MAKING CLAIMS STARTING TO GET OLD.

Byline: BILLY WITZ

Today, I put my humility aside - it fits nicely here in a thimble - and tell you this is going to be the most insightful, clever and meaningful story you will read in this sports section.

I guarantee it.

You print that! You go make money on that

Ah, there, that feels better.

Keeping an eye on the NFL the past couple of weeks, it's become clear you really aren't much if you're not stepping in front of the first available microphone or camera and guaranteeing something, anything. The more audacious, the better.

Bengals receiver Chad Johnson, whose team hasn't had a winning record in 13 years, stared defiantly into cameras in the locker room last Sunday and guaranteed his team would beat unbeaten Kansas City today.

Minnesota coach Mike Tice, in his best primordial grunt, guaranteed this week that his Vikings - in the midst of a three-game losing streak - will make the playoffs.

Tampa Bay defensive end Simeon Rice used the G-word when predicting his Buccaneers would knock off Carolina last week.

What's gotten into everybody?

``It sounds like they're trying to instill a little bit of hope and courage in their teams,'' said Dr. Ross Flowers, a sports psychologist at UC Davis. ``I'm sure Mike Tice would like to see his team perform the way they can, and it sounds like Chad Johnson is trying to motivate himself and the team.''

We all have our own motivations, as any college professor could tell you looking at the empty seats in his class on the first warm, sunny day of spring. What everyone loves, though, is an underdog. If it's one with the hubris to call his own shot - and make it - all the better.

Consider the most famous ones:

There was Babe Ruth's, remarkable for its audacity. There was Joe Namath's epic guarantee of the Jets' victory over the Colts in Super Bowl II, famous for its impact. Mark Messier is remembered for, with his Rangers down 3-2 to New Jersey in the conference finals, guaranteeing a Stanley Cup and then delivering with a Game 6 hat trick.

There might have not been a more eloquent guarantee than when New York Giants coach Jim Fassel, his team stuck in a midseason rut three years ago, said they would make the playoffs.

Sitting ram-rod straight at a lectern, Fassel likened the remaining five games of the season to a high-stakes poker game, and he was going all in. He then asked his players who wanted to join him.

Fassel, whose team cashed in when it didn't lose again until the Super Bowl, has been asked this season whether he'll make another guarantee.

What do all these guarantees have in common? All made by New Yorkers, which tells us about the life span of most guarantees.

So, whether the Bengals make good on Johnson's guarantee or leave him as Hanging Chad, it's probably one that will be forgotten - just like his two guarantees a year ago. (The Bengals, for the record, split).

``Our society is becoming more and more based on entertainment value,'' Flowers said. ``A guarantee brings a source of entertainment value. It will pique interest. It will bring people maybe to watch five more minutes of the game if they had no interest in watching the Bengals before.''

Which, of course, is the main purpose.

Nobody knows this better than Joe Muscarello.

From 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. he is an anonymous bank-loan specialist in Charlotte, N.C. On Sunday, he is the Carolina Prowler, a black, furry, whiskered creature complete with a miniature Panther on each shoulder.

Midway through the fourth quarter of home games, Carolina honors its Fan of the Game by showing him or her (or it) on the stadium's video board. On Sunday, with the Panthers leading Tampa Bay 20-14, Muscarello was not only chosen Fan of the Game, he was handed a microphone - apparently by mistake.

``Let me tell you something, Warren Sapp and Simeon Rice,'' the Prowler growled throughout the stadium. ``You guaranteed a win. Well, we guarantee we're going to kick your butt.''

Faster than you could say Steve Bartman, Rice clobbered Carolina quarterback Jake Delhomme and forced an interception the Bucs turned into the go-ahead touchdown. When the Panthers rallied to win, nobody was more relieved than Muscarello.

``I didn't know if I'd have to stand out there with an 'I'm sorry' sign at the next game,'' Muscarello told the Charlotte Observer. ``Next time, I'll have to hold my enthusiasm a little bit.''

That much, we know, is guaranteed.

CAPTION(S):

2 boxes

Box:

(1) ON THE GRIDIRON

By Matthew Kredell

(2) ST. LOUIS AT CHICAGO