One on one.

According to Merriam Webster's dictionary, "mo.nog.a.my" is the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time." How archaic or how hip is the concept for gay and lesbian couples today?

MONOGAMY Is it for us?

The Advocate examines the controversial subject of monogamy from many angles: by interviewing gay and lesbian couples all over the United States who embrace or reject it; by listening to the Eastern wisdom of spiritual guru Deepak Chopra; by excerpting Eric Marcus's new book, Together Forever; and by allowing novelist Edmund White to blast the living hell out of it.

One of the hottest debates in today's gay world involves the m word. Is it for us, we wonder, or is it just aping straight society? Is it a basic human drive or a dumb social construct? And, of course, each of us wonders, Is it for me?

But this m word is not marriage. It's monogamy. Etymologically, the word means "one marriage." So how can it possibly apply to a group of people who are not legally allowed to wed?

It applies because at least some of us want it to. "The fact that so many gay and lesbian couples settle down and nest despite the lack of societal support indicates it's an important need," says Aleta Fenceroy, a 49-year-old computer programmer in Omaha who has spent seven monogamous years with Jean Mayberry, a factory worker. "We just found ourselves and knew that we wanted to be together. It might not be for everybody, but it's always been around. We know couples who have been together and monogamous for 20, 30, even 40 years. Maybe it's more prevalent in the Midwest!"

"The fact that gays can't be married shouldn't change anything," adds Buff Carmichael, 50, editor of Prairie Flame, the gay newspaper in Springfield, Ill. He and Jerry Bowman, 43, who works for the state of Illinois, have been in a monogamous relationship for six years. "A commitment is something made by two people, not by a minister or license," Carmichael says.

But, in fact, two men or two women making a commitment is different from a man and a woman doing it. Evolutionary scientists say males and females set different standards for sexual partners. They argue that since sperm is cheap, males instinctively want to spread their seed among many partners, but eggs are precious, so females seek copulation with one mate who will be a good provider. Socially, that results in compromises--marriage and adultery--but what happens when two people of the same gender don't have to meet in the middle?

One result might be the old joke: What do two lesbians take on their second date? A U-Haul. What about two gay men? What second date?

Thus, says neuroscientist Simon LeVay, gays and straights can be seen as biologically similar: The males share an interest in casual sex, while the females want to settle down. He cites studies from San Francisco in the pre-AIDS 1970s showing that the average gay male had had 500 partners up to the time of the survey interview; the average lesbian, fewer than ten.

But those are averages, and Dean Hamer, a molecular geneticist at the National Institutes of Health, believes the reason some males are more monogamous, than others is genetic. His lab has discovered a gene for a dopamine receptor, which influences a personality, trait called "novelty seeking." Those with a strong tendency for novelty seeking are more apt to bungee jump, enjoy abstract art--and have multiple sexual partners--than those with a lesser tendency. (No comparable data exists for women.)

Yet life is more than genetics, and the monogamy debate is about more than getting off. The real issues says Betty Berzon, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist who has written extensively on monogamy, are "intimacy, commitment, planning your life--things most gay people are not very good at." The reason, she believes, is that society does not provide gays with the same blueprints or models it gives straights. Because no one expects gay relationships to last, gay people think the only solution to trouble is to run out and find a new partner. This "anti-gay myth" begins in straight society, Berzon says, but gays internalize it until it becomes self-fulfilling.

Michael Cohen, a psychotherapist in Hartford, Conn., thinks monogamy is a social construct derived from religion and may or may not be natural. But he knows from his experience with clients that it is something many gay people strive for. "It's an unconscious desire to be like our parents and to be assimilated," he says. "Some people get beyond that--and see monogamy as an emotional challenge--to find the intimacy required of a close relationship. Lots of gay men can't dig deep inside to reach the emotional foundation needed to achieve sexual intimacy. When we're nonmonogamous, our emotional presence is not required as much."

Others disagree. Frances Donovan, who has "experience on both sides of the monogamy fence" and ducts workshops on that topic at educator and youth conferences, believes nonmonogamy is a negative definition. She prefers polyamory--the ability to love more than one person at a time--and says the key to successful polyamory is open, honest communication. At one workshop, participants listed several benefits of polyamory, including freedom, love, happiness, and trust.

Which brings us to two specific types of polyamory: threesomes and open relationships. Perhaps surprisingly, some of the strongest advocates for monogamy view threesomes with equanimity.

"They can be shared experiences that couples go through together," Berzon says. "The key is that it has to be both partners' choice. If it is, my job becomes helping them think about the best ways to make it work."

