LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD MOVIES ...; EVEN DUDLEY DO-RIGHT KNOWS BETTER THAN TO SEARCH FOR THEM DURING THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Writer

Five major movies will be opening at a multiplex near you this weekend, but don't feel bad if 1) you've never heard of any of them, 2) you think you're familiar with one or two but believe they came out last year, or 3) you don't care because you're planning on seeing ``The Sixth Sense'' again.

The last weekend of August and the following Labor Day weekend are the dog days of summer, the time when movie studios dump films they deem uncommercial, unwarranted, or just plain uninspired.

Some of these movies have been bumping around release schedules for the better part of a year. Some, at one time, bore high expectations. Others were bad ideas that a new studio regime inherited.

None of them will likely catch on with audiences.

``This is the weekend where bad movies go to die,'' says one studio distribution executive. ``If the product was any good, they would have put it out earlier in the summer.''

Indeed, late August and early September have never been a time of abundance at America's movie theaters. The record opening for the last weekend of August is 1996's ``The Crow 2: City of Angels,'' which grossed $9.6 million in its first three days, a figure a summer blockbuster like ``The Phantom Menace'' or ``Tarzan'' takes in on one good weekend day.

``By this point in the summer, frequent filmgoers feel like they've already seen their quota of six to 10 movies,'' says David Davis, a film analyst at Houlihan, Lokey, Howard and Zukin. ``Kids are either back in school or getting ready to go back, families are taking that last vacation. Nobody makes movies much of a priority.''

Which is bad news for the five films that open today. ``The 13th Warrior,'' ``The Astronaut's Wife,'' ``Dudley Do-Right,'' ``A Dog of Flanders'' and ``The Muse'' will all play in at least 1,000 theaters, but don't look for any of them to topple ``The Sixth Sense'' from the top of the weekend box-office list.

In fact, Robert Bucksbaum, president of the marketing and research firm Reelsource, says that only ``Astronaut's Wife'' and ``13th Warrior'' have a chance at cracking the top five.

``There are already plenty of movies in the theaters,'' Bucksbaum says. ``The last thing we need are five more. There just isn't room, particularly at this time of year.''

Lest you feel like you're missing something - and, believe us, you're not - we looked into the five movies opening at a time, for want of a holiday designation, we'll call The Weekend of Sorrow.

This wasn't necessarily easy, considering that the studios releasing the offending movies have been trying to keep the bad buzz to a minimum by hiding their films. Not that we really mind. This is a case where our loss is also our gain.

Here's what we found:

The 13th Warrior

Original release date: April 1998.

What the critics think: Dark. Dreary. Incomprehensible. But star Antonio Banderas gets high marks for his makeup.

The scoop: The movie is based on the Michael Crichton's take on ``Beowulf,'' following a group of eyeliner-wearing Vikings who battle a horde of mysterious flesh-eaters.

It was originally called ``Eaters of the Dead,'' until Disney marketing executives toned it down to something a little more palatable. (Remember ``Ravenous''? Didn't think so.)

Disney ran a teaser trailer for the film two years ago but pushed back the release date after disastrous test screenings. Reshoots proved problematic because Banderas (don't worry, he's not playing a Viking) was committed to directing a movie with wife Melanie Griffith.

Crichton, to no one's surprise, clashed repeatedly with director John McTiernan (``Die Hard''), who emphasized action set pieces at the expense of the author's wordy musings. When McTiernan chafed over studio interference, Crichton reportedly tried to step into the director's chair.

Ultimately, everyone reconvened but to no effect. The movie is still a bloody mess.

Forecast: Not good. Disney, counting on Crichton's appeal and Banderas' rising star, spent a lot of money on this movie (reports vary wildly from $70 million to $125 million). It will probably open here with a $6.5 million weekend, with fervent prayers that international audiences can be fooled into helping recoup the costs. A major disaster.

The Astronaut's Wife

Original Release Date: November 1998.

What the critics think: Unknown. New Line decided against screening the movie.

The scoop: Johnny Depp plays an astronaut who returns from a space accident acting a little strange. Charlize Theron copes in the titular role, a part that seems eerily similar to her character in ``The Devil's Advocate.'' (You know, wife married to an ambitious guy, moves to New York with him, all hell breaks loose.)

