MERRILY GOOFING OFF.

DURING HOLIDAYS, FEW BUSINESSES ARE PRODUCTIVE

TRUE story: An office worker sits at his desk, whistling "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." His boss comes by and frowns. "I wish you wouldn't whistle while you work." "Not to worry," says the employee. "I'm not working. I'm just whistling."

OK, so maybe the story isn't exactly true. But the sentiment behind it is. This time of year in many offices, there isn't a heck of a lot of work to do. Take the research department of a major TV distribution company. In December, TV is glutted with reruns and Christmas specials - typical holiday fare - that don't require much research. So the manager finds herself killing time at "business networking" lunches, while her underlings surf the Net, ordering up Christmas goodies.

And that's jake with her.

"Basically, any 'busy work' is more to relieve the boredom than to avoid work," says the manager, who asked to remain anonymous. "I accept that productivity will be down during this time," because work will rush in with the November sweeps data at the end of December.

Not many in the office

And so goes a day in the life of employees during the holiday season, when some are working hard -- but from our snooping, most hardly seem to be working.

Bob Spivak, founding partner of The Grill, agrees. "My phone calls are down 90 percent since the beginning of December," he says. "I don't think there's many people in the office between now and the end of the year."

At the law firm of Sheppard Mullin Richter & Hampton, many of the attorneys and office staff are on legit vacation. Meanwhile, "a couple dozen people out of 300 are busting their fannies," reports office maven Julie Penney (not that surprising given the amount of dealmaking going on these days, especially in the high-tech sector).

How does she inspire the remaining office staff to continue churning out briefs?

"I just carry around gift certificates and throw them at people," says Penney. From Nordstrom (a client, of course).

That's apparently not the case over at O'Melveny & Myers. "From what I'm seeing, we're busier than ever. I don't see a lot of vacation being taken," says marketing director Karen Newlove.

Same goes for Pillsbury Madison & Sutro. "There's quite a few of the crew here," says the firm's marketing head, Irene Valverde. "We have to close so many deals by the end of the year, it's really crazy."

But not all the Dilberts in nearby office towers are toiling that hard. Traffic downtown has been getting thinner and thinner since the beginning of December.

And where is everyone going? To Beverly Hills.

Lingering lunches

Traffic's heavy "morning, noon and night," says Chuck Craig, general manager of Spago on Canon Drive.

And people seem to be spending more time lunching. Typically, lunch goes pretty fast, 90 minutes tops. But now it stretches out by at least 30 minutes, Craig says. "I don't sense it is so much a psychological thing. People are lingering longer because this is their party for the office."

While Spago typically has groups of four, parties often grow to 10 during the holidays. And fewer deals are being struck, says Craig..

"There's less emphasis on business at this time of year," Craig says.

Spivak, of The Grill, agrees. And while normally lunch wraps by 1:30 or 2, "now lunches are going until 3 p.m. It's longer, by far, than I've ever seen it. People are eating later and hanging out longer," he reports.

Same goes for Le Dome, another show-biz mainstay.

Janet LaFevre, marketing manager of Century City Shopping Center, also notices the business types taking extended lunches. And she has spied suits wandering about the mall during the mid-afternoon hours -- not exactly the time you would expect bizboys to be shopping.

Over at the Beverly Center, working stiffs also have been spotted during daytime hours. "I think people are very, very busy," marketing consultant Liz Griggs offers. "They're trying to sneak in some shopping while they can."

Goof Guide

How to seem busy without really trying.

FOR those who possess too much of a holiday work ethic for our taste -- and with tongue firmly planted in cheek -- here are a few tips to survive the holidays.

1. If you haven't sent out holiday greetings, get cracking. And offer each client a personalized message. Choose your words carefully, and with a little practice, your Xmas card list will take almost five hours to complete -- nearly a day's work.

2. Buy a life-size inflatable doll and put it at your desk. This will fool no one, but will provide hours of good clean fun for the office "lonely guys."

3. The holidays are a perfect time to catch up on your calls to the Psychic Hotline. But to make people think you are actually working, never call the psychic by her true name (Wanda). Call her "Mr. Smithers" or, better yet, "President Clinton."

4. Next time you have a legit outside meeting, be sure to sneak in a few of your personal Christmas errands afterward. When you return, loudly proclaim, "That sure was a long meeting, wasn't it?"

5. Create the optical illusion of busyness. Hire a postal worker to sit at the desk next to you. No matter how little work you do, compared with a postal worker you'll look like Employee of the Month.

6. Bring your kids to work and tell them your boss loves riddles and loud noises. You'll be home by noon.

7. Set off the fire alarm. In the ensuing mayhem you can duck out of sight for hours. One complication: If the cops find out who set off the alarm, you could be out of the office for longer than you planned.

8. Invite your in-laws to stay with you for the holidays. You'll be thrilled to come to the office. (You may even volunteer to work on Christmas Day.)

9. Spike the office eggnog with Valium. You'll still be stuck at the office, but you won't care.

10. Call a phone-company telemarketer, and mention you are not happy with your long-distance carrier. This should kill at least four hours.

11. Try these surefire ways to look busy on the phone, while you're actually spending endless hours on hold: Call your cable company's emergency repair hotline. Call your HMO claims department. Call 911.

12. When all else fails, eat.

Laura Levine and Laura Kaufman