"There's a difference between emotional monogamy; and sexual monogamy," argues Cohen. "If a couple have threesomes occasionally and are still committed to each other, they can usually separate the two."

Yet not everyone can do that. "For me, intimacy is so complicated and scary," says Sara Schley, a faculty member in special education at New York City's Hunter College. She and her partner, carpenter Terry Barrett, firmly believe that two is enough; three would be an unacceptable crowd. "Adding another person into my life would make me shut down, not feel more erotic or excited," Schley says.

Part of monogamy's power flows from its uniqueness. It is the ultimate form of privacy, yet it also requires sharing, no easy feat. "I'm a very private person," Mayberry says, "and I've never wanted `just anyone' to know me that well. I'm not very open and trusting in that way. But I trust Aleta completely--heart, soul, and body."

Open relationships, on the other hand, are not shared experiences. Cohen warns that such arrangements are an enormous challenge, requiring great inner security. "You need to negotiate together," he advises, "and allow that your partner might have separate needs you can't always meet. It also means separating sex from love. But if you're out in the open about it, it can actually be a means of accomplishing intimacy."

During their three years together, Rebecca Scott, a 20-year-old from Tallahassee, Fla., and her partner devised four ground rules for an open relationship: Always let each other know what's going on (including who you're sleeping with and who you'd like to); always have safer sex outside the relationship; if the other person has a partner, always obtain her permission; be there for your partner when she needs you.

Some gay people cannot understand that point of view. "Open relationships seem like insecurity or codependency," says 26-year-old Brad Bergman, a production finance coordinator at the Walt Disney Co. "I don't want to share Mr. Right with anyone, and I hope he wouldn't want to share me."

Most people draw the line at cheating--that is, having outside relationships without the knowledge or consent of one's partner. "The rules are simple: If you are in a monogamous relationship, you don't cheat," says Jeffrey Denke, 26, a video producer. "It is a matter of self-control and will." The best way to combat the desire to cheat, he says, is to "explore a variety of sexual encounters together. Third partners and other couples are a great way to add variety to sex."

Even the most committed monogamists admit that boredom is a dangerous enemy. However, says Berzon, monogamy can still be sexy. "The quality of a relationship changes with time," she says. "It's uncommon for the thrill to remain over decades, but deeper love and caring replace that. Love is more than lust, but you have to talk about what's happening. You need `relationship skills' or else you'll just do the same thing over and over and only on Saturday night."

Liam Miller, 30, and Dan Wine, 27, have been together for six years. They share more than their home : Both work at The Herald-Sun newspaper in Durham, N.C., as news copy editor and assistant sports editor, respectively. Yet such closeness does not breed boredom. "Monogamy can be very sexy," Wine says. "We use candles!"

"We make sure we have plenty of `alone' time," Miller adds. "We do things together, just the two of us, and that makes our relationship even more intimate."

The two men have discussed the importance of monogamy to their relationship. "We're both like-minded, introverts, and unlikely to prowl," Miller says. "We feel lucky to have found each other. When I first met Dan I was 24, and people told me to sow my wild oats. But I didn't want to throw away a great thing, and thankfully he felt the same way. Now we don't want to do anything to burst this bubble."

For Jerry Bowman, Buff Carmichael's partner, monogamy signals comfort. "I don't feel right except with Buff," he says. "With him, I feel secure. There's something closer about a monogamous, one-to-one relationship that you can't get anywhere else."

Mayberry finds joy and sustenance in her monogamous relationship with Fenceroy. "We're like an old pair of slippers, kind of worn-down and raggedy," she observes. "There are certainly better-looking shoes out there, but none quite so comfortable. Nobody would laugh at my stupid jokes the way Aleta does. I can't imagine being with anybody else, and I don't want to imagine it."

Barrett sees monogamy as one of the most important elements in keeping a relationship stable. "Personally," she says, "in every legitimate long-term relationship I know, the people are monogamous." Her partner, Schley, describes the changing role sex has played over the years they have been together: "Hot passion is great, but if it stayed that way for 20 years, we'd be exhausted! Sex now is different."

They continue to find new ways to please each other--and they say that with monogamy and trust comes an ability to communicate that enhances their pleasure. "We do things with each other that we might have been hesitant to try before," Schley says. "We're constantly surprising each other. That apprehension level is gone."

