On their best behavior: with the proper books, cultivating civility among the young in the 21st century need not be a lost cause.

Over the years, I've tried very hard to give truly meaningful gifts for birthdays, graduations and other major rites of passage--especially to the young people in my life. From opening savings accounts and giving gift certificates to have their teeth cleaned, to movie passes and library cards, the giver can find many wonderful ways to celebrate and acknowledge victories claimed. But many people, however, now celebrate and defend rude, ill-mannered behavior. We're infamous for telling ill-mannered children how cute they are when they act out, or engage in behavior that really shows signs of some emerging pathology. Well, rude isn't cute. You can still be a funny and interesting person and have manners.

I used to think manners were something that rich people brought out with their white gloves for tea and dinner parties. As I grew closer to adulthood, I came to realize forks, dinner parties and white gloves were etiquette, part of those firm values related to appreciating and respecting others.

When my granddaughter was six, she forgot a major lesson I thought she'd learned in Civilization 101, my course in everyday manners for toddlers to teens. While in a stationery store, she asked me to buy her some stickers. Knowing she already had a "gazillion" stickers, I said, "No." She tore off the stickers anyway. When we got to the register I made her pay for them out of her own money and told her she had to leave them at the store. There were no tantrums or sucking of those baby teeth. In Fact, she now understands and asks, "How much money will I have to earn if I want to buy that DaNana?"

The store clerk was astounded and truly appreciative of what I had done. She says her business suffers seriously from the damage done by the rudeness of children and their "oh he's just a child" parents. The proprietor of the store placed a "Good manners welcomed here" sign on the door.

Nice Isn't Boring

I have a friend with the most well-mannered, very free-spirited children I know. They're also compassionate and just genuinely nice people. It's the most amazing thing, but it shouldn't be. While her daughter sports multiple piercings and a burgundy Afro with a blond streak and her 16-year-old son is incredibly shy, they always speak, take your coat and ask how your family is doing. The daughter once chaired the conflict resolution and mediation team for her school. When you bring little children to their home, they read, play Ping-Pong or shoot a few hoops.

My friend feels manners play a big role in bringing out the best in the children. Every evening, she has them write an affirmation. Their fives are filled with love and the attitude of gratitude. Daily affirmations and reassuring rituals go a long way in helping children face the challenges and delights of growing up.

"I used to think manners were not important. Now, frankly, I think they are of paramount importance," says GraceAnne A. DeCandido, a writer and an adjunct lecturer in children's literature at Rutgers School of Communication, Information and Library Studies. "Good manners make it possible for people to rub their edges together in families, in offices, and in the wider world, without mayhem. They approach the realm of the sacred"

In thinking of ways to give the gift of manners, I visited a great little bookstore in my Oakland neighborhood that refuses to be gobbled up by chains. Sure enough, there was a wonderful selection of books on manners, affirmations and values. There are gifts and then there are lifelong gifts we can share with young people like civility and manners. Compassion, gratitude and good manners can take us a long way toward peace in our families, communities and around the world.

Minding P's and Q's

Here is a selection of books to share this gift with children you know:

The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends--How to Do Right: Dudley Do-Right's Book of Manners by David Lewman Simon & Schuster, October 1998 $2.99, ISBN 0-689-82152-2 Ages 9-12

Trusted Mountee Dudley Do-Right shares some of his prized secrets on etiquette and extricating oneself from the seemingly impossible.

Best Behavior: A Celebration of Good Manners for Our African American Children by Debra A. Henry, M.D. Black Society Pages, Inc., August 2004 $12.95, ISBN 0-975-86110-7, Ages 5-10

Using playful verse and illustrated with photographs of African American children engaged in mannerly behaviors, this book of etiquette teaches the fundamentals.

Gingersnaps: Daily Affirmations for African American Children and Families by Anita Alexander and Susan Payne Jump at the Sun/Hyperion, October 1998 $8.95, ISBN 0-786-81306-7 Ages 5 and up

Words of encouragement from children's advocate Marian Wright Edelman, historian and author Carter G. Woodson and teacher Marva Collins go a long way to inspire children and youth to come into their power on the wings of good manners and affirming behavior.

How My Parents Learned to Eat by Ina R. Friedman, illustrated by Alan Say Houghton Mifflin Company, April 1987 $5.95, ISBN 0-395-44235-4 Ages 4-8

In this wonderful story, a little girl tells how her American father and Japanese mother learned to adapt their manners to the other's culture.

How Rude! The Teenagers' Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior and Not Grossing People Out by Alex J. Packer, Ph.D. Free Spirit Publishing, September 1997 $19.95, ISBN 1-575-42024-4 Ages 10 and up

From learning how to be the host with the most to dealing with ethnic jokes, social cliques and dating protocol, this book also provides some historical background on manners.

Jackie's Nine: Jackie Robinson's Values to Live by Sharon Robinson Scholastic, Inc., May 2001 $15.95, ISBN 0-439-23764-5 Ages 10 and up

Along with focusing on the core values by which Robinson rived his fife, the book shows that even the mightiest, successful men and women in history had to overcome obstacles.

Manners by Aliki HarperTrophy, May 1997 $5.99, ISBN 0-688-04579-0 Ages Baby-preschool

Manners and kind habits make for a winning combination in this whimsical book with big illustrations.

Table Manners by Vladimir Radunsky and Chris Raschka Candlewick Press, October 2001 $16.99, ISBN 0-763-61453-X Ages 4-8

Daphne Muse is a writer, social commentator and poet. The Entrance Place of Wonders: Poems of the Harlem Renaissance is her forthcoming children's book (Abrams, spring 2006).