Loving partnerships: keeping it together at home and the office.

You're partners in life, so why not be partners at work, too? Couples committed to a life together have been teaming up on the job for ages. Those who are in the law profession--especially sole practitioners and lawyers at small firms--are no exception.

In some work/love relationships, both partners are lawyers. In others, one runs the office while the other runs to court. No hard statistics seem to exist on how many U.S. couples work in the same law office. Nor is there an official chart that says laboring law lovers will live longer or die sooner--or divorce faster or stay together longer--than their less engaged counterparts.

The only thing certain about toiling in tandem is this: It happens a lot, according to Terry Gaschler, who works for the Association of Legal Administrators.

Successfully negotiating this path, however, is no simple task. Chattanooga, Tennessee, clinical psychologist Thomas Cory knows from his own experience how rewarding and trying this journey can be.

Call Cory the adult child of lawyers.

"With lawyers, you've got two people in high-stress jobs," he said. "Attorneys are good at being anywhere from assertive to aggressive. If you've got two trial attorneys in a couple--that would be tough."

Lawyers Susan and Robert Rosen are a prominent husband-and-wife trial lawyer team in Charleston, South Carolina. Not only do they work together, but they also work with Robert's brother and under the tutelage of Robert's father. It's not hard to imagine what they talk about at family gatherings.

"I think people think that would be really unbelievable, working with that many family members," Susan Rosen said. "But we all have tremendous respect for each other."

As for their marriage, Susan said she believes she and Robert have a closer personal relationship because they also work together. "We have common interests and there's always plenty to talk about. But the relationship has to be built on something independent of where you work. If we didn't get along very well at home as a couple, we probably wouldn't get along at work either. He thinks I'm a great lawyer, and I think he is."

Diane and John Waldschmidt have been partners in life for 34 years. For the past 11, Diane has run John's Milwaukee, Wisconsin, law office, where he is a sole practitioner.

"I keep saying I don't know what I'll do if I have to get a real job," said Diane, a former public high school teacher and stay-at-home mom. When the office manager was let go, Waldschmidt started working at the firm temporarily. The job soon became permanent.

"The advantages of working together have been great to the extent that we share a common understanding of his practice," she said. "We have an agreement. He doesn't get close to the checkbook, and I don't try to be a lawyer."

Conversely, Waldschmidt said, they have learned to share jobs at home on a more equal basis. "I might be really tired and ask him if he wants a peanut butter sandwich for dinner," she said. "He has learned to cook, and that helps a lot."

Couples who work together must possess a willingness to find practical solutions for everyday problems, like who makes the evening meal, Cory said. He suggested that selfknowledge helps ease the way during difficult times, noting that people have different work styles and different styles of communicating with others. Being attentive to your own style--knowing what works with your partner and what doesn't--will make for a smoother path together, whether at work or at home.

"My father's meticulousness fascinated my mother, and what attracted him was her carefree way of doing things," Cory said. "For most couples that's nice for a year or two, but if your styles of relating are quite different, you have to remember one thing: Stop trying to change the other person. Nothing will ruin a relationship faster."

Cory suggested that time apart from each other is an integral part of a healthy relationship. "You each need space--maybe an hour or so when you go home where you can just disappear."

For the couple whose life revolves around the law practice, Cory said, "I'd worry about that couple. I would want them to have a hobby together and a hobby apart, with probably more hobbies apart from each other. It's a delicate balance. You have to have friends outside the relationship, and that means you have to be good at sharing."

Cory said he knows of one lawyer couple who agreed to set aside certain nights during which they would not talk about law. "They had to work on it for three to six months before they could do it, but the overlap [between work and home] was impacting the marriage.

"Working together starts out being kind of fun, but if the relationship gets too unidimensional, then it's probably going to cause problems. If you haven't worked through conflicts before you get married, you're just asking for trouble."

Jonathan Segal, a Philadelphia lawyer whose practice focuses on employee relations issues, said other problems might arise when two lovers work together.

"If there is a power dynamic in the work/love relationship--especially if it's a dating relationship--the firm may run the risk of a lawsuit," Segal said. For example, if a senior partner dates a subordinate and the relationship falls apart, the subordinate might claim it was a non-consensual and, therefore, a sexually harassing relationship from the beginning.

"Or, if the relationship breaks up and then the senior partner fires the subordinate because he or she finds it difficult to work with that person, it begins to look like quid pro quo sexual harassment.

"If the couple is married or in a committed relationship, they have more of an incentive to make it work. A dating relationship in a small office is much harder and carries a lot more risk."

Segal added that the attorney-client relationship may make life difficult for the couple because of client confidentiality issues.

"If one is a lawyer and the partner is a paralegal or office worker, you could have a problem," Segal said. "Let's say the attorney is working on a case involving a public official or a controversial issue. As an attorney, you're not to discuss the case inside or outside the office except for business purposes. If you're gossiping about the case, that goes beyond the partner's need to know.

"If you're not a lawyer, you only get fired for not keeping confidences. If you're a lawyer, you can lose your license."

Segal said the perception of nepotism is another problem that may interfere with smooth law office operations.

"The smaller the office, the greater the problem," Segal said. "If the subordinate partner in the couple is promoted, that may be perceived as unfair advancement. The relationship may be perceived negatively by other employees and that can affect morale."

Rosen, the South Carolina attorney, said she has noticed that other partners in the 13-attorney firm "expect that Robert and I influence each other's opinions. You'll see someone trying to lobby me to get to Robert or they'll lobby Robert to get to me. It's really interesting. There's no way we can hide the fact that we're married. We just try to be fair to everyone."

Coping with Conflict

Fairness, compatibility, and a certain amount of separateness all factor into the mix when trying to make a partnership work at home and at the office. But couples fight.

"What do you do when you disagree in front of people?" Cory said. "What if you work on the same case and you have radically different ideas about how to handle it? What you can do is disagree with respect. When it becomes a power issue and you're not working toward a solution, you're going to have problems. If you're out there trying to prove your way is the right way, that's difficult.

"To be 100 percent honest, I don't recommend working in the same office together," Cory said. "I think you're asking for more than is possible from your partner. At work you are professional, and at home you are in a more loving, nurturing mode. Making that shift with your partner takes someone of aboveaverage emotional health."

While aware of the travails of leading somewhat parallel lives, Segal countered: "When you work with someone you love, you might be more productive, more willing to stay the extra hour or so to finish up something. In a small office it may bring a lot of camaraderie to the workplace.

"Being a lawyer is an incredibly lonely way of life," Segal said. "If you're billing hours, a lot of clients don't want to talk long. They'll avoid social pleasantries and get right to business. If you're working with people you care about, it can make for a much better place to work."