My top t-shirt 'heavy rotators'.

I PROBABLY OWN OVER 200 T-SHIRTS. No shit. I just keep collecting them and collecting them and I can't bring myself to throw any of them away. You'd think that if you had over 200 t-shirts that you'd only have to wear each one twice a year. But it doesn't work out like that. Most of the shirts I own never even see the light of day. They sit in the garage or in boxes at my parent's house, and I only end up wearing about a dozen of them. Anyway, here's a review of some of my favorite shirts. Also knows as the "heavy rotators."

LILELEPHANT: What is that? Is that a dude puking in a toilet? Yep. My friend little Sam (who isn't so little anymore) stayed at my friend Switchie G's and my house one night back in the late '90s. I guess he got drunk while he was there or something. When we woke up he wasn't around and there was a note that said he barfed and called his mom to pick him up. He even drew a picture of what he looked like barfing. We felt bad for little Sam. But not bad enough to not put his misery on a shirt for all of his friends to wear. Oh, and Lilelephant is this make believe company my friend Lance and I pretend to run. We're big shit at that company.

PREVENT THIS TRAGEDY: I have only owned this shirt for a few months but I consider it my favorite at this moment. There's just something about it that is completely awesome and totally radical. I mean when you look at it you just feel like it's so freaking neato. Shit, I'm sorry. I can't go through with it. Truth be told I hardly ever wear this shirt. I'm just hoping to get a raise this year and felt like I had to put this shirt in the article. Don't get me wrong, it's a great shirt and all. I just can't bring myself to wear purple.

THE BODY FIRM: I'm pretty sure that this is a girls shirt. It fits me really snugly which is OK because I'm not fat and I have a fairly well developed muscular structure. Well, as good of a muscular structure as a fully grown man that weighs 137 lbs. can have. I actually found two of these shirts at a crap store and I bought them both. I didn't want the other one bought up by some other art dude who would walk around thinking he was being super artsy by wearing a woman's exercise shirt and acting like he was secure enough to pull it off. Because that shit is just too gay.

DANG SOUTHERN STAR: You know, that dude in your town who got off his ass and started his own skateboard company and sponsored all the local rippers and got everybody stoked on making some local shit? Around here that dude's name is Stjepan Boban. I was doing all his graphics for awhile but all I came up with was guns and cacti and shit. So he fired me and hired my friend Josh who instantly came up with the best Texas skateboard graphic since "Fuck You We're From Texas." You'd think I would he bitter. And I sure fucking am.

STYLIST NEEDED: So one time I was driving down the road and I saw a Salon with a sign out in front that said "Stylist Needed." And I thought to myself, "Fuck ... you need a stylist? I NEED a stylist." So I went home and drew up a Stylist Needed shirt design. I like wearing this shirt because it's an excuse for me to look like total shit.

SKATE OR DIE: I don't even know what the hell this shirt is all about. I think it might be a band or something. The main reason I like it is because it says skate or die in pink and it has a cute little octopus on it. And I bought size small so it totally shows off my ripped abs. Oh, and I also like it because not only is it ironic, but it says Round Rock on it. And if you lived around here you'd know that Round Rock is probably the shittiest strip mall bullshit town in Texas. (Dallas excluded.)

SEGUIN ATHLETICS: Seguin is the town I grew up in. If you live there and play high school sports they give you one of these shirts. I never played on any sports teams, but I did buy one of these shirts from a sporting goods shop when I was 24. I even got them to iron a number 7 on the back of the shirt because that's what my last name means in German. For real. But if you see me, don't say, "Hey, Michael Seven ..." like you're all clever and shit. Because I already know what my last name means. Remember? I told you about three sentences ago.

... YOU WILL GO TO TEXAS: I like wearing this shirt in Texas because other Texans read it and say shit like, "Hail Yeeah Dude!" I doubt I'd wear it on vacation though. It probably wouldn't go very well with my fake French accent and my raspberry beret.

CRUISIN' DOUN LO: Are three-quarter sleeved jerseys considered t-shirts? Fuck it, I'll let it slide for this article. This is probably my favorite shirt of all times. I think I've had it for at least 10 years now. It's starting to get all thin and it has paint on it, but it's still my favorite. I'll probably wear it until it falls off my body onto the ground. I don't know why I like it so much either. I'm not really into low-riders or chrome letters or shit like that. I think what I like about it is that every time I wear it somebody stops me and says, "What does that say?" And then I get to look down at my shirt and say, "I don't know? I'm mildly retarded." And then we get to stare at each other and enjoy some quality awkward silence time.