ON THE NFL\Colts have no kick; Cowboys face packing.

Byline: Norman Chad 

The Indianapolis Colts are one step away from the Super Bowl, which is akin to Mister Ed being one step away from the Kentucky Derby.

The Indianapolis Colts? As of two weeks ago, I honestly could not have named a single Colts defensive starter. In Miami once, they had the No-Name Defense, but in Indianapolis, we're talking No-DNA Defense.

I mean, who are these guys?

Here's a test for you:

Group A: Stephen Grant, Quentin Coryatt, Tony McCoy, Jeff Herrod, Bernard Whittington, Ray Buchanan, Conrad Clarks.

Group B: Eddie White, Nathan Clifford, John McLean, James Wilson, Thomas Todd, Stanley Reed, Tom Clark.

One of those groups are former Supreme Court justices and one of those groups are current Indianapolis Colts defensive players.

Answer: Group A wears helmets, Group B wears robes.

Even on offense, the only Colt any of us ever has heard of is Jim Harbaugh, and you have to figure if Harbaugh gets hurt, they'll probably bring in Earl Morrall.

(Incidentally, a recent survey revealed that seven of 29 NFL owners had not ever realized the Colts were no longer in Baltimore. Al Davis was not included in the survey, because none of the acceptable responses to the question asked provided for profanity.)

Curiously, Indianapolis is the 24th largest TV market in the country, but when adjusted for black-and-white sets and homes not tuned to ESPN's "SpeedWeek," it falls to No. 172.

(By the way, NBC announced that, in the event the Colts win today, it will pre-empt its entire Super Bowl XXX coverage Jan. 28 to air a "Best of 'Blossom' " retrospective.)

We can kid Indianapolis because we love Indianapolis. And, in this continually improbable NFL season, I'll stand somewhat firm in support of the Colts. The Steelers are 11-point favorites in Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh will win but Indianapolis will cover. Pick: Colts.

Packers at Cowboys (-9): This is the Good Ship Lollipop vs. the Evil Empire. This is a publicly owned team vs. a privately held monolith. This is everything good and clean and pure and right in America vs. dirty, stinkin' scoundrels.

I think you know where The Man stands on this one.

I have a message for Jerry and Deion and Troy and Michael and Emmitt: Sure, you're good at what you do, but you've been on stage a bit too long. In that manner, Cowboys games are very much like Howie Mandel concerts.

We here in Green Bay - well, technically, I've never been to Wisconsin, although I now list Sheboygan as my hometown for football and social reasons - believe the Packers have the better quarterback (Brett Favre), the better coach (Mike Holmgren), the better cause (restoring pride to Titletown USA) and the better God-fearing defensive lineman (Reggie White).

Heck, the last time Charles Haley went to church, he sacked the altar boy.

Meanwhile, on the subject of sex, raised by the Cowboys' Nate Newton on Monday, the 320-pound guard actually said he warned his teammates to abstain "anywhere from 24 to 48 hours" before last week's Eagles game and, this week, "I'm trying to hold it to 72 hours." Frankly, I don't think Bill Bates - and you all have seen him on special teams as long as I have, folks - can go that long without some type of physical contact.

(Personal Note: The Man generally abstains from sex from 24 to 48 days before columns, but this is not so much a standing rule as it is sad reality.

As we all know by now, the Cowboys have beaten the Packers five times in the past three seasons, all in Dallas, twice in the playoffs. To which I say, after deep and penetrating analysis:

Fiddlesticks!

The Cowboys are going down, like the plundering Visigoths did in the eighth century. And if they don't, I'll be back in two weeks to tell you why they're going down in Super Bowl XXX. Pick: Packers.

Last week: 2-2.

Season record: 121-116-8.

( Quick Gambling Yarn: Week after week, a gambler was losing his shirt on football. Each Saturday he'd bet on college games and each Sunday he'd bet on NFL games - and each weekend he'd lose a bundle. He was the bookie's dream. Then the football season neared an end, and the bookie was upset because of his anticipated loss of revenue. How, he wondered, could he keep this losing customer? Finally, he went to the guy and said, "Listen, hockey season is under way and we'll be happy to take your action." "Hockey," said the man, insulted. "What do I know about hockey?")