For two partners intent on maintaining a monogamous relationship, Cohen recommends replacing the words "hot" and "sexy" with "comfortable" and "creative." Monogamy can be boring, he admits, but so can nonmonogamy: "Going from partner to partner can get old hat too."

But the fact remains that society celebrates heterosexual monogamy with legal weddings, newspaper announcements, and unquestioning joy, while gay marriage is so controversial that its very existence must be decided by the courts. If we are, as has been said, "sexual outlaws" or, at least, men and women pushing the boundaries of sexual norms, why should we want to settle down for life, the same way straight folks do? Isn't that slavishly following a society that often shuns us?

"That's the silliest argument there is," blasts Berzon. "We have exactly the same needs as straights: intimacy, connection. Is the only way to maintain our uniqueness through sex? I hope not. We are unique, but there are many different ways to express uniqueness beyond sex."

Yet Ann Northrop, a lesbian activist and coanchor of the Gay USA cable TV news show, sees the debate about monogamy as "a window of opportunity" for gays to be honest about our behavior--far more honest, in fact, than straights, who from U.S. presidents on down have never been paragons of monogamy.

"We don't have the hypocritical, hierarchical heterosexual system of rewards" that flow to folks in monogamous, committed relationships, she says. "However, we also have not talked openly about what we want from a relationship, where sex and intimacy fit in, and what may or may not work for us." Now, Northrop believes, is the time.

Ultimately, of course, choosing monogamy or polyamory is an individual's--and a couple's--decision. The results are as varied as the entire gay population, and each situation is as unique as each of us. There are people who are nonmonogamous because they fear intimacy and growing up, and couples whose 40-year relationships are as loving and unexciting as any straight pair's. There are gays who are "serially monogamous," and couples who seek new partners every weekend.

But for couples like Barrett and Schley, monogamy is the only way to go--and the m word need not stand for mundane. Their sex life is more varied than ever, thanks to their deep trust and heightened communication, but there is more to their commitment than physical pleasure.

"The emotional piece of our relationship is so important," Barrett says. "Sex is fun, but how much time can you spend on it? If you focus just on sex, you'll miss out on the emotional connection. Monogamy is about more than sex; it's really about fulfillment, joy, sharing, love, and life."

RELATED ARTICLE: Ageless love story

Jack and Ted met 15 years ago in The Advocate. Their ages--Jack is 84; Ted 67--and devotion to each other are inspiring

In the spring of 1983 Jack Waite was retired from IBM and just out of mourning for his partner of 39 years, who had died after a lengthy heart ailment. Ted Hayes, a Southern Baptist minister who was then only recently out of the closet and had never had a live-in relationship, was preparing to move from Santa Fe, N.M., to New York City. The two exchanged photos and say they knew even before they met face-to-face that they were in love. They wrote and phoned each other every day for months, until Hayes moved north. Now both are retired, living in the Hudson River Valley, and unable to imagine a life apart. Hayes tells The Advocate why.

Are you and Jack monogamous?

By all means.

What does monogamy mean to both of you?

It means being the best we can be for the one person in our lives who we love more than life itself. It is a commitment to each other in every aspect of our relationship.

How do you keep the excitement in your romance?

We are interested in each other individually, and we share activities of mutual interest. For example, Jack is a gardener extraordidaire, so we work together on our oneacre property. The excitement of seeing things grow that we have planted together adds excitement to our relationship. Jack is also very supportive of a significant project of mine: writing a book on surviving as a gay man or lesbian growing up in a Southern Baptist home or church. I have to be away several days at a time interviewing. Jack supports my work emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically and would do so financially.

How do you keep the romance alive?

We frequently provide little surprises for each other just to demonstrate our love. The first thing we do in the morning and the last thing we do at night is kiss each other. We never go to bed angry, so communication is essential. And we continue to learn more about each other. That just endears us to each other more. That is the excitement of our romantic relationship--certainly not just sex because that is not so much a part of our experience anymore,

Having con relatively lab to a relationship like this, does monogamy hold any special meaning for you?

Indeed. I used to believe that a gay man was supposed to experience a lot of sex. That didn't work for me. There was no mutual love and commitment. With Jack, there is.

What about infidelity?

If I truly love someone, it means I want the best of all possible things for that person : in health, in psychological well-being, in achieving maximum potential in everything. If infidelity is permitted for either partner or participated in on the sly, then neither can completely fulfill the role of loving in that deepest sense, and there is really no commitment in the truest sense. I truly believe in "until death do us part."

RELATED ARTICLE: Bedtime story

What happens after you and your spouse pose in bed for Life magazine?

