Little George goes to war. (final cut).

Once upon a time (actually, 1969), in a quiet suburb of Chicago called Harvey, two 13-year-old boys named George and Tony waged war on their neighbor. And won. They had to win, for the ancient and evil Mrs. Katy Katurba, who lived three doors down from George, had a record of unacceptable behavior that had to be dealt with, lest George and his buddy live the rest of their teenage years in a climate of fear. (Which, everyone knows, is not conducive to general happiness or youthful prosperity.)

What exactly did Mrs. Katurba do that demanded her swift and sure destruction? George and Tony carefully wrote and distributed a leaflet that explained all her crimes to their neighbors:

1. She was certain to have poisoned Sparky, the Labrador owned by her immediate nextdoor neighbors, the Morrises. (Although this was unproven, one of the, Morris twins said he saw Mrs. Katurba throw a piece of meat over her fence into the Morrises' yard. Later that very day, Sparky was found dead, his face in his doggie dish.) '

2. She was suspected of inserting razor blades into apples for Halloween. Vanessa Middleton, 12 years old and sharp as a tack, saw Mrs. Katurba at the Kroger staring lustfully at the safety razors. And Tony himself saw her carrying a brown grocery bag home one day with apples on top. (It didn't take Sgt. Joe Friday to figure out what her intentions were!)

3. She yells angrily at any of the neighborhood children who come near her fence, even if they don't touch it, in a strange language that might be Polish or Ukrainian. This clearly accentuates the fact that she doesn't belong in this community, where almost everyone is Catholic and goes to Church of the Ascension, where English is spoken.

4. And finally: She once threw a rock at George's father, after he went over to address some of the neighbors' concerns. She refused to allow him to inspect her home (for poison, razor blades, and apples), and she threatened to call the police even though George Sr. was merely exerting the right to protect his family and the other families down the street (although they were pretty much silent on the whole crisis).

Unfortunately for George and Tony, their leaflets garnered little enthusiasm among the neighbors. Mr. Moskowitz, the choir teacher and cocktail bar pianist who lived in a small well-kept house at the end of the block, did stop them at the Ace Hardware and strongly suggested that they get theft facts straight first. But George Sr. told his son to ignore the old "softie," as he was probably a "commie pinko refugee" and had once worn a black armband on Moratorium Day to protest the Vietnam War. Suspect, to say the very least. And not only un-American, possibly, but "in entertainment."

The boys decided it was time to take matters into theft own hands and rid the world of the menace that was Katurba. They asked the Morrises if they could use their backyard, and once they agreed, the boys attached Molotov cocktails made of rubbing alcohol to their kites and flew them over the Katurba house again and again, until one finally ignited Mrs. Katurba's roof. She never came out, even as her house was engulfed in flames, and by the time the fire department came, the blaze had spread to both the Morrises' home and the home of the folks on the other side of Mm. Katurba, who hadn't even agreed that she was a menace.

Many folks died (including Mr. Moskowitz, when he and his live-in "friend" tried to put out the fire), but as this is a fable and not an episode of CSI, we needn't get all grisly about it. And while the remains of Mrs. Katurba were never found (although two of her cats were found to be incinerated) and the boys were never arrested or punished, at least a lesson was learned:

Don't screw around with George and Tony. Not when they want to make the world safe for economic growth, Christian people, and Halloween. And especially not if you're "in entertainment."