Mom, Dad, I'm not going away.

"Sometimes when I'm around my parents, I become a child again." As a therapist, I often hear this from clients. They feel concerned that if they do something to displease, Mom or Dad might bail out on them. I've been challenging gay and lesbian people for years not to abdicate their adulthood by caving in to fears of abandonment by parents they no longer need to survive in life. Yet the power imbalance that belongs to the early parent-child relationship persists into adulthood when the grown-up child reverts to the powerless kid at the thought of parental disapproval.

Contemplating coming out to a parent, the gay or lesbian adult--fearing

anger, punishment, or exclusion from the family fold--may back away from the disclosure or tacitly agree never to mention the G word. Thinking Mom or Dad is wedded to prejudices that will make it impossible for her or him to be accepting, the powerless kid may just give up and agree to a conspiracy of silence.

But think about what it must be like not to have any escape hatch because your parent is a public figure with an antigay agenda. The voracious media are onto your being gay, and there is no place to hide.

Take David Knight, son of gay-bashing California state senator Pete Knight, author of the upcoming ballot initiative that would ban legal recognition of same-sex marriages in California. By going public in the media as a gay man whose father has rejected him, David has outed the senator as a hypocritical betrayer of his own "family values" political stance. "A blind, uncaring, uninformed, knee-jerk reaction," he calls his father's ballot measure. David has leveled the playing field. No capitulation to the powerful father. David pushes back. No powerless kid here.

In a like situation, one wonders how the gay son of Dr. Charles Socarides came to deal with a father who for decades has been a leading advocate of homosexuality-as-pathology and who once suggested a national center for sexual rehabilitation where gays could be treated. Son Richard didn't go into hiding; he went to work in the Clinton White House as an openly gay man and became the president's very public liaison to the gay and lesbian community.

Then there is John Schlafly, eldest son of Phyllis Schlafly, the stridently antigay radical-right icon whose Eagle Forum favors punishing gay sex with imprisonment. John was outed in 1992 and then went public with being gay, demonstrating to his mother the reality of what gay journalist Michelangelo Signorile said to her on the floor of the 1996 Republican National Convention. "Run along! Shoo! Shoo!" Schlafly shouted when Signorile asked about her gay son. "Why can't you just go away?" To which Signorile firmly responded, "Phyllis, we are never going away!"

I hope that those of you who are still contemplating opening up your relationship with your parents will not be facing someone who has built a public reputation on gay bashing. It's daunting enough to have to cope with parents who reveal their homophobia at the dinner table.

Someone said once, "We are the only minority born into the enemy camp." It can certainly feel that way when a family member casually spews out antigay jokes and opinions, assuming everyone present has the same point of view. Do you sit quietly and hope no one notices your tension as you disappear further into your protective armor? Please do not do that. Please do not become a powerless kid with no voice and no presence. Think about the David Knights and Richard Socarideses of the world. Make the choice to declare who you are and challenge the enlightenment and humanity of your family member.

Many parents react to the revelation that an offspring is gay or lesbian by sexualizing the news. And just as most children don't want to think of their parents as sexual beings, most parents don't want to think of their children, even as adults, as sexual beings. So a revelation about being gay becomes uncomfortable--because homosexuality is all about sex, isn't it? Of course it's not, and that is a major reason to keep talking about your gay life in all its complexities. You can't just stop with coming out and really be understood. That is barely the beginning.

Berzon is a psychotherapist and author of Setting Them Straight: You Can Do Something About Bigotry and Homophobia in Your Life.