Let ladies lead on London trip.

Byline: Wilf Lunn 

It took Moses 40 years to find the promised land and then he died before setting foot on it.

It's often said that if a woman had been leading they would have got there a lot quicker. With this thought in mind I always let Liz do all the path-finding when we're in London.

Apart from insisting Canada House was the National Portrait Gallery and a slight contretemps about crossing Russell Square, she's pretty good.

We were off to see the Wallace collection where I understand Vivienne Westwood goes for inspiration and Damien Hirst was exhibiting. On the way we passed the Economic Science building where I envisioned folk inside mumbling: "Do be careful with the sodium chloride, less acetic acid and turn that Bunsen burner, down you're using too much gas."

Outside the Wallace Gallery there is a life-sized flayed man. Not flayed in the sense we used as kids meaning scared: "I'm not flayed a you."

This was a peeled person, skinless with his skin hanging over his arm. He represented Saint Bartholomew who was skinned for his beliefs. He's the patron Saint of leather tanners. We had a plaster version at the tech so we could study muscles. I later realised this was one of Damien Hirst's pieces. The fact that the figure was holding a pair of scissors had stuck me as odd at the time. It gave the impression he was about to make his skin into little leather knick-knacks.

My favourite bronze in the Wallace Collection is much smaller - it's a hermaphrodite. It wasn't on the table where it is normally exhibited. I asked what had happened to it, but no-one seemed to know.

I caused some consternation when I said to one guard I thought I'd seen it on Portobello Market. Nothing from the collection is allowed to leave the building, not even on loan.

Eventually we found it deep in the basement at the far end. It was in a glass case facing the wall. Could it have been the naughty corner? Back upstairs I was reminded of my daughter, Anna. When she was little she loved museums and I got fed up long before her and couldn't get her to leave. We were in one of the arms and armour rooms and a young mother was trying to get her little girl to move on. She said: "Oh do come on, there's lots of bashing and stabbing things in this next room". We looked at the paintings. The one every one knows is The Laughing Cavalier. Then we went on to look at the much criticised Damien Hirst paintings. I know in the past I've said there are three groups of artist. The expensivists, the rest and the can't be bothered.

Damien Hirst put himself in the last group. I think now he can be bothered. Even the subtle blue silk wallpaper he's set his paintings against has been criticised. I think it's a perfect background. I'm sick of white.

In the past some portrait painter would paint on a completely red canvas. This gave the over-painted flesh an appearance of having life with blood flowing underneath. Damien Hirst appears to have started on a completely black canvases another old technique. This, of course, suits his main theme which is skulls. I did like his white flowers and butterflies. One painting is called The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth. I prefer the more realistic extended quote: "The meek shall inherit the earth but they won't keep it for long.'' My other favourite altered biblical quote is: "The lion shall lie down with the lamb but the lamb won't get much sleep.'' Looking at 'Skull with ashtray and lemon' painting, I asked the attendants what the significance of the lemon was? No-one knew. I think I found out in the shop he'd included the lemons because he got a job lot of lemon-shaped soap for sale. He knows about merchandising. The gallery had obviously drawn the line at flogging ashtrays. I think with Saint Bartholomew on display they'd perhaps lost an opportunity to sell leather goods with the chocolate skulls and candles.

If you do visit the Wallace Collection it is not advisable to ask where the Gromit Collection is.

Last year at the Victoria and Albert Liz stopped me asking if Obama was coming to the Baroque exhibition.

PS. When I got back to Huddersfield I looked through a pamphlet called Damien Hirst's Wallace Collection Trail showing the things that had influenced his work. Guess what the last object on it was? The little bronze Hermaphrodite.

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ARTWORK: Damien Hirst's Skull With Ashtray and Lemon painting as part of the Wallace Collection (S)