Look on the Bright Side.

This is America. Whimpering is not allowed. We should take a chisel to the sign under the Statue of Liberty and change it to "no whining."

We got problems? We take care of them.

My parents, for example. They made it through the Depression, one world war, two nasty foreign incursions, quadraphonic sound, and eight years of Ronald Wilson Reagan. They're as indestructible as a Nebraska dumpling, and so is the country that forged them in that crucible of change. As they are so fond of saying, "It's an ill wind that blows no one some good."

Look at the recent historical reappraisal of the Ford Administration. Who would have thunk? Just goes to show, for every problem comes our way, there is an opposite and equal bright side. And if we as a nation are unable to find it, I will.

The Problem: Retirees and folks on fixed incomes can't afford to pay electric bills.

The Bright Side: Think of the money to be made renting out basements to hang meat and transforming kitchens into dark rooms.

The Problem: Supreme Court says medical marijuana is a crock.

The Bright Side. Tobacco companies will have to wait a little longer to gain control of crop distribution, and freelance pilots still have plenty of employment opportunities.

The Problem: Giant meteor to destroy Earth in 2028.

The Bright Side: Plenty of time to cash in that second mortgage and head to Vegas.

The Problem: Scientists unite to accuse Bush of policies exacerbating global warming.

The Bright Side: Dune buggies everywhere, dude.

You can't make stuff up like this:

* If they were smart, capital punishment opponents would demand from now on that all death penalty cases be turned over to the FBI.

* The Jeffords defection has the rumor mill buzzing. It's even been rumored Gray Davis may declare himself a Democrat.

* Bush is working hard to build a consensus with the Democratic Senate. He's putting in twelve- to fourteen-hour weeks.

* People, the permafrost is melting. The permafrost. Never in recorded history has the permafrost melted before. Hence its name. Not enough to worry about? Now we have to rename the permafrost. I'm thinking, "the frost formerly known as perma," or "often frosty"?

* Some critics see Canada's attempt to decriminalize marijuana as a lame attempt to encourage more people to sample local cuisine.

* The Senate is investigating profiteering on oil and gas. The important questions are: 1) Which oil companies are raking in huge profits? and 2) How big are their contributions?

* The State of Utah has convicted a man of having five wives. I hope that the state is progressive enough to sentence him to doing the family's laundry for the next fifteen years.

* Had to love Bush's commencement speech at Yale: "Hope for C students everywhere." Was expecting a paraphrase of his heart-to-heart with Jenna: "A beer is a terrible thing to waste." So is an honorary degree.

Will Durst knows it may not be good for the country, but the next four years promise to be good for him.