This uninspired sci-fi flick went back for reshoots in late February after test audiences complained about the ending. Guess what? It still stinks.

``The ending is totally different,'' says someone who has seen the movie. ``But it's not any better. It's not a bad movie, but it's not good, either. And it really goes off track in those final minutes.''

Forecast: New Line has a history of working this fallow period of the summer better than any other studio, having enjoyed success with movies that appeal to young male audiences - ``Mortal Kombat,'' ``Spawn,'' ``Blade'' and the ``Crow'' sequel. ``The Astronaut's Wife'' should take top honors among the newcomers, albeit with a paltry $8 million in ticket sales.

Dudley Do-Right

Original release date: August 1999.

What the critics think: Daily News film critic Bob Strauss gives ``Dudley Do-Right'' one star, calling it ``the worst movie I've seen all year.''

The scoop: Here's how bad movies get made. A group of young producers brainstorm (and we use the term loosely) to come up with a high-concept idea to pitch to studios. A girlfriend suggests, ``How 'bout a big-screen version of Dudley Do-Right? You know, that cartoon Mountie guy?'' Rather than laughing it off and thinking about ending the relationship, the producer jumps for joy, realizing he has a movie dumb enough to sell to Hollywood.

Of course, ``Dudley Do-Right'' could have worked, given a pitch-perfect treatment. After all, its star, the likable Brendan Fraser, had a hit two summers ago with another recycled Jay Ward cartoon, ``George of the Jungle.'' But lightning rarely strikes twice in this town. Fraser should remember that when considering whether to sign up for that ``Mummy'' sequel.

Forecast: Dismal. Kids have been known to sleep through the movie's duller stretches. ``If you had a decent family film, you wouldn't wait to release it when the kids are going back to school,'' Reelsource's Bucksbaum says.

You would if you were trying to quietly dump it. Look for it to take in $2.5 million.

The Muse

Original release date: June 1999.

What the critics think: Daily News film critic (and author of this story) Glenn Whipp gives ``The Muse'' one star.

The scoop: Independent October Films (now USA Films after Barry Diller purchased the studio) thought they might have a sleeper on their hands when filmmaker Albert Brooks persuaded Sharon Stone to star in his latest effort. Of course, it has been years since Stone (fully clothed) has had an impact with an audience, and Brooks' movies have never gone beyond a cult following.

This would-be comedy has Brooks playing a flagging Hollywood screenwriter who hires a muse (Stone) to revive his flagging career. Brooks' idiosyncratic movies have never tested particularly well, but this one bottomed out at alarming depths.

Audiences hated Brooks' whiny character, Stone's diva turn and the movie's self-absorbed Hollywood navel-gazing. It's a small wonder Paramount Pictures passed, and USA Films pushed it into this low-profile slot.

Forecast: USA is taking the bold step of opening ``The Muse'' in 1,200 theaters, a surprisingly large number given the film's art-house nature.

``Usually with a movie like this, you open small and try to build word-of-mouth,'' Bucksbaum says. ``This tells me that it has probably tested so poorly that they're trying to get it out before word-of-mouth kills it.''

Maybe it grosses $3 million. Probably less.

A Dog of Flanders 

Original release date: Warner Bros. never quite knew what to do with this movie.

What the critics think: Bland ``Oliver Twist'' tale that even manages to neuter the dog's personality.

The scoop: Based on a classic children's book, which, in and of itself, is likely to doom the film in its theatrical release. Culture critics love to bash studios for not making enough family films. Problem is, when Hollywood does step up to the plate, these same high-minded moral conservatives rarely support the movies they say want to see. (See ``The Iron Giant.'' Really. Go see it.)

Expect the same indifference to greet ``A Dog of Flanders,'' and, sadly, in this case, rightfully so.

Forecast: Woof! Like with most other family-oriented movies, audiences will wait for the video.

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2 Photos

PHOTO (1 -- cover -- color) The dog days of summer cinema.

(2) ``Dudley Do-Right,'' with Brendan Fraser, looks like a yawner.