Meat for Jesus.

OUR STORY SO FAR: MR. LESBIAN (MY SPOUSE, PATRICIA, CHRISTENED thus by Howard Stem after a particularly brutal on-air drubbing) is in her third year of law school. In an ill-advised move, our state supreme court has granted her a provisional license to practice under supervision for one year. Now a letter has arrived asking her to choose her first case. "Multiple choice?" I ask. "Yep, one from column A and one from column B," she replies, glancing through the papers. "I need to choose a specialty anyway, so let me run some by you." I sit down to await our justice system at work.

"Ahem. Contract Law: nonpayment of rent. Eviction pending. Poor thing, she's been living on disability and welfare...but she has a $900-a-month cellular bill, a $350 car payment, and a brand-new 36-inch TV. Wonder why she can't pay the rent? `I have three kids, herpes, and a bad attitude' is what she told the clinic interviewer. Won't pay on time because she `objects to the rental contract's arbitrary assignment of the 15th of each month; would prefer to set the date herself.' Gosh, someone like this makes me want to go, `My client, Judge? Guilty. Lock her up.'

"Let's try Constitutional Law--some guy's neighbor is suing for the right to keep snakes in his yard and let them out to exercise every afternoon." "Where's the problem?" I ask. "It's his yard, right?" "Apparently they scare the neighbor's pigs...wait, there's another suit attached...he also wants the right to use food stamps to buy mice for his snakes; says it's a violation of his civil rights otherwise!" We both chuckle. "On what grounds?" I wonder. "Since he's agoraphobic and the snakes are his only contact with other living creatures, their death by starvation would be a violation of his constitutional right to enjoy life. Pass!

"Corporate Law? Nah, too many dicks--and none as big as mine. Maybe a custody case." I object--they don't pay if they lose. "But here's a good one: `Lesbian mother has become progressively more antimale since her daughter's birth, now believes in total separation of the sexes; she's also a heroin addict, maintaining that as long as she's functional, it's her right to do as she likes with her body. Husband recently joined Promise Keepers, complains wife won't do as he ordered since embracing this new lifestyle, protests that the child is being encouraged to dance and sing, even on Sundays. Each says the other is poisoning the child's mind; both want custody.' "She looks pained. "Anarchy is the only sane response to people like this. I'd donate the child to a local zoo; that's about all she'll be good for if she grows up in this atmosphere. Pass."

I'm getting discouraged; what if she can't find a specialty? "I could always work for the public defender--they're desperate enough to take anybody. Most of these people are so stupid that they need a lawyer just to protect them from themselves--like that guy I met who had his license revoked on a DUI and was jailed for nonpayment of child support. He finally got a job--driving a tractor. When I asked how he would do that without a license, he assured me the job was `deep in the woods' where no one would see." I grimaced. "Still, the more I study, the more I think the courts are wrong. wrong. Some people just don't deserve legal representation, like child molesters. To me, they lose all rights the minute they touch a kid." I found it hard to disagree; I've always thought child molesters, who have no cure rate, should have their arms and legs cut off and then be used for touch football.

Reading on, she cries, "Here it is! Criminal Defense: shoplifting, battery, aggravated assault. What a great case!" Her cheeks were actually pink with excitement. "It's gorgeous: She entered a grocery store, walked to the meat department, and stuffed six frozen legs of lamb under her winter coat. No one noticed." "How'd they catch her, then?" I said. "It was August...they demanded she remove the coat; she bit the store manager and gave him an `unnecessary tracheotomy.' Then she beat the arresting cop with a frozen leg, causing a concussion." And giving new meaning to the phrase "beat the meat," I thought. "But the best part is her defense. She says she was stealing the meat so she could `sell it and buy a Christmas tree to teach her child the meaning behind the birth of little Lord Jesus.' I've got to take it. I just know I can win."

Or as Mr. Lesbian says: "Finally, a case I can sink my teeth into." And that about sums it up.