My randy wife wants me to share her with another man...
When I told her that she had to choose between me and her other man she said she would stay with me. But within a month she was seeing him again. She now says that she can't live without him - but that she can't live without me either.
I actually find myself feeling guilty for trying to deny her the happiness she seems to regard as her right. One day she wants to go off with him, the next day she wants to stay with me and the day after that she wants the three of us to live together. She won't make up her mind who she wants and it is driving me mad. She refuses point blank to talk to a doctor or a marriage guidance counsellor.
AUncertainty causes some of the greatest pain it is possible for any human being to suffer. Waiting to find out whether or not your relationship is over and whether you have to start to rebuild your life from scratch is enormously stressful.
Your wife probably genuinely does love you both. She probably doesn't know who she wants to be with. She doesn't want anyone to get hurt. And so, like a rabbit caught in car headlights, she is frozen and unable to make a move.
I fear that the longer this goes on the worse it will be for you all. Someone has to say "enough". Someone has to be brave. Someone has to make a decision. And if your wife won't make a move then maybe you should consider making one.
Possibilities include giving her an ultimatum: going to see a solicitor and starting the divorce process. It seems to me that someone has to do something before the anger which is building up in your relationship explodes and destroys you both.
Q Your attacks and warnings about doctors are unfair and misdirected. There are many kind and hard-working men in the medical profession. I have a wonderful doctor. You should stop your attacks on doctors and use your pages to tell us of some of the wonderful things doctors have done.
A I quite agree with you that there are many kind and hard-working men in the medical profession. (And to save several thousand feminists the price of a stamp, I am happy to point out that there are also many kind and hard-working women in the medical profession). I do not believe, however, that there is any real need for me to write about the good things doctors do. I hope I can, in contrast, do some good by telling readers how they can stop their doctors killing them.
It is understandable that virtually every patient in the world believes that their doctor is the "best doctor in the world" and everyone going into hospital to have an operation believes that their surgeon is the very best there is. Naturally, no-one wants to believe that the doctor who has the control of life or death over him or her is a completely incompetent bozo.
Sadly, however, the truth is that one in six patients in hospital are there because they have been injured by a doctor and four out of 10 patients who take a drug suffer hazardous and sometimes even lethal side-effects. I shall continue to provide warnings about doctors, drugs, hospitals and drug companies. Readers who do not wish to expose themselves to unpalatable facts can, of course, continue to keep their heads buried in the sand.
QThe relationship I am in is in a rut. I would like to try oral sex but am not sure what it involves.
AAccording to the Ministry of Health's 424-page official guide on the subject (written by Dr Cilla Fane, Dr Polly Ester-Fabrique and Professor Baker Loite and published by the HM Stationery Office as reference document OS.69): "The basic principle of oral sex is that one participant should use his or her oral cavity as a replacement for that part of their body which is more normally associated with intimate pre-orgasmic sexual contact. One or both partners may use their oral cavity in this manner - either concurrently or consecutively." Naturally, as with all Government documents, there is a flaw in this publication for if both partners bring their oral cavities together the result will be a simple kiss. This could result in disappointment and possibly even a claim in the "small" (or, if you're lucky "large") claims court.
Those looking for more practical and pertinent advice can obtain a blow- by-blow account by ringing my oral sex advice line 0839 664 452 (charges as for my other Helplines).
Q I earn my living having sex with men. I call it being in the "life" but you would probably describe me as a whore or a prostitute. I often read of women like myself being described as lesbians and man-haters. I would just like you to know that this is a dangerous generalisation.
I enjoy my work. I have always liked sex and would do it a lot even if I didn't get paid. Some people may think that what I do for a living is dangerous but every occupation has its risks. One friend of mine who works in a factory lost two fingers in a machine accident and another, a taxi driver, has been beaten up by passengers on two occasions.
AThe happiest people in our society are the ones who do work which they would do as a hobby if they didn't get paid for it. It is good for people to enjoy their work. You are absolutely right to point out that every occupation carries its own hazards. The important thing is to be aware of those dangers - and to do everything you can to minimise them.
QIs it true that elephants are still being killed for their tusks?
AYes. And anyone who voted Labour at the last election is partly responsible. When I recently wrote to all MPs asking them to put pressure on the Government to keep their word to ban hunting on MoD and Forestry Commission land I sent the same letter to hundreds of animal-loving groups.
Bill Jordan, chairman of Care For The Wild International, when writing back to confirm that his organisation would write in support, pointed out that the UK abstained in the vote to lift the ban on the sale of ivory. As a result thousands of elephants will now be poached. Makes you proud of the New Labour Government, doesn't it?
