Miss Manners Rescues Civilization: From Sexual Harassment, Frivolous Lawsuits, Dissing and Other Lapses in Civility.

Judith Martin, using the pseudonym "Miss Manners," writes an internationally syndicated newspaper column on questions of etiquette. In this volume, using a combination of essays and answers to her Gentle Readers' questions, she philosophically and humorously examines etiquette's role in maintaining social order and advocates a return to civilized behavior.

Miss Manners uses the word "manners" to refer to the principles underlying any system of etiquette, and "etiquette" to refer to the particular rules used to express these principles. All societies have etiquette rules. Although these rules may differ widely, they all come from the same mannerly principles. For example, a universal principal is "Show respect in a house of worship." Two rules to turn this into an action, equally valid under the appropriate circumstances, but directly opposite to each other are:

1. A gentleman must take off his hat in church.

2. A gentleman must wear a hat in a synagogue (unless it's a reform synagogue).

If one wants to show good manners one needs to practice correct etiquette (which Miss Manners advises she will teach you if you read her book).

We are informed that the application of etiquette can overcome our national overwillingness to use the legal system to correct an ever increasing list of societal offenses. Such recourse to legal redress clutters the courts and causes legislatures to pass laws that prove ineffective and costly to enforce. Miss Manners also explores the etiquette component at the root of such topical issues as date rape, the burning of the American flag, sexual harassment, and etiquette on the Internet (netiquette).

Miss Manners is not perfect. She admits she has never found an effective etiquette solution for a satisfactory name for the other person in an unmarried couple.

" 'Sweetheart' or 'lover' invites people to peek into your intimate side. 'Companion' is not really right. 'Significant other' is ridiculous. 'Consort' sounds like Prince Philip walking three steps behind. Nor should it mean something else, like 'partner' or 'roommate.' And I just don't see 'POSSLQ' (A term a Census Bureau spokesman coined in the 1970s meaning 'partner of the opposite sex sharing living quarters')."

Miss Manners cautions that etiquette, despite its simplistic reputation of being "just a matter of common sense," or "always making other people feel comfortable," is a complicated discipline. Even common sense can get you into etiquette trouble if you try to interpret convention (such as the statement "Call me any time") at face value. Context and motivation must be factored into the application of any given rule.