MOM and DAD P.I.

FEELING LIKE YOU NEED A LITTLE MORE PRIVACY?

PRIVACY: YOU NEED IT. And you deserve it. You have the right to indulge in quality time away from the fam. Granted, this doesn't mean forgetting to come down for dinner or becoming more reclusive than Michael Jackson. It's just that it's great to have hang time with friends. Or to chill in your room, drawing or writing in a journal. It's also important to be able to chat freely with buds about whatever you want or to just daydream a little-to visualize yourself accepting that Best Actress Oscar you're sure to win someday-without your parents wanting an all-access pass to your private thoughts and feelings.

Because you deserve some space, having your privacy invaded feels rotten. But, unfortunately, some girls are plagued with parents who are totally up in their business. This could take the form of snooping through your stuff while you're at school, or it may be totally out in the open, like Mom bursting into your room and demanding to know who you're talking to on the phone. What makes this really puzzling to most girls is the fact that they feel completely deserving of their parents' trust--but their parents are nosing around anyway.

No one likes feeling that their parents don't trust them. The good news is that by confronting privacy issues head-on, you can actually have a better-than-ever relationship with them. How? Let's look at a few possible snoop scenarios.

PRIVACY PROBLEM

You come home from school to find the door to your room partly open. You always shut it tight in the mornings. When you check the secret spot behind your bed where you stash your journal, you can tell your journal's been moved. Your mom was home all day, so she's the only person who could have touched it.

THE SMART SOLUTION: First, wrack your brain to be positive you didn't move it yourself. Before you suspect Mom of being sneaky, be sure you didn't leave your door half-open. Could Mom have been changing your sheets or making your bed? If you think she did touch your journal, try not to overreact.

But if you do come to the conclusion Mom pried, know that most moms stoop to snooping as a last resort. So if Mom is reading your innermost thoughts on the sly, she's probably worried about you for some reason.

She could be spazzed that you're growing up--spending more time with buds, hanging with guys a little. This can be threatening to a mom, who will always see you as her baby (even when you're 70) and who wants to protect you from the big, bad world. So because she loves you, she may snoop to find out what you're up to. Twisted, but it gives her a sense of involvement in your life.

Trust is important between you and your mom. You're changing, sure, but you need to let Mom know she can count on you to make good choices, that you aren't out to do anything stupid. In turn, you need your mom to respect your space. And you need to tell her that.

Sit down with your mom, even if she hasn't snooped in your stuff, and tell her you keep a journal. Explain, "Mom, what I write in my journal are my private emotions, and I feel you should trust me." This is perfectly reasonable. If your mom is stressed about scary secrets she fears you might keep from her, such reassurance should help. Back it up with the right behavior--if you want your mom to trust you, act responsibly.

If there are still conflicts--you want to keep your journal under wraps, she feels entitled to unwrap it--try compromising. Ask what you can do to help Mom feel more comfortable. One solution might be to sit down after school for 15 minutes and talk about your day. Or chat when you get home from the mall about how you had a slice of pepperoni and bought new earrings at Claire's. Sharing the simple stuff helps Mom feel more connected, strengthens her trust and helps her get that since she knows what you're into, any details you write in your journal are no big deal.

PRIVACY PROBLEM

You're hanging at McDonald's with your crew, scarfing cheeseburgers and shooting the breeze. You spot your dad walking straight toward your table. You're sure he's here to check up on you, in front of all your friends.

THE SMART SOLUTION: Don't choke on a fry. You don't have enough info to assume Dad is there to scope what you're up to and make you look like a dark.

Maybe your brother split his lip in a skateboard accident and needs stitches, so Dad needs you home. Maybe he's bringing you that library book that's due today (you left the book on the kitchen table, remember?). Or maybe he's simply having a Big Mac attack. So instead of pulling your coat up over your head, give him a chance to explain.

Of course, Dad could be checking on you. Again, you're embarking on new activities--like lunches out with the gang, not grilled cheese at home like before. So he could be concerned and making sure everything's cool.

