Meeting with remarkable academics: the Te Henga Section of the Nurses' Marxist Union has launched its Winter Series of Lectures. Education is the theme and the opening lecture was delivered by a remarkable academic.

'A senior lecturer speaks and the earth trembles. " Old Nursing Proverb. Senior Lecturer Gertrude Steen came to the Te Henga Section of the Marxist Nurses' Union to offer the first in our Winter Series (theme: Education). Our first lecture was titled: "A full account of the hideous and unfortunate nature of past efforts to train undergraduate nurses."

Our next one, which I personally am really looking forward to, is: "Educational Satori: The ineluctable satisfaction of our present nursing education system."

Gert's talk was one of the wonders of the world. It combined the intellectural incisiveness of the Reith Lectures with the wit of The Aristocrats and the entertainment value of The Purple Onion Cabaret. Unfortunately I didn't catch much of it, being asleep at the time.

However, Comrades Pat the PSA Rep and Louise the Lecturer said it was "really good". They said that during the lecture, Olga the Intern apparently became afflicted by an irritant. She seemed to move about in her chair quite a lot.

Finally, Gert finished. Instead of joining us for the usual libation, she said she had a headache and needed to lie down. Olga went with her to make sure she was alright (what a great nurse our Olga is!--they do train them well in Polytechs these days). Gert's headache obviously hadn't come fight by 3am, so we all left the flat quietly. Some of us had day shifts to see to. Pat and Louise reported on Gert's paper. As far as I remember, this is what they said.

'A murky and desolate place'

Gert said that the past was a murky and desolate place. Nurses had to gain registration through an abusive and exploitative system--[here she paused for effect] the Apprenticeship System! She spat the words out with such vehemence and force that Pat and Louise were still cleaning their glasses two hours afterwards. Pat (who is a bit of an extremist, I admit--sort of a one-man Hezbollah) asked what was wrong with being an apprentice?

This threw Gert into a bout of minor apoplexy. "What is wrong with it?!" she said (I do like putting question and exclamation marks together--and self-referential comments like this are so post-modern, don't you think?!)

Back to Gert--"What's wrong with it?!' She said, 'It's the Apprenticeship System!"

More glasses' cleaning.

"Yes but ..." Pat said, getting no further. "Listen to me", Gert said, "and get it straight. The Apprenticeship System was wrong because it was the Apprenticeship System. Got it?!"

Pat retired from the field of battle for a bit of a clean up.

Gert was also appalled and affronted by the ghastly thought that student nurses actually had to do things. "Good Goddess Almighty!" she said, "These poor girls had to do things like take people for showers. They had to clean up messes and help give out food! They were even expected to turn up to work on time! Can you imagine!? (the old double question and exclamation marks again).

Louise said something silly about the dignity of labour and recalling that she was paid during her training.

Gert turned on her with a positive shower. She said this was missing the point. Darling, sweet and vulnerable students shouldn't have to do things. This stood in the way of the appreciation of concepts and ideas, and the formulation of academic constructs and the critical appreciation of theoretical architectures.

"How can you see the true beauty of Rosemary Rizzo Parse's theory of being real when you're up to your elbows in ordure!?" she asked.

Gert's next point was that student nurses used to be taught on the wards by nurses. "By nurses?! Holy Hera! They picked up all sorts of nonsense, learnt all sorts of bad habits. Some of these nurses meant well but how could the poor things be expected to provide good training, not having a scrap of education themselves?! How all those students graduated is a complete mystery."

Gert went on to say that compared with these past horrors, today's system is an absolute marvel--the curriculum being so modern and responsive. Why, just last month the Polytech had dropped the classes in "Photography: A Nursing Perspective" from the gerontological paper. "How contemporary is that?!" she asked. Phil from forensics came in here. He asked something about outcome measurement and was there any research showing that today's system was any better than what went before?

Gert sort of puffed up here. She demanded to know what qualifications Phil had. Phil said he had a nursing registration and a Masters in Research Methodology.

"Ah, yes" said Gert, "but do you have a Doctorate?" "No".

"Then", said Gert (and while she said this in a gently empathetic way, apparently there was a rather triumphant edge to this comment), "you are inadequately educationally prepared to ask such a question. Please ensure your academic qualifications match the intellectual ambition of your inquiry."

I think it was the effort put into this fabulous phrase that gave Gert the headache.

It's great that academics are prepared to share so generously of their time to help us ordinary nurses to enhanced understanding of history: don't you think?

* Some cynics say Post Modernism (referred to briefly above) is an excuse to do anything you want to, in the name of ideology. I'd like to comment, but that would be to impose a constricting paradigm on your constructed consciousness.

* See your newspapers for objective and evidenced-based information about Hezbollah [also mentioned above].

* And do please go to see The Aristocrats.

Chris Cottingham, RN, BA, MEd, DipSocSci, is a staff nurse at Moko Services, Maori Mental Health, Waitemata District Health Board. In his spare time, he writes a bi-monthly column of alternative (sometimes amusing or irreverent but always challenging) musings on our profession.