New Age guilt: dealing with the unrealistic expectations of positive thinking.

In 1988, The New Age Journal asserted that "Ever since Shirley MacLaine went out on a limb and described her newfound spiritual powers, the slogan 'We create our own reality' has become something of a self-help panacea .... in recent years, a more extreme interpretation has taken hold ... a belief that we are personally responsible for .. everything that happens to us."

This is a dangerous belief for anyone who lives with a chronic illness. This popular idea is supposed to be a comfort to us -- unless, of course, we fail to "think ourselves well." Our society already looks at illness as a failure. Failure to "think ourselves well" is part of what I call New Age Guilt.

These New Agers have managed to interpret all physical diseases as psychological in origin and all illness as spiritual lessons we are giving ourselves. This doctrine goes on to say that because we have "caused" our illness we can cure it. It says we are responsible for our interpretations of what we experience and for what happens to us.

The "you create your own reality" idea appears to offer a cure for our helplessness. After all, what we create, we can un-create. We are not powerless in front of something we can't change, and if we fail, at least it is our own failure.

But these are very unrealistic expectations of the healing potential of positive thinking. And these expectations can affect the people who care about us as much as they do us.

People who love us want us to heal ourselves, and do it now! I've had people ask, "What are you trying to teach yourself?" and, when I had eye problems, "What are you trying to avoid seeing?" This philosophy says people can actually help someone in a wheelchair by asking, "Why are you avoiding standing up for yourself?"

When I learned that I had a serious illness, I began to judge myself for not doing enough to help myself -- for not changing my diet, not stretching often enough, not seeking medical help or trying alternatives before the disease had progressed to its present stage.

I became very depressed and blamed myself for creating this disease. I stubbornly held onto the belief that I would walk again if I worked at positive thinking, visualizing healthy cells, and reciting affirmations. My hopeful thinking was a sophisticated form of denial. It only produced more guilt, disappointment, heartache, and fear -- all considerably more debilitating than having MS was for me!

Because MS is so frightening and epitomizes the loss of control for many of us, it's no wonder that we seek comfort in theories about why we got sick. It's not easy to accept what we all know. Powerful factors -- our genes, our environment, physical or emotional stress, even temporary heat-related conditions -- affect us no matter how optimistic we are.

We are not to blame if the course of our MS does not unfold according to a plan of positive thinking. Sometimes, we cannot cure our bodies.

I recommend a more nurturing positive approach, distinct from that false kind of positive thinking. I call my practice healthy positive focusing. When I learned to acknowledge the source of unrealistic expectations, I began to awaken to a more gentle model of psychological and spiritual health.

A positive focus is as simple as seeing my cup as half-full instead of half-empty. A positive focus is the difference between looking out of the window on a rainy day and saying, "It's dark and horrible outside" or using the day to listen to music, catch up on the computer, or read a good book.

With practice, positive focusing has become part of my life.

Linda Noble Topf, M.A., is author of You Are Not Your Illness: Seven Principles for Meeting We Challenge Fireside Books, Simon & Schuster, 1995. $12.00. To order by credit card, call 1-800-223-2336.