Minding the Close Relationship: A Theory of Relationship Enhancement.

WHY MINDING MATTERS

Minding the Close Relationship: A Theory of Relationship Enhancement. By John H. Harvey and Julia Omarzu. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press, 1999, 225 pages. Cloth, $39.95.

Reviewed by Kathryn N. Black, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus, Purdue University, 23295 Grayshire Lane, Lake Barrington, IL 60010.

This book is an extension of a review article written by John H. Harvey, a social psychologist at the University of Iowa who does research and teaching in the area of close relationships, and Julia Omarzu (1997), also in social psychology at Iowa. The book consists of twelve chapters. While primarily written for fellow professionals, the authors suggest that it is suitable as a supplementary textbook for either undergraduate or graduate courses which are concerned with committed relationships. Chapter 1 describes how they became interested in the topic of close relationship maintenance and relationship enhancement. While most of their discussion and examples concern heterosexual relationships, they believe that the proposed system also is applicable to romantic same-sex relationships and, probably, to close personal friendships.

Chapter 2 introduces their concept of minding, which is defined as "a reciprocal knowing process that occurs non-stop throughout the history of the relationship and that involves a complex package of interrelated thoughts, feelings and behaviors" (p. 11). They describe five specific components of minding. Knowing one's partner includes not only the already obtained knowledge but motivation and actions to continue to find out about and understand the other. They suggest for their second component that relationship-enhancing attributions are those that tend to attribute positive behaviors of the partner to dispositional causes within the individual, and attribute negative behaviors of the partner to external causes. Next, "In well-minded relationships, there will be respect and acceptance for what is discovered about a partner" (p. 15). They suggest that the ideal search for knowledge about a potential partner should reveal serious conflicts or flaws early in a relationship and not after making a commitment. The fourth component reciprocity, refers to the fact that "Minding involves reciprocity in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors between partners" (p. 16). The final component of continuity over time refers both to the need for a substantial period of time to establish the aspects of minding in a given relationship and to the necessity for this process to continue throughout the life of the relationship. The next three chapters consider in more detail the five components and how these relate to, or are exemplified by, other psychological concepts. For example, the chapter "Knowing and Being Known by One's Partner" considers the literature on self-disclosure and refers to James Pennbaker's work on the importance of self-disclosure for health. There is also discussion of individual differences including such matters as preferences or use of verbal as compared to nonverbal communication.

Chapter 6 considers the possible use of minding in the beginning or ending of relationships, times when there often is not the kind of mutuality that is involved in the ongoing and successful relationship. Chapters 7 and 8 examine mainstream concepts to see how they either support or bring into question the authors' minding concept. They consider a variety of concepts including scripts, intimacy, peer marriage, closeness, and love. Even readers not familiar with social psychology literature would recognize names such as Pepper Schwartz, Victor Frankl, and Aaron Beck. Somewhat surprisingly, in neither the discussion of intimacy nor the various conceptions of love was there a mention of the three-part system proposed by Sternberg (1986). Sternberg's work is frequently discussed in textbooks on human sexuality, and JSR readers may consider it a surprising omission. I also found it unusual that the primary discussion of what is involved in a successful marital relationship was based on a book by Wallerstein and Blakeslee (1995) which summarized findings from interviews with fifty volunteer couples in California.

Chapters 9 and 10 provide new information related to the concept of minding. Chapter 9 reports three studies of college undergraduates, a population easily accessible to the authors, using a questionnaire method. The research could well be considered preliminary but seems to support the usefulness of their ideas, as couples who reported higher levels of minding, as measured by an instrument devised by the investigators, also reported higher satisfaction with their relationships. Chapter 10 resulted from the first author's observations while a Fulbright Research Scholar in Romania, and might be categorized as a combination sociological and case study approach. Romania is in considerable flux politically and its citizens are, for the most part, poor, regardless of their level of education. Harvey concluded that the usefulness of the concept of minding, in fact, the occurrence of minding behaviors themselves, may depend upon the existence of a middle-class which has enough money to enable them to have the time to pursue relationships as conceived here. This, of course, reminds us of Maslow's hierarchy which posited, decades ago, that issues of physical survival are primary. One might also make the argument, as did Jamieson (1999), that with the existence of cultures or situations in which there is not gender equity, there are limitations to the possibility of forms of intimacy in which there is mutual disclosure and trust.

Chapter 11 deals with minding in couples therapy and counseling. There are five major references here. Three of them are popular works: an article in Psychology Today, an advice book for single adults, and a popular book on soul mates. The authors also consider one research article on marital satisfaction and some of John Gottman's work. There was no mention of David Schnarch, although my colleagues tell me that his work is a major influence in marriage therapy (e.g. Schnarch, 1998). This may exemplify the fact that different disciplines often are not aware of one another even though the content overlaps. It seems likely that this omission did occur inadvertently, because the authors clearly state that they believe they are the first to deal in depth with committed relationships over time, and certainly Schnarch has already done this. This chapter is the weakest one in the book.

The last chapter reminded me of the usual discussion section of dissertations, as it included a brief discussion of limitations and future directions. Future directions primarily consisted of offering additional areas (e.g., metacognition, folk psychology) in which one might work out a bridge with the minding concept. The limitations section appropriately suggested that one question is whether a relationship will last even if minding is being done by both partners. One of the unanswered questions that the authors have overlooked concerns the role of lust/desire/sexuality in romantic relationships, although in chapter two they briefly note that passion deserves attention as one element which may lead to strong relationship bonds. However, there is little consideration of sexuality per se in this book. There is a brief mention of Buss's argument that for evolutionary reasons men and women would react differently if their mates had other sexual partners. And there are several pages devoted to the issues of sexuality and self-disclosure as an example of knowing one's partner. They suggest that sexuality is important in the area of knowing one another for the following reasons. Sexual acts may be conceived as self-disclosure and as a part of relationships that requires good communication. Sexuality is also important not just because of the pleasure that may arise from it but because it is seen as affirming a relationship.

The strength of this book exists in its explication of the original conception of minding. As is apparent from the definition and my discussion of their chapters, this concept is multifaceted. As the authors indicate, their approach does not emphasize the ambiguous concept of the emotion of love, but rather what may be necessary--if not sufficient--cognitively and behaviorally to maintain feelings of closeness and a successful, ongoing relationship. Those who wish to know more about the role of sexuality in long-term relationships, or who wish to have explicit suggestions about how minding may be applied to troubled relationships, will need to look elsewhere.

REFERENCES

Harvey, J. H., & Omarzu, J. (1997). Minding the close relationship. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 1, 223-239.

Jamieson, L. (1999). Intimacy transformed? A critical look at the `pure relationship'. Sociology, 33, 477-494.

Schnarch, D. (1998). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. New York: Henry Holt.

Sternberg, R. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135.

Wallerstein, J., & Blakeslee, S. (1995). The good marriage. New York: Warner.