Looks like I won't be getting the inside story on super brains.

Byline: Susan Palmer The Register-Guard

Memo to: Mark Johnson, features editor at The Register-Guard.

From: Susan Palmer, general assignment reporter.

Subject: The Mensa IQ test you sent me to take for a story on the popular society of smart people.

Hey, boss:

Hate to say I told you so, but I did warn you. Expecting me to ace a timed multiple-choice test? That's like asking your outfielder to pitch a no-hitter.

Forget about it. I got through college and grad school based on my skill with good old-fashioned essay questions and footnoted reports.

I did give the IQ test my best shot. Took a couple of preparatory mini-quizzes from Mensa's Web site before going up to Corvallis to take the proctored exam, along with seven other Oregon residents who all seemed to be marking their answers a whole lot faster than me.

Now, I won't know the official results for another month and the test is graded on a curve.

But in order to be eligible for Mensa membership, I'd have to do as well as or better than 98 percent of the people who take these kinds of tests.

Sure, I nailed most of the language and memory questions. Who doesn't know which 11-letter word all smart people spell incorrectly?

But the math questions and those image-relationship questions where they show you five things and ask you which one doesn't belong or which two are opposites, slowed me down.

So unless the test is so hard that most people fail to complete half of the math questions, the international club also known as "The High IQ Society" will not be sending me an invitation to join.

That means I won't get to hang out with the 100,000 members in 100 countries who get together to socialize, do community service projects and play games that test their mental agility. Dang.

But there is an upside to failing IQ tests.

The Mensa folks themselves acknowledge that some of history's brightest people would most likely have failed. Albert Einstein - whose relativity theory reshaped our sense of time and space - and Thomas Edison - who turned us on to electricity - were both public school failures who did poorly on exams.

Mensa's own Web site acknowledges this:

"Testing reveals that highly creative people often do poorly on standardized tests because they use their test time thinking of broader applications to simple questions."

I'm not suggesting I'm in the brain-trust category of your Einsteins and Edisons, but I do cop to some tangential thinking while taking the Mensa test.

Here's a sample of what went through my mind while taking Mensa's online miniquiz. I'd report the actual questions from the test, but then the Mensa folks would probably have to kill you. They take this testing business pretty seriously.

1. Bill climbs a 2-mile hill at an uphill speed of 2 miles per hour, spends no time at the top and immediately walks down at 6 miles per hour. What is his average speed for the up and down trips?

My thought: Was that Mount Pisgah he was climbing or Spencer Butte? Because if he was coming down Mount Pisgah, he probably stumbled into some poison oak, which would have meant he'd be moving a heck of a lot faster than 6 mph in search of a shower.

2. Begin with the number of legs on a spider, add the number of stars in the U.S. flag in 1935, divide by 2 and add the number of leaves that enables you to distinguish poison ivy. What do you have?

My thought: Isn't it disrespectful to have a U.S. flag in proximity to spiders and poison ivy? You get a group of flag-respecting people looking at a question like this, and pretty soon you've got a batch of anti-spider, anti-poison ivy, pro-flag legislation tying up Congress. Come on, Mensa, how smart is that?

3. Pat likes books but not magazines, she likes going to shows but not the ballet and she likes movies but not pictures. By the same rules, will she like videos or tapes?

My thought: What kind of person doesn't like pictures? Does she not like any pictures or just pictures of particular things? Myself, I don't like blown up pictures of spiders. If I see a picture of a spider bigger than my head, I get nervous.

4. What is the number that is two more than one-tenth of one-fifth of one-tenth of 1,000?

My thought: That right there is why I stopped paying attention in math class.

5. Six smart people can read 12 books in six hours. How many books can three of these smart people read in nine hours?

My thought: They must be smallish books, "Charlotte's Web" type books as opposed to "Pride and Prejudice" type books. I wonder what author Jane Austen would think of the latest film version of "Pride and Prejudice?" Maybe those six smart people just watched the movie as opposed to reading the book.

P.S. Every year in October, Mensa sponsors an annual testing day, but the test also can be taken at other times. It costs $30 to be tested.

For those who pass the test, annual membership is $52. Mensa also accepts other intelligence tests, such as SATs and GREs, as proof of your smarts.

For more information, visit the society's Web site at www.us.mensa.org.

P.P.S. With apologies to Abbie Salny who developed the mini-quiz for Mensa, here are the correct answers.

1. 3 mph; 2. 31; 3. Videos (words with O); 4. 4; 5. 9. Oh, that 11-letter word all smart people spell incorrectly? If you didn't figure it out, the correct answer is: incorrectly.