MAN, OH, MANAGER, IT'S A MESS.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

So, if we've got it straight, and if the McCourts can still say it with a straight face: This is Dodger baseball?

How, without even thinking of asking for FEMA's help, do loyal fans sit and watch a kid with a wi-fi laptop single-handedly muck up a storied franchise while its current MLB-approved caretaker is scurrying to find Gary Coleman in hopes of having him float a loan?

Are we to assume that the bottom line to this whole mess was that Jim Tracy simply wasted too much time actually trying to win games with Hee-Seop Choi, Yhency Brazoban, Jason Phillips and some ``Think Blue'' essay winner named Brian Myrow instead of focusing all his efforts studying the philosophical ways of Plato DePodesta?

After being told by DePodesta that he wasn't up to speed on everything, do you think Tracy regrets not having upgraded from dial-up to DSL?

Would it be Wallace or Gromit who best fits DePodesta's list of requirements for the next Dodger yes-man?

What does Eric Gagne know about running a team anyway?

And can you give us that address again to send in the $250 non-refundable deposit for 2006 Dodger season seats? By the way, did you know our Los Angeles Angels also charge $250 for their seat deposits - but they make it fully refundable?

--Wouldn't that just be the capper to Dodgers fan frustration if the Angels scooped up Mike Piazza as their DH for 2006?

--Any critique on the way Garret Anderson cruised around the bases during his triple against Randy Johnson? Was it as slow as his home-run trot a couple of innings earlier?

--What efforts will the Angels make, sooner than later, about getting that Rally Monkey off their back?

--So how'd you grade that offseason version of shortstop musical chairs with Eckstein, Cabrera and Renteria switching from the Angels, Red Sox and Cardinals?

--How much does Pete Rose have down on the Black ... er, White Sox going all the way now?

--Does it make any sense for the Cardinals and Padres to even battle for a possible Game 4 Sunday at 1 p.m. when their Game 3 tonight doesn't start until 8 p.m.?

--Did Vlade Divac fall over in surprise when he found out the Lakers cut him?

--Where were the TV cameras when Kenny Rogers was cleaning out his Rangers' locker.

--What are the odds that the NFL has strongly discouraged any network from airing commercials for the Al Pacino/Matthew McConaughey flick ``Two For The Money'' during their broadcasts this weekend?

--What is Mitsubishi thinking by forcing a new mid-sized truck on the public called the Raider? Did you happen to read the review of this thing in Consumer Reports, about how it stalls every time you try to put it into drive because the ``Check Quarterback'' light keeps flashing?

--Will Vinny Testaverde be listening to instructions in his helmet Sunday from the Jets' coaching staff or his health care provider?

--How much more rope does Phoenix Coyotes owner Wayne Gretzky give this rookie coach who can't even fill out a lineup card?

Tom Hoffarth is at [phone] and thomas.hoffarth(at)dailynews.com.