Of Wrongway Wheels, Windows [sic] Shopping, and a Heavily Cool Comeback to 'What's up?'.

At this, the fin de vingtieme siecle, onc hopes that the brilliant technophiles in special-effects land will soon solve a problem that has confounded this grizzled gourd ever since the first stagecoach flick and right on through today's ubiquitous automobile commercials:

Please! Fix it so vehicle wheels spin only in the direction the vehicle is moving. I can't recall how many times 1 have nearly fallen off my perch when a set of televised racing wheels suddenly seem to lock up, then rotate the other way with no discernible loss of traction or momentary flat-spotting. Hollywood, pay attention.

* Elena De Lisser, a staff reporter of The Wall Street Journal, wrote an engaging page-one piece headed "One-Click Commerce:/What People Do Now! To Goof Off at Work". Observes De Lisser, "While a lot of ink has been spilled on the explosion of online shopping, not much has been said about where people are doing all that browsing." Her next line merely glitters: "In many instances they're Windows shopping from the privacy of their office cubicle."

One paragraph higher, sad to say, she misspoke while busting a member of the hierarchy who was busting a member of the lowerarchy for "Windows shopping": But it seems the boss himself used his company PC to shop for his car. De Lisser pounced: "But to paraphrase the Good Book, let he that is without sin cast the first stone."

As tartly told in the third edition of Fowler's Modem English Usage, edited by R. W. Burchfield (1996), "The use of he instead of him in an objective position, an indication of genuine illiteracy, is now depressingly common." That Burchfield always has been a hard-ass. For the record, The Good Book quotation appears in the Book of John; it reads "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." It's always a good idea to keep in mind Lord Byron's line about the writer "With just enough of learning to misquote."

While hanging around in this highclass neighborhood, let us ruminate on twin transgressions that involve antique possessives. A Boston Globe photo caption tells readers that "the Dollhouse Theatre dishes up a drama that goes far beyond Euripides's script" (Oct. 7, '99). A month later the AP's Tammy Webber wrote about a parchment manuscript that "scholars believe was copied in the 10th century by a scribe from Archimedes's original scrolls...."

Both the Associated Press Stylebook and that of The Wall Street Journal say an apostrophe alone indicates possession in ancient classical names, e.g., Euripides' dramas, Achilles' heel, Hercules' labors, and, of course, Archimedes' scrolls.

* A WSJ essay titled Hooray for Soft Money (Oct. 27, '99) ended with this graph:

"Politicians have to get their campaign cash from somewhere, so they... listen to interest-group twaddle about banking minutiae. At least at the end of a long day, the banking minutiae gets attended to." High marks for the meticulous spelling of the word that's pronounced mi-NYU-sheee and means "minute details." But because minutiae is the plural form, that gets gets to be get. The singular is minutia.

* A national business publication noted this summer that "Consumers who are cranking up their air conditioning may think electric companies are in store for a bonanza."

Beware in store. Webster's New World College Dictionary (4th ed. 1999) says "In Store -- set aside for, or awaiting one in, the future; in reserve or prospect." So even if a windfall did lie ahead for the electric companies, the writer presented the fact badly. Re-read the definition and you will doubtless agree that the sentence should say, "Consumers who are cranking up (air cons) may think a bonanza is in store for electric companies."

* My most recent e-mail from the estimable ABC Wilma Mathews, p.r. director at Arizona State U., says "Here's one for you: In this morning's e-mail I received a copy of a note concerning the awarding of a prize. The person, disappointed that she didn't win, wrote: 'I thought I was a shoe in for the... trip.'

"Shoe in? Shoo in? Shoo-in? Yours in shoes, Wilma."

Most lexicons show the 1937 noun shoo-in shoehorned between shoofly and shook, where it is defined "1. A sure winner. 2. One that has a sure chance of being chosen, as for a job or other position," (American Heritage Dict., 3rd. ed. 1999).

* Traditional dictionaries don't always include allusions, phrases like yellow brick road, Typhoid Mary, hoist with one's own petard, and alpha male, which are seldom easy to find. Merriam-Webster has snared some 900 of these in a fine trade paperback (US$14.95) titled M-W's Dictionary of Allusions, compiled by Elizabeth Webber and Mike Feinsilber. For the likes of sea change, grassy knoll, city on a hill, age of Aquarius, death by a thousand cuts, this is a 592-page champ... right down to Zazu's Petals.

* Pure joy is often nothing more than seizing the perfect moment in which to display your perfect wit. So the next time one of your less-than-literate, less-than-best acquaintances hails you with "What's up?" reply...

"Preposition... could be an adverb."

* Joy to the Word in 2000.

Alden Wood, APR, lecturer on editorial procedures at Simmons College, Boston, Mass., writes and lectures on language usage. He is a retired insurance industry vice president of advertising and public relations.