NO 'BOUNCE'-ING BACK HERE.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

``Bounce'' unappealingly marries ``Random Hearts'' and ``Return to Me,'' producing a weepy melodrama that manages to be both dull and stupid. If there's one good thing that will come from this film, it's that it will probably put a moratorium on plot devices that use airline disasters to bring together love-starved singles. Movie skies will be safe for terrorists and screaming babies again.

The film is also a timely reminder that real-life couples typically don't make for engaging on-screen pairings. ``Bounce'' stars Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow, America's favorite on-again, off-again twosome. And while their relationship may make for interesting tabloid fodder, it's a bore to watch here, completely devoid of chemistry. If Affleck and Paltrow are this dispassionate in real life, it's no wonder they've moved on to greener pastures.

Of course, it's difficult to know just how much to blame the actors for this mess (although Affleck does little to dispel doubts about his leading-man capabilities) when director Don Roos' screenplay is so full of contrivances and bad dialogue. Realizing his conceit was thin to begin with, Roos (``The Opposite of Sex'') piles plot development upon plot development, ultimately landing in the last refuge for desperate filmmakers - the courtroom. There, the movie predictably (and mercifully) speeds toward its commonplace conclusion.

Affleck plays Buddy Amaral, a slick advertising executive (now there's an original concept) who gives up his seat on an airplane so a good-hearted family man (Tony Goldwyn) can make his way home. Actually, Buddy wanted a layover so he could connect with an attractive blonde (Natasha Henstridge) he met in the airport lounge. In their motel room early that morning, Buddy learns that the plane he was supposed to be on has crashed, killing everyone on board.

Buddy feels guilty, starts drinking and winds up at a treatment center. Trying to follow the tenets of Alcoholics Anonymous and apologize to those he has wronged, Buddy tracks down the widow of the man who took his place on the doomed plane. Her name is Abby (Paltrow), and she lives in Chatsworth (actually Woodland Hills, but close enough for anyone on the Westside) and has two boys, who look like ``Rugrats'' characters (a better movie, if you're looking for something to see besides ``The Grinch'' this weekend).

Buddy and Abby meet, and their lives become intertwined. But Buddy can't bring himself to tell Abby the truth about how he knows her. So ``Bounce'' treads water - there's a funny dog, a gay comic sidekick and a lot of romantic drivel - while we wait for the inevitable shoe to drop.

The movie doesn't work as a drama or a romance and the characters aren't very interesting, either. Paltrow seems cast simply because Miramax, her home base, bought the script; she isn't convincing as a Valley mom. Affleck has the ability to charm, but ask him to dig deeper and you don't get much beyond a quivering lower lip. There won't be much lip quivering from the audience however, just a lot of yawning and watch- checking as ``Bounce'' goes ``thud'' time and time again.

``BOUNCE''

(Rated PG-13: some language and sensuality)

The stars: Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Behind the scenes: Written and directed by Don Roos. Released by Miramax Films.

Running time: One hour, 42 minutes.

Playing: Citywide.

Our rating: Two stars

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Photo:

Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck build a relationship on a lie in ``Bounce.''