Looking for Words in All the Wrong Places

Scientists studying the mating habits of bunnies recently reported an amazing discovery: "We observed the courting rabbits using binoculars."

Did bachelor bunnies use these devices to scope out the does? "Hey, Flopsy, check out the fluffy tail behind that tree!"

Ah, the joys of the misplaced modifier — descriptive words and phrases that end up where they don't belong. Like kids playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey, hapless newspaper writers pin these danglers all over the place:

1. "After more than 100 years in existence, President Bush dissolved the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service." Wow, he's in pretty good shape for a centenarian! (Spotted by Art Wright, Storrs, Conn.)

2. "We feature freshly roasted lean meats with no added fats, which are hand-carved." Don't you just hate machine-carved fat? (Diane Nagel of Cranberry Lake, N.Y.)

3. "Fondly named Rose Garden Auto Care, devoted customers can still receive the friendly neighborhood service they were used to." Isn't it cute when businesses create nicknames for their customers? (Jo Ann Lawlor, San Jose, Calif.)

4. "A woman will stand trial on charges that she fatally shot her sleeping husband after waiving her right to a preliminary hearing." (Kathy Bandi, Shelocta, Pa.) Now that's what I call premeditation!

5. "He walked over to a heavy mahogany drum table with ugly claw feet." I hope he didn't scratch it. (Betty Lundy, West Point, Miss.)

6. (About a new exhibit at George Washington's estate, Mr. Vernon): "One theater offers the experience of fighting the British with artificial fog and snow." Were the patriots really that desperate for ammunition? (Linda Duncan, East Hartford, Conn.)

7. "They set up two deck chairs and a plastic owl on a stake that Nick named Lucifer." A devilish mis-stake. (Norman Stevens, Storrs, Conn.)

8. "Brown is accused of firing gunshots July 4 after the fireworks show on the Mississippi River levee that wounded two people." Dam criminal! (Doug Johnson, Watson, La.)

9. Headline: "Bipartisan bill restoring rights for detainees killed by GOP" Isn't it a little late? (Charles Duncan, via e-mail)

10. "Rich Misterka ... will be driving a 1955 LT Mack [truck] containing 13 trees that will be given to the Department of the Interior with his wife Debbie." Squeeze in, honey, there's plenty of room back there. (Scott Barton, Bennington, Vt.)

Rob Kyff, a teacher and writer in West Hartford, Conn., invites your language sightings. Send your reports of misuse and abuse, as well as examples of good writing, via e-mail to [e-mail] or by regular mail to Rob Kyff, Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Rob Kyff and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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