Listening to the Subtle Signals Youth Send.

Dear Bob,

Each year, our day camp sends a note to campers and families that we have not heard from for a while to invite them back to camp or, in the case of older campers, to ask them to consider joining our counselor-in-training program. The card talks about the friends that can be made at camp and the good times to be had in a way that we hope is welcoming and affirms their camp experience.

Recently, we received an e-mail from a young man who identified himself simply as an "unsatisfied customer." In angry tones, he claimed that our card did not reflect his experience at camp. Beginning his letter with, "To whoever (sic) of you guys who read this," he said that he had made no friends, felt his counselors were "jerks," asserted that we had "scared the heebee jeebees" out of his sister on the ropes course (for which we were lucky that she did not sue us), and generally thought we did a good job of wrecking his summer.

To these comments, he added that his counselors should have stepped in to do something when some kids teased or picked on other kids, but "all they did was nothing." Why, he asked rhetorically, would he ever want to return to an experience like the one he described? He ended by saying that he was tired of "getting our stupid letters," and we should quit bothering him.

Given the news of violence in schools and at the day camp here in Los Angeles at the end of the summer of 1999, we were not certain how concerned we should be or what our best response might be. By the way, he conveniently gave us his birth date and his first name. What do you make of that? What would you suggest as a reasonable response?

Leery in Los Angeles

Dear Leery,

Despite his admonitions to the contrary, it is perfectly clear that this boy does not want you to go away. What he wants is to talk to someone who will listen to him and take him seriously. As I often say to teachers, parents, and other child care professionals, children often leave the very clues that lead us directly to them! Even the way he begins his letter is revealing, suggesting that he doesn't actually expect anyone to respond to him. In fact, his e-mail is a great example of what things children tell us to ignore and what to listen deeply to.

From the violence making the headlines in the last few years, we know that boys who resort to violence often feel marginalized and left out. Many boys who have been violent often send a signal of some sort indicating that they are upset, confused, in need of help, or simply want to make contact with an adult who will listen to them with respect. The lack of credible, concerned, caring adults who can provide validation, guidance, role modeling, and containment may be the greatest need of our young people.

Reaching Out

Since the boy gave you an opportunity to find out who he is, I suggest you write an e-mail message back to him (his e-mail address would be easy to trace), saying that you received his e-mail, that you were glad that he let you know about both his and his sister's experience, and that you would like to hear more about it. I would check any impulse to defend or explain yourself or make what he might hear as excusesf about what he experienced. I would also be very careful not to assign blame to him his counselor, his group, etc. I would make three points simply and clearly, as follows:

* You welcome his comments and are impressed with his ability to express himself.

* You would like to hear more about what made camp such a poor experience for him and his sister.

* You would like to hear his ideas about what he thinks would make things better.

Involving the Parents

I suggest you follow up with his parents in a way that is not condemning, but informs them of your plans. For example, simply let them know that their son has contacted you, that he was very articulate in his criticism and in describing his experience, and that you have invited him to talk with you to share his ideas about what would make camp, in his opinion, a better place.

If he does agree to meet with you, it will be because you have done a believable job of making him the "expert." After all, it is his experience that he is talking about, and your sole job is to listen to him. This approach will help teach this boy that if he reaches out in a way that people can respond to him, his anger might not only be accepted, but may lead to something constructive.

Turning a Negative into a Positive

Once you have met with him, you can ascertain whether you think he might be a candidate for a counselor-in-training program. Imagine taking a disaffected boy, helping him channel his criticism, and then making him an ally. That would do a world of good for this young man! One thing is certain, if campers were being teased or being picked on, this boy is one counselor who would do something about it.

Obviously, you must first determine whether the boy meets your criteria and is interested, but if you win him over and he feels respected and as if his concerns have been addressed, he would make one great camp advocate! Indeed, when children feel heard with their words, they seldom need to resort to talking with their behavior.

Bob Ditter is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in child and adolescent treatment. Camp directors are invited to write to: Bob Ditter, "In the Trenches," 72 Montgomery Street, Boston, MA 02116 or fax [phone]. Letters should be signed, although requests for confidentiality will be honored. "In the Trenches" is sponsored by American Income Life Insurance.