NO WAY TO SAY AU REVOIR.

Byline: STEVE DILBECK

Not to ram this down anyone's consciousness, but this whole Zinedine Zidane head-butt thing has to get you thinking.

Which is exactly what Zidane was not doing. He was all mindless fury, road rage in shin guards.

He completely snapped. Went all Bobby Knight on us. Was insulted and reacted like one of those cartoon characters that has bloodshot eyes bulging out of its head and steam exploding from its ears.

That Marco Materazzi, there's the temptation to call him a genius, only if he was so smart he would have said something really nasty in the first minutes of the World Cup final to get Zidane tossed and prevent his early score.

As it is, Zidane ramming Materazzi in the chest and subsequently being booted out of the game rates as the single dumbest meltdowns in the history of sports.

Woody Hayes, Juan Marichal, Dennis Rodman, Latrell Sprewell, Roger Clemens and Knight all had their inglorious moments of anger. But none truly compare to Zidane's meltdown on a stage of this magnitude, in the title game of an international tournament that happens only once every four years, with his team starting to take control and watched by more people than any other single world sporting event on all nine planets.

It instantly became the most infamous head-butt in history. His soccer career may be over, but Zidane may have a career waiting opening holes for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

``I don't know what Materazzi said to Zidane,'' France coach Raymond Domenech said. ``But it's a shame. It's sad. He (Materazzi) did a lot of acting, and for such a big man, a gust of wind made him fall over.''

Right, if that gust happens to be blowing 175 mph and hurling a Revolutionary War cannonball. The amazing thing wasn't that Materazzi fell over, but got up.

Materazzi admitted Tuesday he did insult Zidane, though he denied calling him any of those nasty names the English and Brazilian press claimed after hiring lip readers.

There was a BBC report that Materazzi allegedly called Zidane a ``liar'' and followed up with an expletive-laden insult. Brazil's Globo claimed he called Zidane's sister a prostitute.

The Times of London reported Materazzi called Zidane the ``son of a terrorist whore.''

A lip reader hired exclusively by the Daily News confirms Materazzi sneered and said: ``Your mother wears Algerian army boots.''

``I did insult him, it's true,'' Materazzi said Tuesday in Italy's Gazzetta dello Sport. ``But I categorically did not call him a terrorist. I'm not cultured and I don't even know what an Islamic terrorist is.''

There have been more believable confessions. Culture is a birthright in Italy. Maybe he just needs a better interpreter.

But it really doesn't matter if he went ``your momma'' on Zidane, commented on his growing bald spot or claimed his sister had a wild 1999 weekend with Osama bin Laden, you don't suddenly go bighorn sheep and get tossed out in the waning moments of the biggest soccer game in four years.

It was bizarre, compelling, and oddly, almost American.

Imagine Gary Payton, soccer player. The man can talk some serious smack. You'd better have a thick skin. If you're possibly still the finest soccer player in the world but have a Rasheed Wallace temperament to go along with Michael Jordan ability, you should expect opponents to attempt to get under your skin.

It may not be classy, but it's smart. Zidane has a history. Five years ago with Juventus, he head-butted an opponent in a Champions League match against Hamburger SV after being tackled from behind.

Zidane was 10 minutes away from a shootout, in which Italy had a horrid record. Ten minutes from possibly leading France to two titles in three World Cups.

People keep asking -- What was he thinking? -- but clearly he wasn't. It was infantile rage; either that, or this wildly heralded soccer star has the IQ of a flat souffle.

It became the defining moment of the 2006 World Cup, certainly in this country. Most Americans still may not know a free kick from a free lunch, but they recognize brain-dead brutality when they see it.

This was the final game of Zidane's career, and there is no retribution waiting him. What he should have done immediately after Sunday's game was apologize to Materazzi, his teammates, France and all of soccer.

Instead, he has yet to speak a word. It's coming, they keep saying.

Meanwhile, Italia celebrates. It's the greatest sports slur ever.

All major challenges in life should be so simple. If we could just induce our competitors into some vicious head butt and have them eliminated, think where we could be.

I'm considering ragging on every columnist in the LosAngeles area, get 'em all berserk and tossed in the clink, and then I'll have the entire market to myself!

Politicians can do this. One good televised head butt, and you too could be an Assemblyman. It's a natural for temperamental actors competing for parts. Siblings eyeing that last slice of cake. Brokers fighting over loans. Guys in a singles bar.

Zidane, he gets the silliest MVP award ever seen. Italy gets a world championship. Soccer gets another four years. The rest of us get to thinking.

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