Matt Mumford: "a hooligan on a skateboard".

What the hell is a hoon?

Oh shit. I thought you were starting off with the easy questions? Yes, well, the easiest way I can explain it to you Americans is--it's like a hooligan.

You understand what a hooligan is?

Yeah.

A hoon is basically a hooligan on a skateboard. If you were to say, "We're going hooning," it means you're going out, you're going to drink a bunch of piss and you're going to skate your balls off ... sleep in a tent--sleep in your own puke, maybe. Pretty much anything can happen.

So it's an alcoholic skating camping trip?

Pretty much.

Who would be on the dream hoon run?

Currie, number one.

The legendary skater from Australia, Andrew Currie?

Yeah, he's pretty much the founder. We'd have to put Lee Ralph on there. Who else? Some of the originators, Al Boglio would have to go. Dorfus. Bartie, if he's up for drinking. Maybe a bunch of young men like Shane and Jake, maybe Pease. Drehobl and Childress would be great, too. A bunch of dudes.

Who's the finest drunk skater? Who shreds the hardest while in the bag?

I know it wouldn't be me. I tend to break my head open. Maybe Jake Duncombe, and I know Dustin puts in a good performance when he's on the piss.

You know what? I've seen Childress put in a good performance on the piss, too.

What's your first thought after you realize you've hit your head?

I'm more worried about how big the gash is; I'm more worried about scarring. I've done it a few times, but the first one was that Zero ad. That one recently at Pizzey, the gash was right next to it.

Have you noticed any permanent damage?

Yeah, but not from hitting my head. I know your Australia slang has been a big hit with all the skaters, but there's one saying that I don't think we've been over. What is "getting chocky?"

Well, that kind of goes way back when we were kids. The most tech guys out there in the skate world were the Chocolate team. They were the most tech skaters. Everyone's technical now, but back then they were the most tech. So if you were getting chocky, you were getting technical, getting a bit Chocolate. We Australians always abbreviate everything, so if we got tech, we called it getting chocky. So anytime I flip my board, I say I'm getting chocky.

Do the newer Australian skaters like Shane and Jake give you the respect you deserve?

No, those little fuckers! And they need to! You know what's beauty about that is that with Shane I met him through Jamie Bartie, and he ended up getting on Legacy and I became friends with him through that. With Jake Duncombe, I just met him on a random night out on the town, and as soon as I met him he punched me in the face. After that we were immediate friends.

Why did they split from your house and go stay at the Bartie's? Are you a strict disciplinarian?

We'd joke about the chores they had to do like mow the lawn and wash the Harley, but that was never the truth. I don't know. A couple drunken nights and they were out of there.

Did they get scared?

They might have been scared. But look at me] I'm just a big teddy bear.

Have you seen much strange behavior out of those two? Any behavior that could be described as gay shit?

Yeah. I have seen that sort of stuff. Not with Jake, but I have seen and heard stuff with Shane that could be described as very close to the gay lifestyle. At first I was very concerned. We all were. I thought we might have to have a little sit down with him, but apparently that's the new punk. Pretending to be gay is the new punk. Apparently all the young men are doing it.

I know amongst your friends it's a custom to put a ban on people or businesses. What are some of the greatest bans of all time?

Well, I put a ban on this pizza shop one time. And to this day it's the most outstanding ban I've ever thrown. It went on for years. Maybe it didn't affect them at all, but that was a pretty good one for myself. I think I put a ban on my own bar for a while, but I couldn't let that roll. That was impossible. I had to go back there.

Are there any permanent bans?

I had a ban out on Joe Pease that was supposed to be permanent. I couldn't keep that up, though. I couldn't ban him for life. I felt bad.

What does someone need to know to skate the Washington Street park? Is it true the locals throw things at you?

If you go down there and mind your own business and skate, it's going to be cool. I think it might have been worse in the beginning. Every time I go down there it's cool. Everyone down there is cool and it's a good time. I think that stuff might be more rumors than anything.

What's your favorite obstacle down there?

The small wall with the love seat is pretty cool. There's lots of good stuff down there. How did you avoid those Black Label team cuts?

I pulled the lucky card, I guess. Yeah, I don't know. A lot of those guys are my friends. Nobody even knew about those cuts. Were there any guys you were especially sad to see go?

Oh sure. Gilley, Svitak, and Ponts are friends of mine. Everything's cool, though. Ponts is on Creature and Gilley's on Zero. Kristian's got his own deal now. They ended up taken care of. Shit happens, I guess.

Describe Chet Childress for someone who's never met him.

Ol' Dirty Crooks. He's completely outrageous. Very unique. The Crookinator is basically one of the raddest people I've ever met in my life.

What does your dad say about your hair?

Apparently he doesn't like it much. It's a big joke in the family. How long have I had a bald head? Forever. Since, like, '97. But every time I see him he always says, "Why don't you grow your hair? You've got lovely blond hair." That's what he says. Maybe I still can. Probably not, though.

What is Castle Baldor?

It's a place those young men told me about. It's a magical place where all the bald people live. Apparently I'm the king. That's what Jake and Shane tell me.

Have you ever been on a 'roo hunt?

Yes, I have, as a matter of fact. When I was 14 my uncle was a kangaroo shooter out West. It used to be legal to shoot kangaroos for a living, because you could sell the skin and you could sell the meat for dog food, stuff like that. You drive out at dusk and you drive all night through the scrub--through the outback of Australia, as cheesy as that might sound. You drive off road, not even on a dirt road--I'm talking in the bush. You have a truck with a spotlight and you shine it at kangaroos and they completely freeze. And then the rest is history. The funny part of this story was that the night I went we only had two tapes in the truck. We had Madonna True Blue and we had Cyndi Lauper She's So Unusual. It was two dudes, out all night shooting kangaroos, listening to those two tapes in non-stop rotation. Imagine that, Madonna serenading a kangaroo to its death.

Why did Legacy go out of business so fast?

I don't know. I think we pumped too much money into it in the beginning. In the end, I had no control over its demise. All I did was the best I could with it. I'd never done anything like that before and Legacy was my crash course in running a company. I did my best. A lot of things were out of my control--but I'm not saying it wasn't my fault. It got run into the ground.

Would you do it again?

Yeah, I think I would. If the timing was right and I had the right people. I thought Legacy had a great team. I just think the mechanics weren't quite right. You can't just have a great team and great graphics. There are a lot of other factors.

What's the best way to get a woman into a hot tub?

That's a hard question.

Yes, but you know the answer.

I don't know. Women really like hot tubs. That's why I bought mine. I know you daydream about it from time to time, but what are you going to do when Chad Bartie gets fat?

I'm going to tell him I told him so. And I'm going to laugh my ass off. He's going to be way fatter than me. Oh, he's going to be an FC! I can't wait.