Instead of freaking about your friends assuming you're a total infant because your dad is crashing your scene, stay cool. It's doubtful they're thinking what you think they're thinking. Unless your dad Riverdances on top of ketchup packets, it's probably no biggie to your buds that he's there. Don't make a deal out of his presence. Be casual--make a light comment to deflate the situation, then find out from Dad what's going on.

If your dad is trailing you, that can pluck some nerves. Says Lily, 14, "My BFF's mom follows her. If we go to the mall, her mom is always around somewhere, watching. If she's out with her BF, her mom pops up. It's so bad my friend has a weird paranoia. She always feels like someone is spying on her, and her head jerks sometimes." Pretty bad.

Definitely speak up if you think your 'rent is going from caring to stalking. Ask Dad, "Why do you feel you need to watch me when I'm with my friends? What have I done to make you worry like this? It's hard for me. I like spending time with you, but I need friend time too." This is good because you show Dad you're not rejecting him and the fun times you have together--you're just expanding your social life. Get guidelines from him about what would ease his mind. And ask him for the space you need to chill with your friends.

PRIVACY PROBLEM

You and your girls hit Victoria's Secret and bought bras. You stashed yours in the back of your sock drawer. At dinner, in ftont of the whole family, Mom blurts out, "How does it feel to be wearing a bra at last?" Your brother nearly falls off his chair, laughing. Not only are you beet red, but you're blown away because she went in your drawer!

THE SMART SOLUTION: This is pretty humiliating. Your mom snooped, and that's not good. But she slipped and spewed a confession because she's proud you got a bra. She's a little clueless about saying it in front of the whole fam, but she means well. She's glad you've reached a maturity milestone.

An easy way to deal is to say, "Mom, I'm just wondering how you knew that." Not in an accusing or angry tone. Mom will probably look a little guilty and may admit she snooped. This creates a chance to discuss boundaries when it comes to keeping certain spaces private.

Once again, you need to make it clear to Mom you are responsible enough to deserve private areas in which she shouldn't trespass. Kids need parents to give them room to fly. Sometimes, the reasons and ways parents snoop can be pretty innocent but, still, it's important a parent stay honest while their kids are spreading those wings.

PRIVACY PROBLEM

You're talking on the phone with your crush. Your dad picks up the extension and listens in on your conversation.

THE SMART SOLUTION: This is pretty out there. It's bound to make your brain lock up at the mere thought of your dad hearing the way you talk to a guy. Plus, should your crush suspect your convo is reaching parental ears, he'll zip his lips and may be too petrified to call again.

Some dads invade privacy this way to ease anxieties about how fast their daughters are growing up. They worry about how boys are treating their little girl. Dads think they need to be protective--sometimes a little too protective. If indeed he's eavesdropping on your phone calls, you've got to fix things fast.

Sara, 12, says, "My parents always have to know who I'm talking to on the phone. I don't think they listen in, but they definitely make sure I tell them who's on the other end." Maybe that's the answer. Why not share with your dad how much fun it is for you to chat with your crush? Don't leave Dad in the dark--relieve his fears by telling him what's going on in a light way.

You can also say, "Don't worry, Dad--guys are not that big a deal to me right now." Tell him you like talking with your crush but that you're not into dating at this point. Dad will feel better if he knows you have things in perspective.

When dealing with privacy problems or other annoying space invaders, remember that some parents feel entitled to snoop on their kids. So approach the issue in a reasonable way.

Ask your folks for suggestions on working out a balance between their need to know what you're doing vs. your need to keep certain things to yourself. When you're confident enough to talk things over with your parents, they'll respect what a cool and together daughter they have--and pretty soon you should have all the space you need.

"Sometimes my parents make me feel uncomfortable, like there are two pairs of eyes following my every move. They even check my e-mails to make sure there are no bad words in them. There aren't any, hut it makes me feel awkward that someone would read a conversation between me and my friends." Evelyn, 12

"My mom asks me a million questions every day just so she can find out what's going on in my life. I catch her going through my drawers and backpack, and she snoops on my little brother even more, searching his room and listening to his phone conversations. I've asked for privacy a bunch of times, and she's laid off a little hit. But I've never given her any reason to worry, so I don't know why she does it." Becca, 13

"Once last year, my parents searched my room when I wasn't home and read all my notes from my best friend. I kept them in a folder under a pile of books, so it's not like they were out in the open! They didn't like what the letters said, so they sprung them on me and asked me to explain myself. I was like, "What?!" I felt like my privacy was invaded, and I could never trust them again. They had no right to do that. I'm still a little mad about it, and it was almost a year ago." Nicole, 15

Big Mother is Watching!

