Letter from Al.

Dear [insert name]:

First, I want to congratulate you on the fine work you do for [insert name of newspaper and/or newsmagazine]. I've seen your byline many times, and each time I've found your work informative and insightful.

I'll get to the point: I need your help. As you know, I'm running a grassroots campaign for the presidency. And while positive press coverage is always welcome, it's hard to run without financial backing. (Of course, I find this whole system distasteful and undignified, and if elected, I'll change the rules entirely.)

Please send whatever you feel is appropriate to whatever address you feel is appropriate. I don't want to insult either one of us by naming a figure.

On second thought, don't send anything. Ignore this letter.

Sincerely,

Sen. Bill Bradley 

Dear Public Broadcasting Supporter:

You and I have a lot in common. We both support public television. We both care about children. We both love Jim Lehrer. And we both want to keep the far-right wing of the Republican party out of power!

That's why the nice folks at [insert name of local PBS affiliate] graciously gave me your name and address. Because they too care about the things we care about.

And because Big Bird will be an endangered species if the far-right wing has its way!

Please, give what you can! Together, you and I can keep America moving on the right track.

What street takes you to the bridge that takes you to the new millennium? Sesame Street!

Al Gore

P.S.: Of course, it goes without saying that I find President Clinton's behavior troubling, not to say repugnant. And also inexcusable. He's been a great president. I'm proud to have served him. His behavior was unacceptable.

Dear [Insert name of $500K+ donor]:

Everything's big in Texas. We've got big mountains to climb, big hair on our ladies, big steaks on our plates, and big checks from our friends.

But sometimes "big" isn't "big enough."

That's where you come in, friend.

I'll put it simple, the Texas way: I need your big money. I need it now and I need it big.

Let's go for it! Together!

George W. Bush

Dear Fellow Conservative:

While I appreciate your recent donation of 10,000 cans of tuna, 4,000 jugs of potable water, and a barrel of kerosene, I must admit that actual currency would have been more useful.

Of course, I too share your belief that that Federal Reserve has no constitutional right to regulate the currency (nor, for that matter, does the Treasury Department), and yet, for the various things that come up during a presidential campaign-banners, balloons, stickers, and whatnot-cash money is the preferred method of payment. It is simply impossible to pay the Kinko's bill in Derry, New Hampshire, with canned meat.

Is there any way you could send cash?

Thanks!

Senator Bob Smith

Dear Kip:

I'm doing a direct-mail drop at the end of the week and I have to run the commercial in California, so please sell the big purple Faberge egg with the twisty gold bits around the top and send the money to me.

Steve