Marriage reflection. (Odds & Ends).

Not been invited to many June weddings in the last several years? Don't feel bad. What once was the most popular month of the year for weddings--June--is not any longer. Early autumn weddings are now in vogue; September and October top the list.

This is just one item of interest from Kathy Heskin's new book, Marriage: a Spiritual Journey (Twenty-Third). I'm no expert on marriage, but I do know a good book when I read one. Heskin begins with a story. A friend once asked her, "You're not the kind that cries at weddings, are you?" Her reply: "I not only cry at weddings, I cry when I'm in my car and an unknown wedding party drives by honking."

But don't let this fool you. This book is not a mush of sentimentality nor a puddle of saccharin spirituality. Yet there are moments in the book that I suspect will move many readers to tears.

Heskin met her husband, Neil, while in college at Georgetown University. Their first date, spur of the moment, was a 2-mile stroll to the Washington Monument. They were classmates of William Jefferson Clinton. They knew he would become president some day. What they did not know at that time was how their future marriage would both be challenged and eventually blessed by personality differences, job changes, and graduate school. Nor did they suspect the blessings of starting a business, Earthen Vessels (a Christian bookstore), their ongoing participation in Marriage Encounter, or that raising three sons would be so challenging.

These are some of the things that are so opaquely alluded to in the old rite of Catholic marriage when the presiding witness says, "(The) future, with its hopes and disappointments, its successes and its failures, its pleasures and its pain, its joys and its sorrows, is hidden from your eyes." Truer words were never spoken.

Heskin writes about marriage not as a single event but as an ongoing process. And that process keeps getting longer. A century ago, when people died at a much younger age, the average marriage lasted little more than a decade. Today golden anniversary cards are brisk business. Heskin's approach to marriage embraces this long-range perspective.

Her book therefore avoids quick fixes. It neither lists steps to a successful marriage nor does it put forth cookbook recipes for solving marital problems. Rather, the author writes passionately about reflective behavior: learning how to reflect on life's experiences, learning how to disagree reflectively, and learning how theology contributes to reflective behavior.

Heskin's own marriage came close to an early divorce. Once she and her husband realized the high cost of a divorce, they decided to spend the money on a European sojourn instead. Luckily for them, amid the galleries and museums on the continent, they discovered the art of reflective behavior. "We began to try to appreciate our differences." An alabaster statue of The Kiss purchased on that trip has permanently resided in their bedroom, a poignant reminder of a saving grace.

Heskin, who cries at the sight of a wedding party, also prays a prayer of thanks every time she sees the Washington Monument in the background during national newscasts. Their 34-year marriage, now blessed and challenged with yet more things hidden from their eyes on their wedding day, continues.

Check out Marriage: A Spiritual Journey when the autumn wedding invitations start arriving in your mailbox later this summer.

PETER GILMOUR ([e-mail]) teaches at the Institute of Pastoral Studies of Loyola University Chicago.