NFC EAST: DIVISION OF LABORIOUSNESS.

Byline: NORMAN CHAD NFL 

Who needs NFL Europe when you have the NFC East? This isn't a division, it's a disaster. What LaToya Jackson was to the Jackson family, the NFC East is to the NFL.

If the NFC East were an automobile, it would be a Ford Pinto. Look no further than Arizona to understand the quagmire. The Cardinals have lost two in a row, stand 2-5 on the season - and are 1 1/2 games out of first place. Dave McGinnis is climbing to the top of the division, one defeat at a time.

Understandably, several other NFC East coaches are stressing out.

The Giants' Jim Fassel starts every postgame news conference as if someone stole his car. The Redskins' Marty Schottenheimer might end up as Coach of the Year - or get fired at halftime. The Cowboys' Dave Campo, to his credit, always seems somewhat upbeat, but it's possible Jerry Jones medicates him.

The past two weeks, the Cowboys' starting quarterback has been Clint Stoerner, who was the fifth-rated passer last season in NFL Europe. Two things to note here: 1) There are only six teams in NFL Europe; 2) My God, who could've been the sixth-rated passer in that league?

In the exhibition season, the Cowboys' starting quarterback was Tony Banks. This week it will be Ryan Leaf. Frankly, this is coming full circle.

No team in the NFC East is averaging even 21 points a game and the division features three of the lowest-scoring teams in the league - Washington, Arizona and Dallas. In the NFC East, three-and-out is standard, a single first down is a sustained drive and a 25-yard pass is Mardi Gras.

The division is so bad, some colleges schedule NFC East teams as homecoming opponents.

The NFC East is 6-13 against out-of-division competition, with one victory against a team with a winning record. It's possible no NFC East team will finish above .500. That's happened only once in NFL history, when the Cleveland Browns won the AFC Central in 1985 at 8-8 - coached by Schottenheimer.

To be fair, the Philadelphia Eagles should be mentioned. After all, they're 4-3 and in first place in the division. Whoop-de-doo. Being the best team in the NFC East is the equivalent to being the best break dancer in a mausoleum.

As always, the following point-spread picks should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:

--Steelers (-3) at Browns: Aside to Browns fans - if your team is leading by two touchdowns with 30 seconds left and loses, you might as well turn your attention to the Cavaliers. Aside to Kris Brown - if you miss four out of five field-goal attempts again, you might as well turn your attention to Dr. Phil on ``Oprah.'' Pick: Steelers.

--Chargers at Broncos (-5 1/2): I need my Team of Destiny to understand something rather simple: In order to be inexorably Super Bowl-bound, you first must be inexorably playofound. Let this serve as your final warning, Mr. Mike Riley. Pick: Chargers.

--Panthers at Rams (-17 1/2): Woody Allen once said, ``Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.'' I believe he is a Panthers fan. Rams coach Mike Martz used what was left of his TWA frequent-flier miles to fly team to Puerto Vallarta during bye week. Pick: Rams.

--Vikings at Eagles (-4): This week along the Vikings' sideline, Cris Carter will attempt to make a fingertip catch inbounds at the same time he is pushing, shoving and shouting at teammates out of bounds. Pick: Vikings.

--Raiders (-6) at Seahawks: In regard to this expensive Matt Hasselbeck experiment, Mike Holmgren might consider this - eventually, even Coca-Cola pulled the plug on New Coke. Pick: Raiders.

--Cowboys at Falcons (-5): Ryan Leaf's statistical profile, in brief: a 4-14 record, 49.3 passer rating, 13 touchdowns, 33 interceptions, 55 sacks and one bad attitude. Pick: Falcons.

--Buccaneers (-5 1/2) at Lions: The Buccaneers are 3-4 for the fourth consecutive season. When someone's in a rut, you know what The Man says - Viva Las Vegas Pick: Buccaneers.

--Packers (-2 1/2) at Bears: Bears coach Dick Jauron is sleeping with so many angels, he had to purchase a king-size bed. Pick: Bears.

--Saints at 49ers (-3): Hurricane Kyle Turley has been downgraded to a tropical depression by the National Weather Center. Pick: 49ers.

--Giants (-6) at Cardinals: In a surprise announcement, a Giants spokesman conceded, ``Yes, we have no clothes.'' Pick: Cardinals.

--Ravens (-2) at Titans: City of Baltimore now offering tax credits to any NFL team that will give QB Elvis Grbac a starting job. Pick: Titans.

--Dolphins at Colts (-3): Plays on Jay Fiedler's wristband replaced by currency-conversion chart. Pick: Colts.

--Chiefs at Jets (-4 1/2): Chiefs' Dan Stryzinski is to coffin-corner punts what Jackson Pollock is to abstract expressionism. Pick: Chiefs.

--Bills at Patriots (-6): I don't want to sound harsh, but you could move Buffalo's defensive line with a leaf blower. Pick: Bills.

--Bengals at Jaguars (-4): Secret to Bengals' recent success in free agency? eBay. Pick: Jaguars.

Last week: 5-9.

Season record: 55-51-5.