NOW WE SEE HOW WEIRD IT CAN GET.

Byline: JANE ROBISON

HAVE you ever seen anything kookier than what's going on in Florida?

Frankly, this reality TV is starting to scare me. Especially when Lucy and Ricky appear alive and well in Florida: She's in charge of the West Palm Beach polling booths, and last year, he orchestrated entertainment for the Elian Gonzalez festival of stars.

It's also troubling that the fate of the Free World comes down to 19,120 elderly voters who kept punching out holes for president until they found the right one.

Are we sure they knew they were voting and not playing bingo and a chance for a free buffet at IHOP? Or trying to match up three lemons and win a pile of quarters?

Isn't it interesting that so many elderly people can manage five slot machines simultaneously in Las Vegas but arrows pointing in different directions on a ballot confuse them?

Now we have an international situation on our hands.

What's the world coming to? James Baker and Warren Christopher may soon be pleading with Fidel Castro and Slobodan Milosevic to send election monitors to West Palm Beach so the revote will be stolen fair and square?

With this first election in the 21st century, all my illusions about American democracy have been shattered - money can't buy you love or the White House.

Until Tuesday, I thought Florida was the one state that had all the right stuff: Disneyworld and Epcot Center; Cape Canaveral and the Everglades; the Kennedy compound and Key Largo.

But there's no escaping the national drama playing out on the same shores where they filmed ``Beach Blanket Bingo.''

I tried watching ``Titans'' Wednesday night. But the fake fluff, sex and intrigue paled compared to watching CNN's coverage of the Florida recount.

I was dazzled by Gore's campaign chairman, William Daley, telling the country that ``an injustice unparalleled in our history'' due to ballot irregularities might be perpetrated by Florida's election process.

As the son of the late, great, legendary poll watcher Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, who's motto was ``vote early and often,'' he knows what he's talking about when he speaks authoritatively about irregularity.

And then I was dumbfounded by how confidently Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, brother to Texas Gov. George W. Bush, addressed the nation, speaking in a distinguished and measured tone and tossing words like ``recuse'' off with ease. Why did dad let the dumber one run for president?

On the other hand, how can you trust the country to a family of bush- league brothers who can't find misplaced ballot boxes in the Everglades to save their lives, not to mention the family legacy?

This is ineptitude of the highest order.

It appears the country is caught up in a conspiracy of dunces to rob the American electorate of its rightful vote.

The only fair thing to do is split the country in half.

Give Al Gore the Left Coast, George W. the Right Coast and Ralph Nader all the proceeds from the Lincoln Bedroom and see how long it takes him to fuzzy up his position on campaign finance reform.

That leaves Pat Buchanan with Florida.

I give him six months to launch the Bay of Palms to free Elian Gonzalez.

That's about the same time that actors and writers will be striking in Hollywood. Buchanan could keep us entertained for months.