Old ways, new world: for Afghan and Indian immigrants in the U.S., dating and marriage present special challenges.

Ashrat Khwajazadah and Naheed Mawjzada are in many ways modern American women, spurning the headscarves and modest outfits customarily worn by Afghan women.

Both in their early 20s, they have taken a route still controversial for Afghan women living in America: going to college to pursue professions. And both defy the ideal of submissive Afghan womanhood. Mawjzada speaks up forcefully when men talk politics at the dinner table.

But at the same time, neither woman has ever dated. Like most women in the Afghan community in New York, they are waiting for their parents to pick their spouses.

Elsewhere in New York, Bodh Das, a physician from India, wanted his daughters to marry within his Hindu caste. His eldest daughter, Abha, returned to India in 1975 to wed a man she had never met from her father's Kayashta caste. Das's second daughter, Bibha, also married a Kayashta.

But Rekha, who is the most Americanized of Das's three daughters, married a man outside her father's caste whom she met in school. It was what Indians call "a love marriage": that is, a marriage that is not arranged by the parents.

Indians and Afghans living in America, particularly women, must often strike a delicate balance as they grow up in a relatively freewheeling society, but with immigrant parents who are holding on to the customs of their homeland. The tension between immigrant parents and children today is no different from that experienced by the Irish, Italian, Jewish, and other immigrant groups of the 19th and 20th centuries. Those newcomers also looked on with anger or resignation as their children gradually adopted the prevailing culture.

Among Afghans, no tradition is more ironclad than parents arranging their children's marriages. It is generally felt that if a daughter chooses her own husband, it damages her father's stature in the community.

"The girl is a trophy piece," says Mawjzada. "If the girl has a good reputation, the family has a good reputation."

Marriage customs for men are more lenient. Bashir Rahim, 29, says that if he meets a girl who interests him at a family gathering he will find out her address, then send his parents to her home to start a conversation about marriage.

AN ANCIENT HIERARCHY

India's caste system goes back thousands of years to the origins of Hinduism. At the top were the Brahmin scholars and priests; at the bottom were the Dalit, or "untouchables." After India gained its independence from Britain in 1947, the legal forms of the caste system were abolished. But attitudes shaped by an ancient and pervasive social system don't change easily.

As Bodh Das's experience shows, remnants of the caste hierarchy have managed to stow away on the journey to the United States, although the system is withering here as Indians assimilate more thoroughly into American culture.

Some young people are still attached to the old ways. Hariharan Janakiraman, a 31-year-old software engineer, has agreed to let his parents find a Brahmin wife for him.

They will consult his horoscope and that of his prospective bride. The young woman will then be asked to prepare some food and sing and dance to show that all her limbs work. If he were to marry a woman outside of his caste, says Janakiraman, "My uncle and aunt won't have a good impression of my parents, so I won't do that."

But sometimes an arranged marriage can he painful. Masuda Sultan, 26, grew up in New York and is now a graduate student at Harvard. When she was 15, her father arranged for her to marry a doctor twice her age.

AFGHAN OR AMERICAN?

"I actually thought it could work," recalls Sultan. "When your actions are limited and you're from a certain world and you respect your family, you go along with their wishes."

Sultan wanted to finish college before they began having children, and tensions with her husband became irreconcilable. After three years, they divorced, which is a rare and humiliating event in the Afghan community.

"The core issue was really a different philosophy of what it means to be Afghan and what it means to be American," says Sultan. "Ultimately I was being treated as a child and my role was set and I was being told what I could and couldn't do."

QUIZ 3

Old Ways, New World

1. The majority religion in India is

a Sikkism.

b Islam.

c Hinduism.

d Buddhism.

2. In India, when a man and a woman marry without first obtaining their parents' permission the union is called a

a contract marriage.

b love marriage.

c government marriage.

d free marriage.

3. Which of the following statements about customs in Afghanistan is most accurate?

a Young Afghans are required to marry by the age of 20.

b Young women are required to have their mother's permission to marry, but not their father's.

c Marriage customs for men are less strict than those pertaining to women.

d Religion plays no role in marriage ceremonies.

4. For thousands of years, people in India have been categorized into different social and economic groups. These groups are called

a cadres.

b classes.

c cliques.

d castes.

5. People in the lowest group referred to in question 4, above, are known as

a untouchable.

b unworthy.

c unliked.

d unpopular.

6. Why do you think Hariharan Janakiraman, the young software engineer, is letting his parents find him a wife?--

1. (c) Hinduism. 2. (b) love marriage. 3. (c) Marriage customs for men are less strict than those pertaining to women. 4. (d) castes. 5. (a) untouchable.6. Answers will vary, but should include the idea that Indian customs and culture are so deeply ingrained in Janakiraman that he is unable to understand ignoring those values.

News & Trends Essay

"Old Ways, New World" describes the challenges that young Afghans and Indians face as members of a new generation of immigrants to the U.S.

If you were one of these new immigrants, how might you strike a balance between respect for your culture and traditions and a desire to embrace the values of your new homeland?

Answers will vary, but might include the idea that one can love and respect one's family and their culture while not surrendering one's own individuality.

Balancing two cultures may be difficult, but the children of earlier immigrants have gradually adopted the prevailing culture while retaining their ethnic identity.