MY HEART WILL GO ON; GRIEVING ADULTS AND CHILDREN DISCOVER STRENGTH IN NUMBERS.Byline: Phil Davis
This Christmas will be tough for Lindsey Nakatani. While other kids at her elementary school elementary school: see school. are making holiday crafts for their parents, Lindsey is wrestling with powerful emotions that can even paralyze par·a·lyze v. To affect with paralysis; cause to be paralytic. adults - the first Christmas since the death of her father. George Makoto Nakatani was only 36 when he died on Jan. 11, 1999. The loss hit his wife, Lalida, 36, hard, and their daughter Lindsey, 6, even harder. She is the only child among the 350 students at her Santa Monica Santa Monica (săn`tə mŏn`ĭkə), city (1990 pop. 86,905), Los Angeles co., S Calif., on Santa Monica Bay; inc. 1886. Tourism and retailing are important, and the city has motion-picture, biotechnology, and software industries. elementary school who has lost a parent to death. At an age where fitting in is crucial, Lindsey had no one to relate to - until her mom found Our House. Our House offers grief counseling
Loss and grief are inevitable at some time in everyone's life [1] and at any age[2]. for children and adults. For Lindsey, the nonprofit counseling center provides a place to meet with other kids who lost a close relative and to learn to live with the pain of losing her father. ``I miss you so much and Merry Christmas,'' Lindsey writes to her father in an arts and crafts arts and crafts, term for that general field of applied design in which hand fabrication is dominant. The term was coined in England in the late 19th cent. as a label for the then-current movement directed toward the revivifying of the decorative arts. exercise that helps her express the feelings. It's a lot easier to talk about ``Toy Story 2'' or horseback riding horseback riding: see equestrianism. . ``The first session was terrible,'' admits her mother. ``I had to practically drag her in there. She came running out and and said, `Every kid in there lost a father!' Now she runs right back there. She loves Our House.'' Our House co-founder Hilary Cohen cohen or kohen (Hebrew: “priest”) Jewish priest descended from Zadok (a descendant of Aaron), priest at the First Temple of Jerusalem. The biblical priesthood was hereditary and male. , a licensed clinical social worker, had kids like Lindsey in mind when she opened the first center in West Los Angeles
``I think people tend to think that children don't understand at that age, that they don't need to talk about it,'' Cohen said. ``It's hard working with that age group. But when you listen to them talk, you know they are deeply affected by it. They do grieve grieve v. grieved, griev·ing, grieves v.tr. 1. To cause to be sorrowful; distress: It grieves me to see you in such pain. 2. at that age.'' Our House offers an alternative to one-on-one therapy, a chance to bond with others who are struggling with the same flood of grief. Clients range from seniors struggling with the loss of a life partner to 3-year-olds coping with the loss of a sibling. Sessions, broken down into age groups, typically cost $20, though people who can't afford that can pay as little as $1. About 150 people a month attend counseling sessions. Each group is led by a social worker or licensed therapist, who is assisted by volunteers. There is enough demand for this type of counseling that Our House opened an office in Woodland Hills on Dec. 2. The second office was paid for with a grant from the June Ebensteiner Hospice Foundation. Unlike other groups that meet in institutional settings (even funeral homes), Our House strives to create an atmosphere that feels more like a living room, comfy com·fy adj. com·fi·er, com·fi·est Informal Comfortable. comfy Adjective [-fier, -fiest] Informal comfortable Adj. 1. chairs, warm lighting, teddy bears and plenty of tissues. ``We wanted people to feel comfortable,'' Cohen said. ``We're not doing therapy here, it's a support center. We like to make that distinction, because just because you're grieving grieving Mourning, see there doesn't mean you need therapy. We talk to people about the fact this isn't something you get over, it's something you incorporate into your life.'' The sessions aren't for everyone, though. While Lalida Nakatani thinks the world of what Our House has done for her daughter, she found the adult sessions too depressing. ``It didn't help me as much,'' said Nakatani, who found comfort in a support network of friends. ``I didn't feel comfortable with my group. It's different for everybody.'' But many people - especially kids - find it helpful to spend time with people who can relate. They often come back to help counsel others. The sessions are not always touchy feely. There are boxing gloves boxing gloves npl → guantes mpl de boxeo boxing gloves box npl → gants mpl de boxe boxing gloves npl in the playroom so angry children can take out their frustrations on bean bags. And much of the artwork on the walls reveals raw emotion and real pain. A young girl writes about the jealousy she feels at seeing kids with two parents. A teen boy uses magazine headlines to express his feelings - ``pain, I am very, very angry, life is harsh.'' A little girl cuts out a bright red felt heart, then fills the middle with blackness. Another girl describes grief like a ``knife stabbing into my heart.'' ``We deal with a lot of emotions through art - that's where a lot of it comes out,'' Cohen said. One child, asked to describe the funeral of her father, put a felt cutout cut·out n. 1. Something cut out or intended to be cut out from something else. 2. Electricity A device that interrupts, bypasses, or disconnects a circuit or circuit element. 3. of a car in the coffin with her daddy. ``We asked her, 'Why is there a car in the coffin?' and she said, 'When my daddy died, we had to sell his car, and in his car was my car seat, and I miss riding in the car seat with him,' '' Cohen said. ``To an adult, that would be no big deal. But to a kid, this was their world, this was important to them. A kid would never just be able to sit down and say, 'I really miss riding in the car with my dad.' '' Holidays and death anniversaries are always toughest. ``It's a time when everybody's together,'' Cohen said. ``The first time people go into a holiday without a loved one, we talk to them about how they are going to handle it. We try to get people not to ignore it, to do something to acknowledge it's not just like any other day.'' Coping with holiday grief Holidays can be especially hard on people grappling with the loss of a loved one. Here are a few suggestions to ease the burden: Don't feel guilty. Grief is natural. Share memories about the person who died. Tell the stories behind Christmas ornaments Christmas ornaments are decorations (usually made of glass, metal, wood or ceramics) that are used to festoon a Christmas tree. Ornaments take many different forms, from a simple round ball to highly artistic designs. and the role the deceased played in making those memories. Make a photo album or memory book about the loved one and share it. If a family tradition is too painful, change it. If the tradition is comforting, keep it. Take time for yourself. A little solitude is a good time to renew strength. Don't be afraid to tell others what you want. Friends and relatives may not know what to do or say, so it's best to let them know what makes you most comfortable. Encourage children to draw pictures and create gifts inspired by their memories of the deceased to give to others. Bring the loved one's favorite food to a meal. Mention their name in the blessing, or propose a toast to their memory. Source: Our House. CAPTION(S): 4 Photos, box Photo: (1 -- cover -- color) raw emotion and real pain Support group helps children and adults face the holidays after the death of a loved one (2) A talking stick The talking stick was used in Native North American tribes at council meetings. It was used as courtesy not to interrupt a chief when he was speaking. The talking stick was then passed to the next council member who wished to speak. is passed during a children's grief-support group at Our House in West Los Angeles. The non-profit counseling organization also has a Valley office. (3) Children can use art to express feelings about lost loved ones loved ones npl → seres mpl queridos loved ones npl → proches mpl et amis chers loved ones love npl . (4) When they lose a parent, children often feel like they're all alone. Phil McCarten/Staff Photographer Box: Coping with holiday grief (See text) |
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