scars on my body, it doesn't make me sad. It really makes me aware of all I've been through--and how far I've come.

RELATED ARTICLE: Internal struggle: when life gets to be too much ...

Sadly, teen self-abuse is increasing at an alarming rate. Studies reveal 15 to 20 percent of teens have intentionally hurt themselves--and more of those are girls. Often, these teens have experienced trauma, such as the death of a parent or abuse. But even some without traumatic events in their lives become self-injuries. What most have in common? Ninety percent report that they have families who discourage emotional expression. Not long ago, teens who hurt themselves were considered mentally ill, but it's now considered a way (although unhealthy) of coping with stress. Self-harm is usually done by cutting, burning, scratching, biting, pinching or hitting. Which begs the question. Why do so many girls torture themselves? Experts say a common reason is to gain a perceived sense of control when life seems chaotic. The physical pain is bearable to some teens, while emotional pain is not. Some, however, do it for the opposite reason. They feel so numb from earlier trauma that they actually want to feel something. Others hurt themselves as a form of self-punishment for feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Surprisingly, most self-injurers are not suicidal. In fact, it is often a way of avoiding suicide. Still, why such extreme measures to handle stress? Kids are often pressured to do too much--get good grades, play sports, participate in after-school activities and so on. Add to that the fact that parents are overworked and stressed themselves, so teens often shy away from burdening them with their problems. As a result, teens may lack a good support system--which can spell disaster. If you or someone you know is hurting herself (or even considering it), please, talk about your feelings to someone you trust, whether a teacher, counselor, coach or parent.

NEED HELP?

If you have the desire to cut yourself, understand that it can be fatal. Write in a diary, or even on your arms. If you're cutting, it's time to get help. These places offer information and resources for self-injures.

1-800-DONTCUT This hotline is sponsored by S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives and offers a list of therapists around the country who help self-injurers.

youngwomenhealth.org/si.html The site provides info about why girls cut themselves, constructive alternatives to cutting, books about self-injury and info about what to do if a friend is cutting herself.

psyke.org Get real stories from teens who cut, recommendations for other cutting websites and blogs, and poetry from self-injurers.

by Chloe, 17, as told to Sandy Fertman Ryan