Levitation Catholics petition Rome.

For our Pentecost edition we decided to add a humorous story.

Editor

Another signature-gathering campaign is underway, with Rome as its final destination. A group calling itself Catholics of Levitation Canada will petition the Holy Father to change the law of gravity. CLC, which has been collecting signatures for two months already, officially launched its "Fly and Be Free" campaign last week in Ottawa. Following is an exclusive interview, obtained prior to the news conference, with CLC spokesperson Sr. Ima Poe-Payter.

MU: Sister Ima, why now, and why gravity?

IPP: With the coming of the new millennium, there's an excitement in the air, a "sky's the limit" feeling among Catholics. The time is right for an alteration of the earth's gravitational pull, which we see as an oppressive force preventing us from reaching our fullest potential in the Cosmos. Scriptural mythology is replete with "rising" imagery, from Elijah to the popular story of Christ's resurrection and ascension. Technologically, our society has defied gravity. However, you can appreciate the difficulty for those who wish to fly, yet have no access to rockets and airplanes ... or, for that matter, flaming chariots. It's no longer sufficient to defy gravity: it's time to redefine it.

MU: But why send your petition to the Vatican? Has it occurred to anyone that the force of gravity is governed by natural law and that the pope doesn't have the power to change it?

IPP: That's just a smokescreen; doesn't Peter have the power to bind and loose on earth and in heaven? Whether we like to admit it or not, everyone looks to the papacy to interpret natural and divine law. We're simply demanding that the pope "loosen up" and re-interpret the law of gravity in order to make it more relevant. The desire to fly is innate and widespread; we need a law that affirms and fulfils that desire instead of denying and repressing it. The law of gravity has to meet everyone's needs. The idea that you can have one universal standard in a pluralistic society is ludicrous - it's narrow-minded foolishness.

MU: As narrow as ... the eye of a needle?

IPP: Precisely. Life is not black or white, up or down. We envision a world comprising many shades of grey, with each person choosing the gravitational pull that best suits her or him at a particular moment.

MU: It sounds like a recipe for chaos and confusion. Is there to be no gravitational norm?

IPP: Normal is what you perceive it to be. If I choose to have my house hovering ten - or two hundred - feet in the air, that's normal for me. My friends, neighbours, letter carrier, milk-delivery person, and others will have to adjust. This will, we believe, make for a more compassionate and flexible society, as we strive to meet each other where we're at, without any authority figure trying to tell anyone else where to float.

MU: I notice you've already obtained signatures from some prominent people, including entertainers and politicians who are not Catholic...

IPP: (with a chuckle) Well, what is Catholic, after all? Catholic means `universal,' so we've decided to accept signatures from anywhere in the known universe.

MU: Will you accept signatures from extra-terrestrials?

IPP: Oh, absolutely. We're challenging the boundaries of space and time in this campaign.

MU: Would that explain why you've signed up dead people? I notice your petition bears the signatures of Orville and Wilbur Wright, Amelia Earhart, and even Icarus!

IPP: We're striving to be as inclusive as possible. We've encountered many people who believe they are reincarnations of famous persons and we decided it would be uncharitable to exclude people with past lives or multiple personalities.

MU: At this rate, you'll have no trouble meeting your goal of two billion signatures.

IPP: I should think not, and when we've reached our target, we're off to the Vatican. When we come trundling up St. Peter's Square with our wheelbarrows full of paper, it'll be quite the spectacle.

MU: What sort of reaction do you expect from the Holy Father?

IPP: The pope will simply have to comply with the wishes of so many. We anticipate success; we expect to literally come flying out of the Vatican after our audience.

MU: One can only hope.

IPP: Here, have a helium balloon. We'll be releasing 2,000 of these to kick off the campaign. Each one has a printed message inside reading, "Fly and be free: say no to gravity," plus an invitation to sign the petition and contribute financially to our campaign.

MU: So you're hoping to raise money as well?

IPP: Oh sure . . . petitions don't come cheap. We're talking loads of paper, pens, T-shirts, posters, balloons, and lots of hot air.

MU: Yes, I can see that. Well, Sister, happy flying, and thank you for the interview.

IPP: You're welcome . . . er, you wouldn't like to sign up, would you?

MU: No, thank you. I prefer to keep my feet planted firmly on the Rock.

Mariette Ulrich lives in Swift Current, SK, with her husband Dan and four children.