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Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

You know you're in danger of Olympic overexposure when:

There's a consistent urge for Panda Express at 4 a.m. each day, because you know it's 7p.m. Beijing time, and the orange chicken goes fast.

Team handball merges with "Hardball with Chris Matthews" on MSNBC, you can't tell if it's "Squawk Box" or a boxer squawking about a decision that went against him on CNBC, Matt Vasgersian morphs into Tony Shalhoub on USA Network, and there's a question as to whether someone on the Tori Spelling reality show on Oxygen is actually telling a story about the equestrian event -- so Tori, why the long face?

You're actually defending NBC's use of the graphic that says "live." In all actually, it was live. At some point. On some day. Just not today. Especially not now. Probably not yesterday or tomorrow, either. Besides, "live" is only a state of mind. Just like our mind has now become like an omelet. A French omelet, that keeps telling us how it's soooooo much better than an American omelet.

Bela Karolyi starts to make sense.

Kobe Bryant makes a steal for the U.S. men's basketball team and starts a fast break against Spain, and we're looking for the graphic green line to follow Dwyane Wade to the basket.

Stories about the opening ceremony don't seem to stop, whether it's about the fake fireworks or a lipsynching 9-year-old who somehow couldn't make the Chinese "women's" gymnastics team. We're starting to wonder if maybe all those 2,008 guys waving their sticks around were just playing advanced copies of "Drum Hero."

After listening to American track stud Bershawn "Batman" Jackson talk about all the hurdles he had to overcome as a kid so that he could hurdle the hurdles in the 400-meter hurdles, your milkshake curdles.

Cris Collinsworth is hanging around so much with Michael Phelps' mom, you wonder if there's a need for him to take a paternity test.

Mary Carillo actually draws your interest as she explains how beavers build dams, the birth rate of giant pandas and why deep-fried scorpions taste like ... Panda Express' orange chicken?

You become overly concerned that Jim Lampley's studio chair is about two feet too short.

After another promo for the new season of "America's Got Talent," you swear that David Hasselhoff and Sharon Osborne are conferring at the judges' table during the women's trampoline competition.

Nastia Liukin can't connect on the cell phone with her mom after she just won a gold gymnastics medal, so you try calling the "Phelps Phan" who didn't have enough bars to find out what the best wireless service is to use in these kind of emergencies.

You begin to wonder how bald beach volleyball beast Phil Dalhausser would look in a Manny Ramirez dreadlock wig.

Rowdy Gaines is getting way too rowdy. Julie Foudy looks far too pouty. And you begin to doubt that Teddy Atlas could find Kazakhstan on a map even if Borat eliminated five of the seven continents.

The sound of Al Trautwig makes you long for John Tesh on gymnastics coverage.

Bob Costas is grilling President Bush on diplomatic policy, and you decide he's lobbying to be the next host of "Meet the Press."

Even the basketball broadcasters are trying to keep themselves interested. As the U.S. women take a 72-31 lead in the third quarter over Mali, Mike Breen says: "To spice things up at some point in the fourth quarter, we're going to have (analyst) Ann Meyers talk about her top five embarrassing moments in her life." And she comes back with: "You mean, working with you?"

It looks like Brandi Chastain, who we swear said she was in a studio in New York calling the game off a TV screen, is now standing on the field in Beijing talking to American player Brian McBride. Or wait, that's Foudy. Or Mia Hamm. Who's home taking care of the twins?

You're not sure if it's synchronized diving or one diver you just see twice because of blurred vision. Later, when Phelps throws his goggles aside because too much water got into them, you get an idea -- sport a pair of goggles loaded up with Visine.

At the water polo venue, Angola's Bombo Calandula twists her knee and has to come out.

Then you realize it's team handball. It just looks the same. Take care, Bombo, and maybe you should learn the backstroke.

Costas signs off with a line from "The Truman Show," telling those who are heading off to bed: "It's good morning, good afternoon and good night from Beijing." And you finally get it.

But just before turning in, you figure out that the Panda Express Web site accepts online orders for pickup. That's as good as gold.

CAPTION(S):

4 photos, 2 boxes

Photo:

(1) Go ahead, try the scorpions on a stick with silkworms and sea horses -- it could taste like orange chicken.

Mark Ralston/Getty Images

(2) MICHAEL PHELPS

(3) MARK SPITZ

(4) TIM LEIWEKE

Box:

(1) sunday punch

- Tom Hoffarth

(2) The Pop Quiz