MINDING THE BABY NORTH KOREA'S NUCLEAR RATTLE.

Byline: Tom Plate

THINGS aren't always what they seem to be on Korean-Peninsula-Land. Maybe not enough people know this.

When North Korea recently went public with an admission of nuclear weapons possession and a (presumably temporary) rejection of further disarmament talks at this time, the world went near-bonkers.

American news networks ran with the story as if they were reporting the onset of World War III. For a day or so you could hardly even find a media mention of tsunami or Iraq. In Pyongyang they must have been a-chortle with their P.R. triumph.

But when North Korea throws its rattle out of its crib, the best thing to do is to stick earplugs in, while keeping a watchful eye on baby. He/she is just trying to get your attention. The yes-to-nukes/no-to-talks temper tantrum really means that North Korea wants some tender loving care.

The Bush administration just needs to keep its cool and let the tantrum play out. There's no need to try to punish North Korea for behaving like a baby. The domestic policies of the North Korean government have already done more than enough damage to North Korea, far more than any pain that could be inflicted by U.S. economic sanctions. Besides, that would be piling on to the problem, and would be perceived even by our allies and friends in the regions as just that.

Actually, it's better to watch the Chinese carefully. In public, they responded by not saying much, which is very smart. Their chief foreign- ministry spokesman simply said that Beijing hopes the six-party talks will continue. No stunner there: Since China started these talks, it has a vested interested in their not falling apart.

China has a different kind of problem: President George W. Bush - Mr. Freedom himself - has become increasingly dependent on the Hu Jintao government to help fix the North Korean nuclear crisis.

Funny, isn't it? This is the very same American politician who four years ago - and probably in all sincerity - publicly labeled China as a strategic competitor (Clinton had used the term ``strategic partnership.'').

Now it looks as if Bush wants Beijing - at least on this issue - to be, if not a Clintonesque strategic partner, something akin to a Texas soul mate.

This will be tough for the People's Republic of China as long as its relationship with the Democratic People's Republic of Korea retains serious value. After all, it is Beijing and Pyongyang, not Beijing and Washington, who are supposed to be the soul mates.

What's more, China apparently still draws solace from the continued existence of North Korea as a geopolitical buffer from South Korea, home to 32,500 U.S. troops. As long as they remain there, the specter of a united Korea devoid of an independent North hardly fills Beijing with euphoria. Until China decides that this buffer is antiquated (which, in this age of mobile and forward-deployable military forces, it really is), it will have mixed feelings about seriously undermining Pyongyang, no matter how much of a painful global embarrassment it is. But it will never devalue the buffer as long as so many U.S. troops are there.

Thus, China's utility for Bush - though significant - is more limited than our president may think, and unless there's a major strategic recalculation at the famed Party School in Beijing, probably the Chinese shouldn't be counted on to save Bush's bacon on this one.

No, the best candidate to save Bush's bacon on the Korea crisis is - Bush!

Here's why: The only way for the Bush administration to escape the dead end of its policy is to renounce, unilaterally, the use of force against the DPRK.

This would be smart move on three counts: It would remove North Korea's main public objection to rejoining the six-party talks. It would make our Chinese Texas soul mate look like a champ, as if Beijing had perhaps talked Bush into it. And the Bush administration is in no position to launch a strike on anyone else right now - Iran or North Korea.

Footnote: I have gotten to know - and very much like - several American diplomats with years of experience in negotiating with the North Koreans. The most amazing thing about them is not their dedication or even their intelligence, which they possess in great abundance, but their exceptional sense of humor.

In fact, they tell me, without that sense of humor, they could never have spent years negotiating with the humorless North Koreans. In fact, they credit North Korea with actually improving their sense of humor.

The reason is, you see, when the baby throws the rattle out of the crib, a lot of times they smartest thing to do is just to laugh.