In appearing on the cover of The Advocate's monogamy issue, Mark Sadlek and Steve Habgood of Dallas are breaking new ground for the second time. Their picture first ran in Life magazine in November 1996 as part of an essay titled WHEN WE TALK ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE, WHAT DO WE REALLY MEAN?

When Life's researchers called, Habgood remembers, "They said, `We don't mean to insult you, but we're looking for a pretty average, normal couple. We're not looking for green hair or nose rings or things along those lines.'"

Once Life chose them, Habgood and Sadlek had to decide whether they were really willing to get on board. Habgood, who at age 38 owns a marketing and public relations firm, was in favor. "I was more hesitant," says the 40-year-old Sadlek, who is director of sales and training for a construction-materials company. "My industry is very conservative. But we just felt that this was too good an opportunity for our community."

Still, the lovers kept mum until the Life story was due to appear. For Sadlek, who had come out at his job only months before, breaking the news at work was "scary as anything." It turned out that his company was supportive.

When the article hit newsstands, Habgood and Sadlek braced themselves for trouble. Instead they got a flood of letters, calls, and E-mails--all positive.

There were a few problems. Habgood lost one client; Life got some negative feedback, But pleasant surprises ruled, especially one from Sadlek's macho world of contractors and construction sites.

"One of my competitors faxed the Life article to all my high-end customers, thinking that would drive them away," says Sadlek. "That was my worst fear. But they basically said, `We had suspected about Mark for years. Now that we know for sure, what's the big deal?'" Since appearing in Life, Sadlek has won a promotion.

Now, as Advocate cover boys, Sadlek and Habgood are in effect coming out once again--because as a committed couple of nearly ten years, they feel strongly about the issue of gay monogamy.

"I think too often the religious right saddles our community with being totally unfaithful," Sadlek says. "We don't give ourselves credit for the monogamous relationships we do have. It would be an incredible step if everyone who was in a solid relationship shared that with their neighbors and just let them see."

RELATED ARTICLE: Resources for couples

No one ever said intimacy was easy. Here's some guidance for same-sex couples working on relationships and long-term commitments

For Fidelity: How Intimacy and Commitment Enrich Our Lives by Catherine M. Wallace (Knopf)

A look at how couples can stay together for decades while continuing to grow as individuals

Recognizing Ourselves: Ceremonies of Lesbian and Gay Commitment by Ellen Lewin (Columbia University Press)

An exploration of how gay and lesbian couples, despite lack of official recognition, are bringing their commitments out of the closet and pledging their love before friends and family.

The Intimacy Dance: A Guide to Long-Term Success in Gay and Lesbian Relationships by Dr. Betty Berzon (Dutton)

The author of Permanent Partners discusses reviving a relationship that has gone stale, opening lines of communication, and coping with changes and transitions--including those involving sex--in long-term relationships.

Legal Affairs: Essential Advice for Same-Sex Couples by Frederick Hetz (Owl)

Since long-term same-sex couples lack the marital laws to govern and protect their relationships, Hertz's book offers sensible advice for navigating intimacy and commitment.

The Lesbian Couples' Guide: Finding the Right Woman and Creating a Life Together by Judith McDaniel (HarperPerennial)

McDaniel looks into coupling, uncoupling, setting boundaries, having sex, not having sex, parenting, power issues, and going long-term.

Dry Bones Breathe: Gay Men Creating Post-AIDS Identities and Cultures by Eric Rofes (Harrington Park)

Taking on sex-panic debates, AIDS rhetoric, and promiscuity, Rofes maps out everything from circuit parties to monogamy as the future of gay men.

A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples by Hayden Curry, Denis Clifford, and Robin Leonard (Nolo)

A self-help law book to assist same-sex long-term relationships and families.

Growth and Intimacy for Gay Men: A Workbook by Christopher J. Alexander (Harrington Park)

An educational workbook for gay men seeking to enhance their capacity for intimacy--covering a variety of topics including self-image, dating, relationships, aging, and spirituality.

The Lesbian and Gay Book of Love and Marriage: Creating the Stories of Our Lives by Paula Martinac (Broadway Books)

This illustration-filled text covers meeting the right partner, getting serious, planning commitment ceremonies, and becoming a family with children. In case of mishap, there's also a practical guide to divorce.

RESOURCES ON THE NET

www.buddybudy.com

Containing more than 120 pages of articles and information for gay and lesbian couples, this site is one of several services provided by Seattle's Partners Task for Gay and Lesbian Couples, or phone [phone].