Making friends: reaching out to kids who are different from you isn't always easy. But it can be rewarding. Meet some teens who have bridged the gap.

After the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, Morgan Miller noticed that Arab-Americans faced increasing hostility and discrimination. She couldn't understand why some Americans would blame innocent people for horrible acts committed by others. Her confusion and sadness were intensified, she says, by the fact that her best friend, Alyazah, is Muslim.

"After September 11, I tried to stick around her more because I saw how certain people reacted to Muslims," says Morgan, 14, who lives in New York City. "I didn't want that to happen to her. It was a really hard time, but it ended up bringing us a lot closer."

Not only did the experience forge a stronger bond between the two teens, it also served as a valuable lesson in tolerance--a lesson, Morgan says, she owes to her friendship with Alyazah.

Making friends with kids from different backgrounds, say experts, helps teens to learn not just about others, but also about themselves.

"You can read a history book," says Lawrence B. Shapiro, author of The Secret Language of Children, "but there's nothing like learning from another person in terms of a life experience that changes who you are."

Fear of the Unknown

A student at the United Nations International School (UNIS) in New York City, Morgan has friends from many countries, including the United Arab Emirates, Sweden, Spain, and Romania. Those friendships have helped her to appreciate different cultures and religions.

"When people would say comments that weren't nice, I would get offended as if I was Muslim because I was so close to Alyazah," says Morgan, who is Lithuanian, Jamaican, and Trinidadian. "I would get disgusted that people would make comments based solely on someone's religion, just because the people who did the terrorist attacks were coincidentally the same religion."

Unlike Morgan, not every teen reaches out to classmates from different backgrounds. Kids' reluctance to step outside their established social circles is often based on fear.

"When it comes to friendships, we are attracted to what we know," says Shapiro. "Familiarity brings comfort. Adolescence is about fitting in and being accepted. Kids see people like themselves as being most approachable."

New Experiences

Teens who don't cultivate friendships with kids of different backgrounds are missing out, says Morgan's classmate Mae Castillo.

"It's really nice to know people who aren't from the same culture because you learn from them," says the 13-year-old, whose friends are Korean, German, and Australian. "It's really fascinating. If they weren't my friends, I probably wouldn't be as open-minded. It would be a boring life."

Luke Robbins, a student at the International School of Indiana in Indianapolis, agrees. His parents have always encouraged him to form friendships with classmates from different backgrounds. As a result, he doesn't accept stereotypes easily.

"You are less inclined to hate an entire race if your best friend is part of it," says Luke, 14. "If you establish an unbreakable bond of friendship with a person of a different race, it's going to make it a lot harder to have that bond replaced by hatred."

Moses Hanson-Harding, 12, has learned about Iranian culture and traditions from his friend Ali Naderi.

"It's cool going to Ali's house and hearing him speak a totally different language with his family," says Moses, a student at Pierrepont School in Rutherford, New Jersey. "I've eaten foods like baked lemons and different kinds of beans at Ali's house. Iranian food doesn't taste bad. It just tastes different and takes some time to get used to."

Moses and Ali have also learned more about each other's religions. "Ali teaches me about being a Muslim, and I tell him what it means to be Jewish," says Moses. "Seeing kids with different cultures on TV or in newspapers isn't the same as actually knowing a person."

But religious and cultural differences can sometimes lead to misunderstandings, says Kristen Liu, 14, a student at UNIS.

"In my Chinese language class, our teacher can be really strict sometimes," says Kristen, who is Chinese-American. "She's used to teaching kids in China. There, students are supposed to be organized and have their lessons in on time, so she gets angry if we forget our books or don't turn in our work on time."

After Kristen explained the Chinese educational system to classmates, they understood why their teacher expected so much of them.

Understanding cultural differences is especially important as the new school year begins. This month, UNIS will once again open its doors to students from around the world. Morgan says that she will be there to greet new students.

"When I see new faces in class, I'll say 'Hi,' because I know how hard it is to make new friends," she says. "They're wondering, 'Will people like me?' They have to start all over again, so I try to be helpful."

Along the way, Morgan might make some new friends herself.

Your Turn: THINK ABOUT IT

1. Do you have friends from different backgrounds? What have you learned from them?

2. Seek out a classmate who is new to your area. Get to know him or her.

OBJECTIVES

Students should understand:

* Friendships help shape personal development and provide feelings of support and understanding during difficult times;

* Making friends with people from different backgrounds can enrich one's life and help to create greater understanding between groups.

TEACHING STRATEGY

Ask students to name a word or phrase they think of when they hear the word "friendship." Write these associations on the chalkboard. After reading and discussing the article, ask students to name words or phrases that are missing from the board. How have their ideas about friendship changed?

THINKING SKILLS

COMPREHENSION: What are some of the benefits of making friends with people from different backgrounds? (Making friends with people from different backgrounds can help you to understand different religions, cultures, and ideas from around the world. Such friendships may also help prevent prejudice and stereotyping.)

MAKING CONNECTIONS: Why do many children avoid friendships with people from different backgrounds! (Experts suggests that most children see people like themselves as being most approachable. Since many adolescents want to fit in, children may also seek friendships with people from similar backgrounds so as to fit in.)

ACTIVITY

WHO AM I? Divide your class into pairs and ask students to interview their partners, noting their backgrounds, family members, and favorite activities. Then ask your students to write short biographies of their partners, without giving away the subject's identity. Collect the biographies and read them aloud to the class. Can your students guess the identity of each person? What characteristics make an individual unique?

STANDARDS

SOCIAL STUDIES, GRADES 5-8

* Individual development and identity: How making friends helps shape personal development and offers students a greater understanding of people different from themselves.

* Civics ideals and practices: How making friends with students from different backgrounds can be difficult, but such friendships can help individuals to overcome prejudice and stereotypes,

RESOURCES

PRINT

* Kim, Jeannie, Friends and Family (Scholastic, 2003). Grades 5-8.

* Kirberger, Kimberly, and Colin Mortensen, On Friendship: A Book for Teenagers (Health Communications, 2000). Grades 6 and up.

WEB SITES

* The Friends and Friendships Web www.cyberparent.com/friendship/

* People to People International www.ptpi.org/

QUICK QUIZ 

Decide whether each sentence is true, false, or an opinion. Write your choice on the line provided.

--1. Friendships can teach valuable lessons about tolerance and acceptance.

--2. When making friends, most children seek out people who are like themselves.

--3. A person should only develop friendships with other members of his or her race, culture, and class.

--4. Morgan Miller sought friendship with an Arab-American classmate after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks because she herself is a Muslim.

--5. Most experts advise learning a foreign language before starting a friendship with people from other countries.

ANSWERS

Quick Quiz

1. True

2. True

3. Opinion

4. False

5. False