Lawyers Must Learn to Deal With Odd, Abrasive Judges.

On-a recent episode of ABC's "The Practice," the group of immaculately coiffed Boston attorneys encountered a sneering, condescending judge who ruled against them on every single motion and snidely referred to their home state as "Mass-ACHOO-setts."

The judge from hell was from -- where else? -- Los Angeles.

Portrayed with gleeful malice by actor Anthony Heald (who also starred as Hannibal Lecter's psychiatrist in "Silence of the Lambs"), the character left audiences wondering whether judges could really behave that way.

The truth is, judges can do pretty much whatever they want. The law gives a tremendous amount of leeway in the amount of judicial "personality" that can shine through on the bench -- as long as the judge adheres to objectivity and the letter of the law in the final ruling.

"A wide range of behavior exists on the bench and is tolerated before a judge is going to get disciplined," said Erwin Chemerinsky, a law professor at USC. "Some judges act inappropriately and some are appropriately respectful. Some judges are very smart, and some are not. Some are very hard working and well-prepared, and some are not."

Tears, gum chewing

Attorneys making a case before the U.S. Supreme Court have been known to burst out crying after receiving a scathing reprimand from one of the justices. Chief Justice William Rehnquist attached gold circles of fabric around each arm of his robe -- not out of any historical fashion precedent, just because he thought it looked good.

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Lance Ito's behavior inspired constant critiquing during the O.J. Simpson trial -- whether it was the time he threw a reporter out of the courtroom for chewing gum or the time he reorganized the audience seat arrangement.

While no local attorneys would go on the record about specific judges, several described reactions ranging from anger to queasiness when they have gotten word that certain judges were assigned to their cases.

"Rudeness and disrespect are the main problems," said one attorney. "In federal court, judges can be as abusive as hell and they just don't care."

A civil litigator recalled one time when a judge made a wisecrack that some believe changed the outcome of the case.

"It was during closing argument and the attorney was saying that this case has to do with relationships," the attorney recalled. "He said, 'Sometimes relationships work and sometimes they don't.' Then he went on and said, 'I was in a lasting relationship and it ended and I don't know why.' Then the judge said, 'I think we can guess why, Mr. So-and-So.' The attorney didn't know what to say."

The jury, on the other hand, thought the comment was a laugh riot. It wound up making a $2 million judgment against the embarrassed attorney's clients.

Paul Simon fan

Besides abrasive judges, there are also those known for their whimsy. Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeal Judge Alex Kozinski has quoted Paul Simon lyrics ("Just slip out the back, Jack," he wrote in an opinion on a case involving common-law marriage) and embedded more than 200 titles of films in another opinion he wrote in a case involving a movie theater.

"The movie tickets, popcorn, nuts and the seven-ups cost about the same in Las Vegas as in other, comparable markets," Kozinski wrote. "Popcorn" (1969) was a documentary starring Joe Cocker and Jimi Hendrix; "Nuts" (1987) starred Barbra Streisand and Richard Dreyfuss; and "The Seven-Ups" (1973) starred Roy Schieder.

While attorneys must grin and bear a judge's courtroom style, there are forums where more serious complaints can be raised. Courts at both the state and federal level have judicial review boards and attorneys can ask that the performance of a particular judge be reviewed.

The judges with the surliest reputations among attorneys are at the federal level -- per- haps a reflection of their lifetime tenure.

"I was asked by a federal judge why an answer (to. a complaint) hadn't been filed yet," recalled one attorney. "As it turns out, it Wasn't due for a week. I stood up to try to explain this and I started talking as I was rising, and he started yelling at me, "Never address the court unless you're fully in an upright.position!' I was quite taken aback by that."

But things do look different from the other side of the bench. Retired Superior Court Judge Bill Huss laughs when asked if he was a "judge from hell."

He prefers to think of himself as a judge who tried to represent whatever party wasn't in the courtroom u usually the taxpayer u by encouraging attorneys to save some of the public's money and settle the case before it went to trial.

"I told the deputy public defenders and district attorneys at the very beginning that' I'm really a tough judge," he said. "I do not suffer fools, so don't.try to bamboozle me, don't try to play games with me, because I won't tolerate it. They were on notice."

Games lawyers play

Huss said the most common sin committed by attorneys was to come to court unprepared and beg for a continuance.

"There is a statistic out there that it costs $350 just to put a' case on the calendar," Huss said. "A lot of lawyers think they have a blank check and that the taxpayers have to foot the bill. So I started telling the lawyers they had one shot (at a continuance), but alter that they had to pay the clerk $350 to get one. I was surprised at how willing the lawyers were to do it."

The other way attorneys raised his ire was by doing the one thing that the stereotypical lawyer is always accused of doing u telling lies.

"I sanctioned a lot of lawyers when they lied to me," Huss said. "There is a ploy th'at some lawyers do where they will exchange appearances. One guy will go to court and say the other guy has an engagement and needs a continuance, and all the time the other guy is trying to get a continuance for him. That's fraud on the court."

Huss admits he wasn't trying to win any popularity contests during the six years he was on the bench. But he doesn't think his reputation as a tough judge ever interfered with the outcome of a case.

"I remember one time, the nurses at County-USC wanted to go on strike and the hospi-' tal came in with a petition for an injunction to keep them from going out," Huss said. "I granted it so the nurses didn't walk. It was a tough decision to make u the nurses had some good points, but I couldn't take sides and I had to keep in mind who wasn't represented, which was the patient laying on a gurney in a hallway at County. But when I made that decision, my friends said "Now, Bill,'for heaven's sake, don't get sick. The nurses know your name;"'