Olympic awards that never made the podium.

Byline: Susan Palmer The Register-Guard

It's almost over and just in time. After 16 days and about 64 hours of prime-time Olympics broadcasts, some of us sports fans are permanently embedded in our sofas.

Spectacular crashes, on-air temper tantrums, oversized egos taking a beating - and then there were the actual Games. They kept us (mostly) glued to the tube.

Now that most results are in, we've got a few awards we'd like to give out. Herewith, the official couch potato's Olympic medals:

Enigmatic host award: Does Bob Costas actually like sports anymore? Was he in Italy or faking it from some studio in New York City? If it hadn't been for the occasional visit from a gold-medal athlete, how would we know? Among his many passionless comments: "Who will rise and who will fall?" Not you, Bob. Near as we can tell, no Olympic moment moved you. We figure you'd stay seated behind that desk even if the building were on fire.

Most irreverent commentary: Dick Button, naturally. The former Olympic gold medalist knows figure skating intimately, and for two weeks pointed out the highs and the lows. Among our favorites from the brash Button (Costas, take note): "That costume sort of looks like a distant cousin of my dining room curtain."

Best description of a crash and burn: "A snow snake came up and grabbed his foot," from an NBC announcer - either Trace Worthington or Steve Podborski - when American skier Joe Pack flew apart on his landing during the aerial semi-finals.

Handsomest Olympian from Eugene: That would be Joe Pack, who lives in Park City, Utah, but was born here, according to his online bio. Pack left the Games medal-free, but he has Olympic silver from the 2002 Games. Come on home, Joe. Plenty of fans would be happy to offer consolation.

Overplayed backstory: American ice dancer Jamie Silverstein had an eating disorder when she was 15. She's 22 now, and a student at Cornell University, yet every time she glided onto the ice, the announcers mentioned the disorder.

Best description of Canada: An NBC commentator described northern Quebec, where Canadian skier Francois Bourque grew up, as "Seven months of winter and five months of lousy weather."

Best lil' sis revenge: Hannah Teter survived life with four older brothers, two of them also terrific snowboarders. But she's the one who bagged the gold on the women's half-pipe.

Most inane comment: "He's a true athlete. He's always searching for perfection," from one of NBC's off-camera announcers. Huh? As opposed to all the other Olympic athletes out there searching for mediocrity?

Worst nickname: Much as we'd like to give it to Austrian skier Hermann "The Hermannator" Maier, American aerial skier Jeret "Speedy" Peterson deserves it more. It sounds like your neighbor's annoying kid and has nothing to do with his sport. We're so knocked out by his moves, we've re-christened him Jeret "Hurricane" Peterson.

Best geezer athlete: Werner Hoeger representing Venezuela in the luge competition. At 52, Hoeger isn't the oldest guy at the Games. That honor goes to American curler Scott Baird, 54, but we don't count anything involving a broom as a sport. Hoeger didn't medal, but he did better than his last Olympic outing, the 2002 Games, moving up from 40th to 33rd in the single men's competition.

Most improved sport: Ice dancing. Normally, we don't watch because nobody jumps. (Ergo, nobody falls). This year, several spectacular crashes impressed us so much, we think they should be included as judged elements next time around.

Best acrobat: Bode Miller. We don't care about the excess attitude and overdone pre-Games exposure. We don't care that he didn't care enough to push himself toward a medal. Anybody who can stay up on one ski while his other leg flails crazily behind him, the ski banging across the snow, has some kind of instinctual genius. Even when he's off, he's on.

Commercials that backfired: Two winners here: Chevrolet's spot on the 2007 Suburban included the slogan "Every big family will want one," with prairie dogs crawling all over the sleek machine. Who buys something that promises to attract whole families of rodents?

The "Make friends with your fast" spot that suggested females are more concerned with their hair than with high-speed driving also bombed.

We've got a few words for them: Lindsey Kildow. Shauna Rohbock, Rosey Fletcher.

Hey, Volkswagen: Try making friends with the other half of your market.

CAPTION(S):

Spectacular ice dancing crashes included those of (left to right) Italy's Maurizio Margaglio and Barbara Fusa Poli; Canada's Marie-France Durbreuil and Patrice Lauzon; and Lithuania's Margarita Drobiazko and Povilas Vanagas. A total of five couples fell during their original dance programs last Sunday. Kevork Djansezian / The Associated Press Eric Gay / The Associated Press Kevork Djansezian / The Associated Press