In today's high-tech society, parents have more and more ways to check up on what you're doing.

Your dad's at work but, hey, he's a dad, and he worries about you. So before he goes into his next meeting, he logs on to a Web site that lets him know that yes, you were at school today and outlines your homework assignments for him. Then he calls up a program that shows him the Web site you're looking at that very second. And later when you go out in the backyard, he gets an e-mail telling him the door was opened and sees a video of you heading out with the Hefty bag....

What?! Yes, this paranoia-inducing scenario sounds like a scene right out of The Truman Show. But a new crop of surveillance equipment--much of it relying on the Internet--has made constant monitoring a reality. Are your parents this freaky? Probably not. Parents often turn to high-tech snooping devices only as a desperate measure. "The people who do use these products say that they don't have a high level of trust in their children," says Jack Vonder Heide, president of Technology Briefing Centers, an Illinois think tank that advises parents and families on technology issues. "They feel that this is the only way to get evidence their child is doing something wrong."

What about your right to privacy? Isn't all this stuff against the Constitution or something? Nope. "A lot of people expect privacy and are really surprised when they find out how little they're legally entitled to," says Jeff Johnson, a partner at Denver's Holland and Hart law firm, which deals with privacy and online issues. "In terms of computers, generally, the parent is the owner of the computer, responsible for the accounts and liable for what happens. That means they can basically monitor whatever they want." It's the 21st-century version of the "you live under my roof; you live by my rules" argument. Your parents can film, check or spy on anything they want. Here are some ways they can keep tabs on you:

Parent-Teacher Computer Conferences

Now, parents don't have to wait for your mid-semester progress report to find out if you're falling behind at school. School systems around the country are using Web-based tools, such as rSchool.com and PowerSchoo.com, which allow parents to log in and instantly check up on your attendance, homework and grades. So much stashing that D-history test under the mattress.

Walkie-Talkies

You probably think of walkie-talkies as toys you've out-grown, but high-tech versions of the two-way radios are making a major comeback. Motorola and Cobra are just two of several companies currently offering handheld devices to give parents a direct talk-line to their kids, as long as you're both within a certain distance.

Wearable Whereabouts

GPS technology lets you put a chip on a car to find it right away, if it's lost. So guess what's next? You, Cell phone companies, like Qualcomm, are working on ways for satellites to track down a specific phone. And Digital Angel is a product that installs gadgets in things like bracelets, so your parents can always find out where you are. Tempted to take it off to make your parents think you're in one place? Sorry, this device also relays your body temp and heart rate.

Cyber sleuthing 

Plenty of products let your parents watch what you do online. Filtering software automatically blocks you from going to Web sites with certain content. Logging devices record every key you hit and every Web site you visit, so your parents can go back and check. Other programs scan for offensive content, and can e-mail your parents the pages and even e-mails you write.

Maximum Security System

You're a latchkey kid? Products such as Acer NeWeb's iSentinel, Security Village and Xanboo all let your parents watch what you're doing when you're home alone. They're hooked up to your house and are programmed to e-mail your parents (even on their cell phones) whenever certain doors are cracked open. Parents can even get streaming video or clips of what's going on at the homefront while they're at the office.

Money Monitors

You've always dreamed of having your very own credit card? PocketCard lets you sign up for one that tracks (and even e-mails) your parents all the details of what you buy.

Drug Detectors

Do you think you need to agree to pee in a cup for your parents to find out if you're using illegal drugs? Companies now market ways for your parents to check up on potential drug use without you ever suspecting a thing. Your parents can wipe areas of your room with special sheets to check for drug residue. Or they can pluck out a single strand of your hair while you sleep, and later analyze it for past and recent dug use. There's even a new lollipop-like saliva test. That Dum-Dum can tell if you're being a dumb-dumb.

Laura Gilbert