Offer support, not advice, to adult children.

Byline: BIRTH TO THREE By Robbie Wright For The Register-Guard

You've become a new grandparent, and although your role as a parent never really ends, the arrival of a grandchild often makes the boundaries of what to say or do with your adult children less defined. As a parent, you want to help your child in the new role as Mom or Dad, yet are hesitant about overstepping or intruding into her or his territory.

Here are a few suggestions of ways grandparents can provide role modeling and support to the new family.

Respect the choice of parenting style.

Just as you probably chose to parent differently from your own parents, your child will also develop his or her own parenting style. There have been tremendous strides made in the area of child development in the past 30 years, and the emphasis on child rearing has shifted from a parent-centered to a child-centered approach. Grandparents may find reading current books or articles on child rearing today very helpful in understanding the newer approach.

Model positive parenting to your own children.

Parenting is a whole new experience for your son or daughter, and the words you use can provide support and strength, or can hinder his or her role. Remember, the way you behave with and speak to your child will clearly influence how he or she will interact and treat your grandchildren.

Use good communication skills.

Think before you speak. Choose your words wisely, for even the smallest comment such as, `Oh, his little hands feel cold,' may seem like a judgment or criticism to a new parent. Acknowledge to your child that you aren't an expert on parenting and welcome any suggestions and discussions on ways of doing things differently. Ask questions rather than give advice, especially unsolicited advice. Do not criticize your son or daughter in front of your grandchildren. It is demeaning and can cause stress between all three generations. If you have a concern or disagree with your son or daughter, set up a time where you can discuss the issue. Start by asking questions, listening carefully and understanding his or her approach. Focus on your own feelings, not on what you want done differently, and remember the goal is to be a family, not to be right.

Cheri Burcham, a family life educator from the University of Illinois, makes this suggestion to grandparents: `I recommend that you let your adult children take the lead in rearing their children, and that you don't interfere unless your grandchild's safety and well being are threatened.'

Provide emotional support for new parents.

Whether you live in the same city or across the country, a frequent call, e-mail or note of reassurance is always helpful to parents who are facing new child rearing challenges these days. Your role can be to serve as a much needed sounding board, and as a solid source of encouragement. It's also important to emphasize to your adult children that parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and you are proud of them for all that they are doing.

There are countless ways to offer support to your adult children as they enter this new phase of life. The keys are honest communication, respect and honoring their right to raise their children their own way. In "Who Asked You?" author Joy Elbaum wrote, `Our relationship with our children can be deepened and enriched as they become our friends and equals. And, best of all, we get to watch them set out on their own parenting journey - with our roots and their own wings.'

Robbie Wright is the mother of four adult children and grandmother of two. She was on staff at Birth To Three for 15 years. Birth To Three is a nonprofit organization dedicated to strengthening families through parent support and education. For more information about Birth To Three, call 484-5316.

It's important to emphasize to your adult children that parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and you are proud of them for all that they are doing.