Last judgments.

LAST JUDGMENTS

HERE THEY ARE: the winners of the 1986 Delectations Contest. Contestants were asked to describe their personal conception of heaven and hell on this earth. Dozens of readers sent in their entries; your three totally incorruptible and inscrutable judges--Bill Buckley, Priscilla Buckley, and myself--incorruptibly and inscrutably judged; and we are now ready to announce the results. The three winners will each receive a copy of Bill Buckley's latest novel, High Jinx, duly autographed. We have also awarded a booby prize--Vibration Cooking, or the Travel Notes of a Geechee Girl--to Matthew H. Emerson of Allentown, Pa. I would like to suggest to Mr. Emerson that he read names more carefully in order to be able to spell them correctly. (Not a big thing, Mr. Emerson, but one that can handicap your progress through life in more ways than you think.)

R. D. Graham, of Fort Scott, Kan., wins with this entry: "Heaven on earth: Life without liberals. Hell on earth: Life without liberals. (With whom would I argue?)" Jim Murphy, of San Dimas, Calif., scores with "My idea of heaven is receiving travel directions from an Irish farmer; my idea of hell is trying to follow them." And W. A. Gillfry, of Quinter, Kan. (assuming I deciphered his name and address correctly), weighs in with: "Hell on earth: to suffer the fate of King Solomon--one thousand mothers-in-law. Heaven on earth: to fall into a huge vat of Michelob beer, and go down for the third time with a smile on my face and never a cry for help." (I can't help wondering about Mr. Gillfry's private life . . .)

To our sorrow, we judges noted that far too many people started their entries with their idea of hell rather than of heaven. Obviously, they must have been irritated at the time of writing by the weather, TV, rock music, and the way so many of our political institutions do not function. We also hope that the contestants who wrote at great length about themselves under the guise of discussing their ideas of heaven and hell will feel a bit more hopeful about their lives now.

The judges also wish to commend the contestants for their invariable high-mindedness. Almost all took a great deal of trouble to express their ideas in good, clear language, some of them even in lyrical and/or poetical terms. And, as in all Delectations contests, I would like to express the judges' deep gratitude for the neatness of the entries. Typewritten or written by hand, they are (most of them) models of their kind.

For obvious reasons, I must limit myself to quoting only a few of the many hundreds of fine entries. Honorable mentions go to Marcia Manion, St. Paul, Minn., for: "My idea of hell is incessant chatter with incorrect English grammar"; to Bill Murphy, Middlebury, Vt., for: "Heaven would be working on an archaeological dig any place in the world without flies, mosquitoes, poison ivy, snakes, and a pompous site director"; to Ronald G. McComb, Seattle, Wash., for: "Heaven on this earth would be realized if Ronald Reagan entered into a dynastic marriage with Margaret Thatcher and together they ruled the world"; to John Pietic, Fort Dodge, Iowa, for: "Everlasting punishment would be twin daughters who would forever remain 14"; to Joan Vahlkamp, Annapolis, Md., for remarking: "While hell might possibly be avoided on a desert island, heaven will never be enjoyed in my lifetime . . . That is stretching the imagination too far"; to Dick Besser, Grand Rapids, Mich., for: "Hell--trying to convince a liberal with a PhD from an Eastern university that conservatism is the natural and proper order of things. (Eternal lost cause.)" Doris McKeon of Lexington, Mass., thinks this about heaven on earth: "There is no such thing unless you count balancing your checkbook"; Joseph Girone, MD, of Telford, Pa., says: "Heaven--being a child in the United States of America. Hell--being a child in Ethiopia."

The shortest entry came from Mike Linett, Newark, Del., with: "Heaven--Delaware. Hell--New Jersey," which I commend for brevity, although I cannot say I share his opinion. Harry Dee, East Northport, N.Y., is to be admired for his ingenuity and industry in sending us no fewer than nine entries on his idea of heaven, compared with three for hell; the judges congratulate Mr. Dee for his obviously sunny nature. We also doff our hats to Doris Conlon, Kingwood, N.J., for remarking: "The present day in my life is heaven on earth to me"; I only wish space would permit me to quote her whole letter. Merrie Kendrick, Toledo, Ohio, writes a charming poem on her idea of heaven. (She is also an exceptional typist, an accomplishment I envy). Eric Corley, Setauket, N.Y., describes his idea of hell as "a place where you find yourself trying to explain a Woody Allen film to the Ayatollah." W. Bryan Sorens, Tennessee Colony, Tex., begins his long, heartfelt letter with a sentiment I consider admirable: "Heaven is most usually not recognized until it turns up missing. It follows then that hell is always very noticeable. Our nature being what it is, hell is easily impressed upon us."

I am sorry that John Winer, Springfield, Ohio, says: "Hell--Christmas alone." The following also take a dim view of life: Katharine Paulsen, Vancouver, B.C.: "Hell is to be asked modern-psychology questions, i.e., 'Do you like yourself?' or 'Have you grown from the experience?'"; Danny O'Brian, Haverhill, Mass.: "Hell on earth is walking into the bathroom at work and seeing your name ridiculed on the walls"; L. A. Bach, Idaho Falls, Idaho: "Hell is for me to be asked to take part in a symposium on what to look for in an ideal wife, and having my own spouse seated in front taking down with her ballpoint pen on a pad brought for the occasion why I had forgotten to include other more flattering points in her own favor." (Mr. Bach, all the judges say that, if this really happened to you, we are sorry.)

Maria Morin, Goldsboro, N.C., sends a choice of definitions of heaven and hell of which we can, alas, quote only this one: "Heaven is any Roman Catholic Mass before Vatican II; I'm sure you can figure out what hell is from this." Finally, Erwin Milliment, New York, N.Y., strikes a very (to me) reasonable note with: "My idea of hell is feeling compelled to enter a contest of this sort only because it is another challenge that must be met. Heaven is knowing that I did not win and that I do not have to go through the shame of revealing my foolishness."

P.S. to Lars-Erik Wiberg, Rockport, Mass., and Paul H. Rothfuss, North Augusta, S.C.: Congratulations for being the only two contestants who mentioned the old adage of heaven and hell that follows, and for not claiming your knowledge is original. (I knew it too, and I was curious to see if anyone would quote it.) "In heaven," to quote Mr. Wiberg's version, "the cooks are French, the police are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss. In hell, the cooks are English, the police are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians."