Managing your moody mate: sometimes relationships need a little understanding.

Lorna Lyon's day had been a serene one until she opened the front door to her homecoming husband. One look and she could tell instantly that he was in one of his moods. Past experience had taught her the signs. Her usually tranquil husband had had a difficult day at the office and was now bringing his problems home. Lorna knew his glumness would persist all evening. If he responded to her remarks at all, it would be more of a snap. Yes, he was in a bad mood, and she was at a loss as to how to handle it.

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MOST MARRIAGES would run more smoothly if both mates remained even-tempered and pleasant to live with at all times. But let's get real. Our mate's moods vary, and so do our own. If we can't eliminate negative moods, the next best step is to learn to cope with them.

Coping requires acceptance. Fact is, your mate has negative moods and probably will continue to have them "till death do you part." While some have learned to control their moods to the point where they don't show to an outsider, close relationships such as marriage make it almost impossible to hide feelings. Married people--especially those who want to stay that way--must accept the full range of feelings pouring from their significant other.

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work (Crown Publishing Group), Dr. John Gottman states that stonewalling is often a favorite method of evading talking out a problem. He says that men tend to use it more than women. Either they bury themselves in their newspaper or leave the room to avoid discussing the pressing problems. Doing so doesn't help to lighten their mood or solve the situation.

By accepting the fact that your spouse will experience bad moods, you'll be taking a giant step toward coping with them when they do appear. You'll be less surprised or disappointed when he or she isn't up to their usual self.

Be Witty, Be Charming, Be Gone

How should you handle your mate's moods? Depends. You might try to cheer him or her up by being witty, and lighthearted. You'll know very quickly if this prescription works. If he responds positively, slowly joining in the fun, your technique is working. If he doesn't, swiftly change tactics. Maybe the best thing for you to do is leave him alone.

According to the Healthy Marriage Handbook, written by Louise A. Ferrebee (Broadman and Holman Publishers), a recent Louis Harris poll found that 63 percent of working women and 40 percent of working men say they don't have enough time for themselves.

If he wants to be alone, anything you say or do will only acid irritation. Let him have his privacy. However, don't feel that his wanting to be alone is a personal insult to you. Some people just need to be alone at certain times. Get busy on some project of your own and stay out of his way. Moods tend to be temporary. He'll get over it.

Frequently, a wise husband can help to pull his wife out of sad or dark moods by suggesting an outing of some kind. A quiet dinner date, a visit to a museum, or evening at the opera will usually dissipate that negative outlook. Or a wife can suggest that her husband play a round of golf, visit an old army buddy or spend some quality time drooling over the new cars at the local auto dealer. He'll more than likely return from such an outing in a much better mood.

Or maybe your mate just wants to sit down and talk. Dr. Gottman advises couples to "reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went." The spouse may be feeling sorry for herself and need someone to listen. An argument with a co-worker or relative may have sparked the depressed mood. If the spouse wants to talk about it, listen sympathetically but don't give advice. She's not asking for answers. She probably simply wants to talk out the resentment she's feeling for the person or situation. Don't be judgmental, even if you feel your spouse did or said something wrong. Criticism--even the constructive kind--may only depress her more.

Ergo the Ego

If your mate is in a poor mood, it's usually a sign that his ego is suffering. Now is a good time to use words and actions that will help build up that faltering sense of self-worth. A husband can give his depressed wife a small gift and tell her how much he loves her. A wife can prepare her husband's favorite dish for dinner and let him know that she thinks he's a great guy. The person in a depressed mood is usually suffering within, regardless of how much he or she pretends otherwise.

Should you be worried about your mate because he or she experiences moods? Depends. If they're the "normal" kind--infrequent, slight, short--relax. Comes with the territory. But if they're frequent, persist for days or weeks, and cause deep depression, it might be time to visit the doctor. In their book Managing Your Mind (Oxford University Press), Gillian Butler, Ph.D., and Tony Hope, M.D., quote a study that shows that one of the biggest barriers against depressive moods is "a close, confiding relationship."

Mood Cycles

Many people--men and women alike--contend with mood cycles. A woman sometimes goes into her "down" cycle a few clays each month, according to her body rhythm. In men, these cycles aren't so easy to pin down. These cycles seem to be brought on more by events or happenings than by bodily changes. For instance, one woman says that her husband always gets in a blue mood after a visit from their young married daughter, who lives in a nearby town. The husband dislikes the son-in-law because of the way he treats the daughter. The wife is well aware of the effect that the visits have on her husband. Yet she doesn't want to stop them because they both love their daughter. So until the situation changes, she has to cope with his moods after each visit.

In another case, a wife says that her husband always gets in a depressed mood during the Christmas holidays. In the early years of her marriage, his moods made her depressed, too, making her feel that she had failed him in some way. Now after five years of marriage she has learned to take his solemn attitude in stride. "I finally decided not to let it dampen my Christmas spirit any longer," she says. "I want to pull him up, not let him pull me down." She was able to cope with his holiday blues when she realized that they were not her fault.

What Have I Done?

Upon seeing their spouse in a glum mood, most conscientious mates who want to maintain harmony in their marriage will immediately ask themselves, "What have I said or done to make him/her feel or act like that?" Wrong question. It's usually a combination of outside circumstances--over which the spouse has no control--that's the true culprit.

That said, there are times when a spouse's action might be a mood-mangler. If Jane Smith notices that after talking about her college years, her husband, Bob, who didn't attend college, falls into a funk, it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Jane might be better served if she kept her college experiences to herself in the future. Or if Jane becomes depressed after hearing Bob speak admiringly of a female co-worker, he shouldn't be too hardpressed to put two and two together. Yes, these are both small, even petty, incidences. In fact, Jane might think that Bob is nit-picking to let such a small thing throw him into a mood, and he might think the same about her. But they're staring at only the surface of the problem. Jane's college talk has punctured Bob's pride, creating a feeling of inferiority.

Some other man who's more confident in himself wouldn't object. In fact, he'd probably show pride in her accomplishments.

Bob, with his admiring remarks centered on another woman, has turned the key leading to Jane's room of insecurity. If she felt secure in herself and in her marriage, she'd not object to his remarks.

So if you know that a certain topic or action initiates a mood swing in your spouse, you may choose to avoid the topic or action, try to discuss the problem at its deeper level to discover the real reason for the mood, or blindly continue on. If you choose the latter, you might as well brace yourself for the soon-to-appear mood.

Live With It

Sometimes a person cannot, or prefers not to, change a situation that triggers a mood in the spouse. For instance, a man who's required to work overtime and finds his wife in a poor mood when he returns home, may not be able to do much about correcting the cause. His wife will need to adjust. Or perhaps a wife feels that she should be able to take an evening course at the local college, even if her spouse doesn't approve. She'll just have to face his sour mood when she returns home either until she quits the course or he decides to alter his reaction.

When a couple finds themselves at loggerheads--when one of them doesn't want to give up doing something that brings on a negative mood in the other--they have a problem that must be solved by change, adjustment, or compromise. Only they can decide which it will be.

Moods are part of marriage because they are a facet of human nature. You may not be able to make all the negative ones disappear; but with foresight, patience, and a bit of understanding, you can lessen their threat to marital harmony. By learning to cope with them, you'll help your mate, yourself, and your marriage.

Oneta Aldrich Dernelle writes from Colorado Springs, Colorado.