IF you're looking for a good read, here are 10 of the best new books I've read so far this year:
1. Mr Nice by Howard Marks (published by Minerva). Extraordinarily gripping and charming story of a marijuana smuggler.
2. The Burglar In The Library by Lawrence Block ( No Exit Press). It's always a joy to find a great author with a huge back list. A treasure trove of happy reading to come.
3. Now All We Need Is A Title by Andre Bernard (WW Norton). Witty and educational account of how famous books got their titles.
4. Animals As Teachers And Healers by Susan Chernak McLeroy (Rider). Beautiful true stories showing how animals can enrich our lives.
5. Chomsky For Beginners by John Maher and Judy Groves (Icon). Introduction to fascinating theories.
6. Samuel Smiles by Adrian Jarvis (Sutton). Biography of a truly great Victorian.
7. Fermat's Last Theorem by Simon Singh (Fourth Estate). Maths made fun.
8. Good As Gold by Ralph Gold (Robson Books). Riveting autobiography.
9. I Am Me I Am Free by David Icke (Bridge of Love). Will surprise, startle and make you think.
10. Vivisection Unveiled by Tony Page (Jon Carpenter). Valuable, fact- packed missile aimed at the vivisection industry.
WE CAN ALWAYS PULL THE PLUG ON CYBERBRAINS
An acquaintance of mine who is a computer freak rang me up to gloat when the IBM computer beat Gary Kasparov at chess.
He claimed that the victory proved that computers are now officially brighter and cleverer than humans.
This is, of course, total cobblers. If I'd been in Kasparov's shoes I would have got up from the chess table and instantly challenged the IBM computer to a game of table tennis. Best of five. No smearing sticky substances on the bats.
When someone invents a computer that can play six games of chess, five games of table tennis and four frames of snooker and then drink a bottle of malt whisky, stand on one leg and sing three choruses of Eskimo Nell I will be impressed.
How many chess-playing computers are there which can juggle, play football or ride a bicycle? Computers are nothing more than expensive adding machines.
They are stupid and cannot even think up their own games. We have to tell them what to play and what the rules are.
How many computers do you know that can sit in the back row of a cinema and undo a bra with one hand while still holding a container full of popcorn in the other hand? And how many computers would know why they were unfastening the bra - or know what to do afterwards?
If I drink a cup of tea and then pour a cup of tea into a chess-playing computer, which one of us will still be able to play chess?
I've got a coffee grinder that can chop up beans far faster than I can. Does that make it brighter than me? I can say whatever I like about any computer. What's the computer going to do about it? Sue me? Tell its dad?
One computer beat one human at a game that is built upon mathematical probabilities. That doesn't prove anything. I've got a computer that plays chess. It beats me just about every time we play. But I've still got total control over it.
If I unplug it, the computer can't even make a single move.
THE most popular names for privately-owned small boats are: Obsession, Therapy, Seduction, Serenity and Wet Dream.
A WOMAN tried to hold up the staff of a motel in Florida with a chain saw. But it was electrically powered and the cable wasn't long enough to reach the nearest socket.
AN American arrested for robbing vending machines was given pounds 250 bail. He offered to pay in coins.
UP until 1923, if a woman committed a crime her husband was held responsible.
THE average Briton spends 10 solid years of his/her life watching TV.
WATCHING TV uses fewer calories than sleeping.
THINGS THEY SAY
MOST people will believe anything that tells against someone they dislike or flatters their self-esteem.'
- Writer Hesketh Pearson
BANNED! CENSORS WRECKED MY PHOTO SHOW
"I recently had an exhibition of my photographs at a local gallery," writes Mr T.
"I wanted to use my photographs to pass on a message. And some of the pictures I hung were, I admit, fairly controversial.
"One group of pictures were of a beauty spot which will soon disappear under concrete.
"A second set were of an abattoir where I sneaked in and took some awful shots of animals in terrible conditions.
"And a third set were of sheep crammed into a lorry bound for France. I had the idea after reading your column about the way animals are transported.
"But a few minutes before the exhibition was due to open to the public the senior administrator told me that some of my pictures would have to come down.
"Those of the abattoir, the animals in the lorry and the beauty spot would all have to go.
"She said no-one had actually complained but she felt certain they would if the pictures were allowed to remain!
"I tried to argue with her but she simply wouldn't listen. In the end I had no choice. I had to take down the pictures she didn't like.
"Have you ever heard of anything like this?"
Sadly, yes. One artist had pictures taken down after farmers and butchers complained.
A photographer had pictures removed because someone in a suit felt they might make people feel "uncomfortable".
And people organising an animal rights exhibition were told to take down photographs of animals in distress because it was felt they might upset some people.
It seems that officials everywhere are terrified of anything which might be regarded as thought- provoking.
This is probably because they themselves are quite without any functioning brain tissue.
There is no simple answer to this growing censorship. But you should continue to protest and complain bitterly to anyone who will listen.