My big fat gay scorecard. (final cut).

For the first time in memory there's a veritable flurry of folks (like me) claiming that many of this season's award-winning films are gay, gay, GAY! But how gay are they, really? Leave it to me--arbiter of all that is truly gay--to give you his own point of view with my totally unbiased, completely scientific scorecard ...

        CATEGORY                THE HOURS          Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN

Material originated                +5              No
with gay persons           (Michael Cunningham)
and/or was written
for the screen by
a gay person

Directed by a              +5 (Stephen            No
gay person                 Daldry, although
                           he's now married
                           to a woman)

Produced by                +5 (Scott Rudin)       No
gay persons

Includes a same-sex        +2 (Allison Janney     +5 (a three-way with
love/sex scene             and Meryl Streep--     a woman and mutual
                           more or less)          masturbation)

Includes a character       +2 (Allison Janney     No
who is gay and actually    and Meryl Streep--
happy about it             more or less)

Includes a character       -3 (Ed Harris)         No
who is gay and
unhappy about it--
or kills himself

Includes a character       +4 (Julianne Moore     +4 (Diego Luna
who does at least one      and Nicole Kidman)     kisses Gael Garcia
gay thing but could be                            Bernal)
teasing us

Has lots of gay people     Not to my knowledge    +3 (a lot)
seeing it more than once

         TOTAL                      20                     12

        CATEGORY             FAR FROM HEAVEN            CHICAGO

Material originated        +5 (Todd Haynes)        +8 (screenplay by
with gay persons                                   Bill Condon: bonus
and/or was written                                 points for
for the screen by                                  songwriters Kander
a gay person                                       and Ebb's gay-
                                                   adjacency)

Directed by a              +5 (Todd Haynes)        +5 (Rob Marshall)
gay person

Produced by                +5 (Christine Vachon)   +10 (Craig Zadan
gay persons                                        and Neil Meron,
                                                   national treasures)

Includes a same-sex        -2 (brief and tawdry)   +2 (no, but Queen
love/sex scene                                     Latifah's bosoms
                                                   get points)

Includes a character       No                      No
who is gay and actually
happy about it

Includes a character       -3 (Dennis Quaid)       No
who is gay and
unhappy about it--
or kills himself

Includes a character
who does at least one      No                      +2 (Richard Gere's
gay thing but could be                             tap-dancing)
teasing us

Has lots of gay people     +1 (a few)              +3 (a lot)
seeing it more than once

         TOTAL                      11                     30

WE HAVE A WINNER!

And so the Gayest Hollywood Film of 2002 is, unquestionably,
Chicago--even without the benefit of gay characters, openly gay
actors, or positive, life-affirming gay themes or role models.
And it's going to be Oscar's Best Picture too. What do you make
of that?