Marriage on his mind: longtime crusader Evan Wolfson sets out to win same-sex marriage rights within five years. (Pride 2003).

On a crumpled sliver of paper carried in his wallet, firebrand activist Evan Wolfson keeps a photocopied reminder of why he is so tenacious in pursuing the brand of uncompromising activism that has become his signature. It's a quote from abolitionist Frederick Douglass:

"Those who profess freedom and yet deprecate agitation are people who want crops without plowing the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and never will. People might not get all they work for in this world, but they certainly must work for all they get."

For Wolfson, this quote is not just an inspirational mantra. It has become his credo as well as the guiding principle he believes will most quickly lead gay men and lesbians to gain full marriage rights--not some second-class simulation, like civil unions or domestic partnership, but fun marriage.

Armed with this battle cry and personal zeal, Wolfson in January launched Freedom to Marry, an organization with the mission of securing full marriage rights for gay people in at least one state within five years. This, Wolfson believes, is the best perch from which to attack and eventually end marriage discrimination nationwide. But, perhaps more importantly, he argues that "marriage is about more than tying the knot. It is about our full inclusion in society and is the platform for discussion by nongay people of who we are."

Wolfson is careful to say that families without legal recognition still deserve respect. And he knows that even if gay people do win the right to marry, not every committed same-sex couple will want to go down the aisle. But he insists that "because marriage is so central--legally, socially, and economically--in our society, everything we care about [in the gay and lesbian civil rights movement] is being tugged forward by the marriage debate."

If Wolfson is dogmatic about marriage, he is also surprisingly optimistic. "We are on the verge of winning," he declares. And he is not just talking about the promising case now before the Massachusetts supreme court, which is expected to rule on marital rights for same-sex couples sometime this summer. "Courts are considering it, legislatures are debating it, presidential candidates are talking about it, and the public is getting used to it," he says. "We are in a historic moment."

Of course, critics might say Wolfson paints an overly generous portrait. After all, in the states where courts have ruled in favor of equal marriage rights, legislatures have successfully blocked them. The national Defense of Marriage Act expressly prohibits federal government recognition of marriages between same-sex couples, and more than 30 states have passed similar laws. And while several leading candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination have voiced support for civil unions or domestic partnerships, not one of them has come out in favor of equal marriage rights.

"One of the things I'm trying to think through is exactly what [Freedom to Marry's] role will be," says Gary Buseck, executive director of Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders, a Boston-based legal organization that has taken the lead in the court battle for marriage in Massachusetts. "The proof is yet in the pudding on whether or not Freedom to Marry can be a unifying thread."

Wolfson acknowledges that the marriage battle is first and foremost at the state level and with groups such as GLAD. Nevertheless, he says, it is important to have a national organization to offer a "coordinated, sustained overview." The role of Freedom to Marry, he adds, will be to offer technical, educational, and financial assistance to local groups that are doing that work, without duplicating existing efforts or creating turf wars. So far, Wolfson has raised more than $1 million toward that goal, and he hopes to double the figure by the end of the year.

Wolfson's mix of dogged determination and wired optimism regarding marriage is not universal, even among gay people. Indeed, his resolve has in the past caused him to butt heads with other activism. While Buseck, for example, praises Wolfson, he says the New York lawyer "is an intense person who causes some people consternation."

"Evan will be the first to admit he can be stubborn," says Mandy Carter, a North Carolina activist and a cofounder of Southerners on New Ground, a multiracial, multi-issue gay advocacy group. Carter, also on Freedom to Marry's steering committee, describes Wolfson as "a man with a strong sense of what he thinks needs to be done. He can be a pain in the ass, but boy, is he committed. I'm glad he's on our side."

Perhaps the greatest point of contention among activists is whether to place so many resources on marriage, an institution that is so sacred to straight people. Some activists fear that simply using the word marriage will inspire a backlash that could potentially set the civil rights movement back years.

Wolfson abhors that argument. "There's a long history of 'moderates' asking civil rights leaders to go slow and not be so radical," he points out, offering as an example Martin Luther King Jr.'s famous letter from Birmingham. The letter was in response to a coalition of clergy members who considered themselves King's supporters but had admonished him for going too far.

"To acquiesce the vocabulary of marriage harms us and hurts our argument with straight people precisely because it is so resonant with them," Wolfson says. "It's the word they use to understand love, family, home, and self-sacrifice."

He concedes that securing civil unions is better than no legal recognition at all, and he welcomes those advances. "But despite what reticent activists may tell you, we should never be poised to demand less," he adds.

What Wolfson also acknowledges is that winning marriage rights will be a long-term fight. He is fond of saying "there is no marriage without engagement," meaning that in order to win the marriage battle, "we have to engage the reachable middle. We should never sell short the ability of nongay people to support marriage."

The key to this critical segment of the population, he says, is "the middle-tier opinion leaders--the head of the school's PTA, a union leader, a church's clergyman. These people may not be national figures, but they make a huge difference in their local communities."

Cherry Spencer-Stark, a straight member of Freedom to Marry's steering committee who describes herself as "a onetime quiet suburban housewife who's turned into the local poster girl for gay and lesbian rights," strongly supports Wolfson's premise. Spencer-Stark, who is also president of the American Civil Liberties Union of Georgia, lives in Cobb County, the infamously antigay suburban stronghold northwest of Atlanta. It's home to Newt Gingrich, and in 1994 it gained national notoriety when Atlanta-area organizers for the 1996 Olympics pulled the volleyball tournament scheduled there because the county had passed a declaration in 1993 condemning gay people.

Spencer-Stark, who has been working on gay and lesbian issues for a decade, believes "national issues start out first as local issues. Local and state are the pivotal levels." And while she doesn't expect same-sex couples to be able to get a marriage license in Cobb County any time soon, she says, "It's amazing how we've changed hearts and minds here by going out and talking to our neighbors." Marriage in particular is something that advocates must bring down to a personal level in order to win over that "reachable middle," she says. "We shouldn't try to sidestep marriage, even in Cobb County. The idea of two people being able to live their lives together and love each other is something both so basic and so paramount. And it's something you can get regular people to understand, even people who wouldn't normally consider themselves supporters of gay rights."

Ironically, the 46-year-old Wolfson, who for years has been the poster boy for equal marriage rights, evades questions about his own love life, except to say that he and his boyfriend, Cheng He, have been together for over 18 months. He demurs when asked about his desire to walk down the aisle, saying his personal life does not drive his commitment to equal rights.

"But I want the choice," he adds, "so that when I am ready, the country is ready to let me do it."

Dahir has also written for Time, Good Housekeeping, and Business Traveler.