NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.

Byline: NORMAN CHAD NFL 

Who can make sense of the NFL these days? Certainly not me - heck, I couldn't find my way to San Jose if you stuck me in a CHiPs patrol car with Dionne Warwick.

In pro football of late, the only things you can count on are the St. Louis Rams scoring from anywhere on the field and the Washington Redskins not scoring from anywhere near the goal line.

Still, I'm here to help, so to make things somewhat clearer, let me present you Ten Absolute Truths About the NFL:

--1. Brett Favre (Kiln, Miss.) and Kurt Warner (Iowa City, Krypton) remain the best, most entertaining quarterbacks on God's green Earth.

--2. Whether they start 0-2 or 2-0, the Cincinnati Bengals always finish 4-12.

--3. Like cops, referees are never around when you really need one.

--4. As part of the NFL realignment in 2002, the Arizona Cardinals will lose games in a different part of the country.

--5. When Tony Banks looks in the mirror, I believe he sees Jeff George.

--6. Cleveland Browns fans can be divided into two groups - those who return their beer bottles for deposit and those who don't.

--7. The best team doesn't always win, but the worst team usually loses, particularly if Jon Kitna is at quarterback.

--8. If CBS' Jerry Glanville spoke French, that would make two languages in which I wouldn't understand him.

--9. Jason Garrett is 35. Boy, time flies.

--10. Instant replay should not be used as an officiating tool, except in the occasional marriage.

(TV Note I: If I could make a call of up to 20 minutes for 99 cents, I would ring Terry Bradshaw ASAP and plead with him to stop making those irritating, embarrassing commercials.)

(TV Note II: ABC figures that by moving ``Monday Night Football'' to Saturday night live, Dennis Miller might remember how to be funny.)

(TV Note III: Is there anyone out there who actually got a Lexus for Christmas?)

(Officiating Note: I believe the NFL's new ``no beer after the third quarter'' rule will only work if there is also a rule that states ``any bottle thrown must be thrown in the quarter in which it was purchased.'')

As always, the following picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:

--Seahawks at Chargers (-1 1/2): Ah, I remember the good old days of October when the Chargers were 5-2 and The Man was photographed on the cover of Prognosticators Weekly munching Beluga caviar and Cheez-Its. Pick: Seahawks.

--Vikings at Packers (-10 1/2): It's a good thing Cris Carter took Randy Moss under his wing; otherwise, Moss would be really fouled up. Just being practical about it, Vikings coach Dennis Green no longer travels to road games. Pick: Packers.

--Colts at Rams (-13 1/2): Don't look now, but it appears Rams don't have to go outdoors the rest of the season, through Super Bowl XXXVI. Footnote: Even when Kurt Warner picnics, it's indoors. Pick: Rams.

--Bills at Jets (-7): Unexpected fourth-quarter audible by Bills QB Alex Van Pelt last week: ``Testing - one two three, testing - one two three. Jets' victory Sunday night wiped out more cities than ``Independence Day.'' Pick: Bills.

--Raiders at Broncos (-1): Because of his busy schedule, Raiders coach Jon Gruden hired someone to eat and sleep for him. Broncos offensive line featured last week on ``America's Most Wanted.'' Pick: Raiders.

--Cardinals at Panthers (-1): Humorist Lewis Grizzard once wrote, ``Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.'' I believe he was a Panthers fan. Pick: Panthers.

--Redskins at Saints (-5): In my view, if gifted owner Daniel M. Snyder took a more active and involved role with the Redskins, the team would do much, much better. Pick: Redskins.

--Giants at Eagles (-4 1/2): Addition of street mime has not reinvigorated Giants' special teams. Injury report: Jason Sehorn, out (sprained ego). Pick: Eagles.

--Steelers (-7 1/2) at Bengals: Ironically, neither Steelers RB Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala or Bengals WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh likes to play Scrabble. Pick: Steelers.

--49ers (-6) at Cowboys: Terrell Owens, we are told, ``runs angry.'' Frankly, I think he sleeps angry, too. Cowboys to go with Hail Mary on opening drive. Pick: 49ers.

--Browns at Titans (-6 1/2): This game, I believe, will jog memories of the ragtag 325th EVAC-M*A*S*H 4077 tilt from several autumns back. Pick: Browns.

--Falcons at Dolphins (-7): Because of his speed, Michael Vick now handles all of Falcons' car-rental returns. Pick: Falcons.

--Chiefs at Jaguars (-4 1/2): Chiefs abandoning traditional huddle for new ``town hall'' format. Pick: Chiefs.

--Ravens at Buccaneers (-1 1/2): If Shannon Sharpe could travel back in time, I'm guessing he would trash-talk Mahatma Gandhi. Pick: Ravens.

--Bears (-3 1/2) at Lions: To Matt Millen's credit, Lions are best 1-13 team in NFL. Pick: Bears.

Last week: 4-10-1.

Season record: 90-114-11.

(* Fifth consecutive losing week forces The Man to go underground, which at least will put me closer to my final destination.)