McKenna: ON A MONDAY; TIME FOR PEACE TO ALL MEN .. and silent nights with the girls.

Byline: STEVE McKENNA 

MANY Christians say that Christmas is too commercial - no! I say consumerism brings us closer to God and some Christians have forgotten the true meaning of tacky decorations and getting drunk as a skunk.

The 116ft of rope lighting round my house, together with the neon sledge, electric elves and halogen security star of Bethlehem remind me of the light He brought into the world.

The two turkeys, four gateaux and extra-large M&S Christmas hamper represent His enormous appetite for love. When full of the Christmas spirits, I speak in tongues and believe I can walk on water. Depending on what I have been drinking, I have also been known to turn wine into water.

The following day's hangover is a timely reminder that He raised himself from the dead.

The advice I give to all males who want a better understanding of the true meaning of Christmas is this:

Celebrate as outrageously as you can and the silent treatment you receive from all female members of your family over the following days will provide the greatest reminder of what Christmas is all about - peace to all men.

IT was great travelling home to see my loved ones this weekend. I got such a fantastic welcome at Lulu's lap- dancing bar it was difficult to then go on and see my family.

As soon as I got on the road, I discovered it was doubly difficult because, like thousands of other Scots, I'd been caught in fog and rain.

I could barely see for the fog, my rear end was all over the place because of the damp patches and eventually I skidded, crashing into someone's garden.

I was glad I was on foot - otherwise I'd have done some serious damage.

Christmas is always a dangerous time of year for me as I'm dyslexic and if I have too much to drink I could pass out and choke on my own Vimto.

So I'll be taking it easy this year, and just like the family, who last week snapped up a bargain pounds 300,000 refurbished fortress in East Kilbride, the McKenna clan will be living it up in our newly-acquired castle.

Do spare a thought for me, though. Not only is it going to be cold but the noisy generator has to be kept on all night just to keep it inflated.

If I don't see you before the bells, you can see me on BBC2 at 11.40pm on 27th, 28th and 29th. I'll be the guy who has sneakily managed to get a copy of the Daily Record into all of the three programmes.

All the best.

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Only bars Kaish will see are in a jail cell

IT'S not very often I praise a pop star for setting a good example to fans, but 10 out of 10 to So Solid Crew's Kaish. Hey kids, how cool would it be to get charged with possession of a gun and dealing a class- A drug?

Cool enough to get you banged up in jail for Christmas. Cool enough to potentially see you swapping some of the coolest clubs and bars around the world for a set of bars that'll keep you away from the world. Never mind Kaish, it'll probably just be a case of "20 months to go".

Trial had an unfair climax ..

I FELT so sorry for 19-year-old Jody Hitchings, who was fined pounds 1000 for disturbing her neighbours by screaming very loudly during sex.

I can't imagine her embarrassment when the police turned up and asked her if she was going to come quietly.

They reported in court that she repeatedly shouted `Oh, Graham'.

Now if I was Graham, I'd have been in court wearing a big T-shirt with my name on it. But surely Graham should have been charged, too. After all, it takes two to tango.

Isn't it possible Jody's just an innocent, ordinary girl, but Graham's a black belt, fifth Dan, Kama Sutra.

He should give himself up at his nearest police station.

Speaking as a man who has on numerous occasions brought women to an anti-climax, I think it would be fantastic to be charged with `inciting excitement' or `inducing ecstasy'. I'm sure Graham would feel the same.

It's time our legal system realised that sex alone isn't to blame for this type of crime.

Because I'm sure Jody wouldn't have been half as noisy if she'd been alone.

No Claus for concern

I'VE got a great deal of sympathy for the minister who had to apologise after saying Santa Claus didn't exist.

Why should a man of God have blind faith in some all-powerful magical being who has love for all men and ultimately sits in judgment of them, deciding if they've been bad or good?

Ryder's ad deal Saks

SHOPLIFTING Hollywood star Winona Ryder looks likely to sign a deal with one of the clothing labels she tried to nick from Saks Fifth Avenue.

The actress was convicted of trying to steal a pounds 500 Marc Jacobs top and now he's trying to sign her up to spearhead an advertising campaign.

This is a very dangerous move and could encourage celebrities to commit crime so that they can land a pay packet and enjoy the publicity it brings.

Britney Spears has just lost her deal with a cola company. Perhaps if she went out drink driving, Volvo would see an opportunity to highlight their cars' safety record.

It's madness. What's the next step? Drug barons fighting to sign up Danniella Westbrook as a spokesperson?