MONSTER MASH.Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the movies. Just when you thought the pairing of Dennis Rodman and Jean-Claude Van Damme was the scariest thing Hollywood could ever come up with, along slithers ``Anaconda Anaconda, city, United States Anaconda (ănəkŏn`də), city (1990 pop. 10,278), seat of Deer Lodge co., SW Mont.; inc. 1887. ,'' which topped the box office last weekend. Stop us if you've heard the plot before: A bunch of unsuspecting documentary filmmakers are terrorized by a giant man-eating snake in the middle of the jungle. Yikes yikes interj. Used to express mild fear or surprise. [Origin unknown.] ! Did we say that it's a really big snake? Huge? Ahhh! That's right, it's yet another in a long line of films where big scary animals terrorize ter·ror·ize tr.v. ter·ror·ized, ter·ror·iz·ing, ter·ror·iz·es 1. To fill or overpower with terror; terrify. 2. To coerce by intimidation or fear. See Synonyms at frighten. - and devour - a bunch of unsuspecting humans. And as much fun as these films can be, most are just pale knockoffs of Steven Spielberg's ``Jaws,'' their creatures weak versions of the '70s mechanical great white shark great white shark or white shark Large, aggressive shark (Carcharodon carcharias, family Lamnidae), considered the species most dangerous to humans. It is found in tropical and temperate regions of all oceans and is noted for its voracious appetite. (nicknamed Bruce). The release of ``Anaconda'' sounds like a call to battle, even, an invitation to big scary animals of the past to step up and prove their worth. How would they stack up, you ask? The answers are in the ``tale of the tape'' THE CHAMP Jaws (1975) Creature: Mean, vindictive great white shark. Pros (in a fight with the Anaconda): The greatest horror movie animal of all time. Cons: Three bad sequels. Catchphrase Noun 1. catchphrase - a phrase that has become a catchword catch phrase phrase - an expression consisting of one or more words forming a grammatical constituent of a sentence : ``Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water ...'' Odds (vs. Anaconda): 1 to 2 THE CHALLENGERS ``Anaconda'' ('97) Creature: Forty-foot, heat-sensing, blood-smelling snake. Pros: Superfast - on land and water! Barfs up victims to eat them twice (Now that's mean!). Cons: Severe skin shedding problem. Confused by bright lights (as is, apparently, the rest of the cast). Catchphrase: ``When you can't breathe, you can't scream.'' Odds (vs. Jaws): 50 to 1 ``Alien'' ('79) Creature: An alien. (Duh duh interj. Used to express disdain for something deemed stupid or obvious, especially a self-evident remark. [Imitative of an utterance attributed to slow-witted people.] !) Pros:Very acidic blood. Can breathe in space. Reproduces like rabbits. Cons: Can't get a green card. Catchphrase: ``In space, no one can hear you scream.'' Odds: Even ``Orca'' ('77) Creature: Mean, vindictive Killer whale killer whale or grampus, a large, rapacious marine mammal, Orcinus orca, of the dolphin family. Male killer whales may reach a length of 30 ft (9 m) and females half that length. . Pros: Righteously angry about death of family. Better actor than Bo Derek Bo Derek A slang term used to describe a perfect stock or investment. Notes: The term comes from the name of the actress (Bo Derek) in the 1979 movie "10," in which she portrayed the "perfect woman. (whose leg he bit off). Cons: Emotionally tormented. Hard to shake friendly ``Shamu'' image. Weighed down by blubber. Catchphrase: ``Just when you thought it was safe to go to Sea World.'' Odds: 23 to 1 ``Cujo'' ('83) Creature: Saint Bernard possessed by Satan or some other force of evil. Pros: Slobber slob·ber v. slob·bered, slob·ber·ing, slob·bers v.intr. 1. To let saliva or liquid spill out from the mouth; drool. 2. (possibly acidic). Rabies rabies (rā`bēz, ră`–) or hydrophobia (hī'drəfō`bēə), acute viral infection of the central nervous system in dogs, foxes, raccoons, skunks, bats, and other animals, and in . Handy alcohol-filled barrel around his neck. Cons: Saint Bernards are big, fluffy, happy dogs who help people stuck on mountains. Puh-leeze! Catchphrase: ``It's a dog-eat-human world ... and he's hungry!'' Odds: 45 to 1 ``Them!'' ('54) Creatures: Mutant ants the size of Van Nuys. Pros: Six legs. About a million eyes. Ability to carry 10 times their own weight. Cons: Raid kills ants dead. Catchphrase: ``When you can't beat Them ... you can't scream!'' Odds: 784 to 1 ``Ben'' ('72) Creature: Evil rat named Ben. Pros: Theme song by Michael Jackson. Cons: Theme song by Michael Jackson. Catchphrase: ``It's got a theme song by Michael Jackson.'' Odds: 7 million to 1 Grizzly ('76) Creature: An 18-foot, 2,000-pound grizzly bear in a bad mood (probably over- slept). Pros: Climbs trees. Well rested from hibernation. Cons: Sappy, picnic-basket-snatching ``Yogi yo·gi n. pl. yo·gis One who practices yoga. [Hindi yog Bear'' image. Catchphrase: ``Meaner, blood-thirstier and much more evil than the av-er-age bear!'' Odds: 15 to 1 ``Tremors'' ('90) Creature: Giant worms. Pros: Only one degree of separation from Kevin Bacon. Cons: No eyes. Used for fishing bait. Catchphrase: ``Pull them in half, and you get two!'' Odds: 34 to 1 ``Jurassic Park'' ('93) Creatures: Tyrannosaurus Tyrannosaurus (tīrăn'ōsôr`əs, tĭr–) [Gr.,=tyrant lizard], member of a family, Tyrannosauridae, of bipedal carnivorous saurischian dinosaurs characterized by having strong hind limbs, a muscular tail, and short Rex, Velociraptors and that Newman guy from ``Seinfeld'' Pros: World's best computer-animation. Cons: They're extinct. Catchphrase: ``Dar win can kiss our giant, reptilian butts!'' Odds: 1 to 3,321 ``Godzilla'' ('56) Creature: Godzilla, a gigantic-atomic-mutated whatever. Pros: Breathes fire and is, like, the size of a mountain. Cons: Soft spot for Japanese people. Not convincing as a bad guy. He's dubbed. Catchphrase: ``When you're talking in Japanese, you can't scream!'' Odds: 23 to 1 ``Alligator'' ('80) Creature: Giant, sewer-dwelling alligators in Chicago. Pros: Amphibious. Poor sense of smell good for sewage work. Cons: It's in Chicago. Catchphrase: ``The sewer is toast!'' Odds: 13 to 1 ``Moby Dick'' ('56) Creature: Great white whale white whale: see beluga. . Pros: Well respected in literary circles. Cons: Survives on a plankton-only diet. Stalked by an insane maniac with a boat and lots of harpoons. Catchphrase: ``Call me Ishmael.'' Odds: 2 to 1 CAPTION(S): Box Box: THE CHAMP - THE CHALLENGERS (See Text) Bradford Mar/Daily News |
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