Mending broken dreams: how to keep your head when an emotional crisis hits.

June's husband committed adultery on one of his business trips. When June found out she became distraught. Conflict arose in the family, and communication broke down. Within three months the marriage ended in a nasty divorce.

"I went through the emotional wringer for a year," June says. "Overnight the loss of our joint salary changed my lifestyle from middle class comfort to poverty. I couldn't sleep at night. I suffered unbearable headaches. My health began to fail. I gained 30 pounds, made gross errors at work, and was placed on six months' probation.

"I felt lonely and rejected, and my self-image hit bottom. In my loneliness and search for companionship, I went through lovers who used and rejected me. This compounded my sense of rejection. I became obsessed with self-pity. And in my grief I neglected my 14-year-old daughter. She was upset with my new lifestyle and the unstable family relationships.

"My life was falling apart, and I became bitter. I started to criticize my church and avoided any contact with church members."

The other sad part of the story is that Bob, June's husband, suffered in a similar manner. "I knew I had made a mistake," says Bob. "I wanted to ask for forgiveness, but June was too angry to communicate with me. I moved out of the house and shortly thereafter divorced."

During an emotional crisis people tend to behave in a manner that creates self-inflicted hardships. Under severe stress we are likely to engage in self-doubt, make poor choices, feel rejected, get discouraged, and isolate ourselves. What can you do to prepare yourself to react more positively when an emotional crisis arises?

1. Keep communication open and ongoing. Some years ago I interviewed 300 teenagers who had run away at least once. Eighty-two percent said they would not have left home if their parents had listened and communicated with them.

Talking to someone about our problems promotes mental health. Expressing our frustrations serves to filter out anger, preventing it from building up. Expressing ourselves helps us to define our feelings, which in turn serves to mend broken relationships gradually.

2. Cope by staying focused. Stress, anger, and depression tend to make us negative and block our ability to reason and stay focused. When Jason was 18 years old, he was smoking, doing drugs, and failing in school. His parents could not handle their hurt and embarrassment, and his father asked him to leave the house. Jason left and has since resented his father bitterly.

After 10 years Jason and his father are still at war. They have not found happiness, because they won't permit forgiveness and healing.

After a trauma it's wise to wait a year or two before making life-changing decisions. For example, after Mary's husband died from cancer, she waited two years before deciding to date again. "I wanted time to heal and to make sure I was thinking clearly."

Here's one person's strategy for coping: "I coped with my past by wrapping my bad memories in little imaginary boxes that I store on my memory shelf. I know what's in those boxes, so I do not need to look in them again and again. On the outside, my friends see a nicely wrapped box to be admired. The wrappings distract them from wanting to know what's on the inside."

3. Get involved in a support group and accept help. Losing face makes us want to isolate ourselves from our church, family, and friends. But when you're down and out, that's when you need others to lift you up.

Julie was seriously injured on the job and could no longer work. Without insurance, she and her husband were unable to finish the home they were building. They also had to take their children out of private school. Family and friends wanted to help and offered to pay for supplies to finish the house. Another family in the church offered to pay for their children's tuition.

At first Bob was reluctant to accept help. His ego and pride got in the way. He felt that accepting help was being a burder meant he was not a provider for his far.

With encouragement and support, each of these individuals accepted the help that allowed them to overcome the emergency.

4. Get professional help early and stay with it. A counselor might not be able to solve your problems, but he or she can certainly help you define, understand, and cope with them. Distraught persons need focus more than they need solutions. Harry was experiencing a business setback. He felt he had to declare bankruptcy, something he felt would be devastating to his ego and reputation. In counseling I told him to consider that his creditors wanted him to stay in business. He began to see the problem differently and was pleasantly surprised when, at his request, all his creditors extended his credit line. This allowed him to adjust his monthly payments and maintain his business.

5. Trust in the Lord and take Him at His promises. When I was a child, my family didn't have money to pay my boarding school expenses. So I had to work hard. During one of those long dry spells without much money, I felt lonely and discouraged. Things brightened up when I received a certified letter from my mother, my source of encouragement. With optimism and delight, I opened the letter. But to my disappointment I found no money in the envelope. In disgust I threw the letter down, and for a moment indulged in self-pity.

When I recovered I picked up the letter and read the words written across the top in my mother's familiar handwriting. "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be a aid, do not be discouraged" (Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV). It's been many years since my mother sent me God's words of encouragement instead of money. Since that time, in periods of discouragement, I have repeatedly claimed God's promise to Joshua.

A person who feels discourage and depressed is vulnerable to self-destructive behaviors. God has given us the power to lift ourselves out of anger, discouragement, and resentment.

Dr. Blondel Senior is a licensed professional counselor, charter member of the American Association of Christian Counselors, certified instructor in Nonviolent Crisis Intervention, and director of Advent Home, a residential treatment center for dysfunctional boys. Dr. Senior conducts Family Intervention Seminars designed to help families deal with crises. To learn more about upcoming seminars, call 1-800-309-LOVE.